I was very happy when I knew that I was appointed as a BWP members after a disastrous moment in the election (well, that's what I called it).having all the crowds in front of me was a lot to compare with; holding the microphone for the first time with load of people gather around you (so panic-stricken!!).
I realised that it was another thing to do; cannot compare with primary being a form 1 student there. It has been a lot to be done enough with sudden situation changing all around you; you know, with those competitive ones. However, as study wasn’t my kind of obsession, I only finish my homework and paid full attention in class just like what I did in primary. In the night, I read comics or thriller fiction novels (usually novels are by Christopher Pike and RL Stine).
Having a nice task (writing reports) in the BWP (well, I’m vice secretary), I used to help sis Sarah with her reports and many more. She’s a good sister and I like being with her (things going on pretty well though). Another job that I got there was as the vice treasurer in the COOP. I served myself very well so that they won’t mistrust me.
You know something; I was pretty surprise when I got hold of secretary in my homeroom. Well, I never get a role in some kind of important society. It was like a sleeping person having a pillow in front of them; I’ve been dreaming to hold many things on my mind, but never really believe that I could become a leader. Then, again I’m shocked to be elected as vice president in St John Society. Given the opportunity, I didn’t just waste them like that, I try hard to keep me on the same track (to stay low profile).
I don’t know whether I really deserve all those or not since I’m not the kind of person with such quality and leadership ones. What I knew was that I survived well in form 1. I managed making friends with all the buddies, girls and guys in school. I even got crush on someone, but it was only for my inspiration to study; of course!
At the end of the year 2002, I was taken aback to reveal that mommy suffer cancer. World was like turning upside-down hearing mommy telling me the whole thing with the word cancer as the main point that connected to her life; life or death (kept playing on my mind over and over again).
At that time, I don’t know much about that kind of deathly disease. Well, a form 1 student with such great health history in her family won’t understand such thing. It surprised me a lot that mommy suffer breast cancer. Mom sited for the operation in Ramadan. I was so relief to see mommy recover pretty well from the disease after the operation. Everyone was so happy.
Being in year 2003 as a form 2 student gave me a lot of challenges; I knew that I should study harder but I refused to. I play a lot and didn’t give full attention in classes. I started making friends with many boys and so on. With no attention at all on my studies, the results of mine get decreased and of course, mom was the one to be worried. It was because; she was the one and the only who cared a lot about me and that’s why I love her so much.
Hmm.. Do you guys expect me to talk about daddy?? I don’t know whether there’s much to talk about him. I am more pleasant and comfort with mommy than him lately; at the moment. He used to smoke and still; even when all the members in our family asked him not to; since mommy got the cancer; one of the factors is smoke.
In school (year2004), it was an unbelievable scene for the teachers to see my results decreasing. That moment, I started having lectures form some of the teachers; especially Mrs. Hasnah as she was the coordinator for my batch. She told me to concentrate and focus on my study only. What surprised me a lot was that everybody was saying that the major reason why the result of mine was decreasing was under the reason of the music club I attended.
Huh!! It perfectly makes me want to cry because it wasn’t the main cause; it is something personal, about my life. As music is always my life since kid, it can’t be blamed as the major cause, absolutely not. However, I started to limit my time spent on music lessons I took in learning to play violin with Mr. Awie. Not to forget limiting my spare time I spent on other stuffs like societies works, games, sports and internet surfing.
Actually, the main reason why I did changed a little was because of Mr. Hussin words. It was really touching and it struck me in a first thought of mine. Once in the staffroom, I went to see him for my marks and then he asked me whether I am having problem etcetera. He also asked me to concentrate and focus on study instead of enjoying other stuffs as the PMR was coming soon. He also said that I can’t have those stuffs all the time because they are only the side-thing. He reminded me that the main objective I was in the college was too study. It’s true, I forgot everything already.
July 4th, mommy left me alone in this world of total disaster. I felt so sad and full of depressed knowing that she won’t be talking and laughing with me anymore (I can’t even put my feeling into words). That morning my brothers came and picked me at school just before the breakfast time. I cried all the way home and kept my mouth shut so that I won’t be making any sound. When I got home, everyone was already full filling my house; neighbours and relatives.
I went inside with tears all over my face which was reddening already. I hugged everybody with tighten grip and got myself beside mommy’s body. After calming myself, I managed to stop crying and got the chance to kiss mommy on the forehead. It has been three weeks that I didn’t talk and meet mommy and then, she left me without a sign.
Less than 100 days later, I sit for the PMR. With load of unrelated stuffs (not connected to the exams once); family crisis, mommy (of course) and also my crush, not to forget friends matters, my head was totally spinning and I feel like mad person. Everyday I cried silently alone with no shoulder to cry on. Talking to myself wherever I go, whenever it is, whatever it is. “Am I insane? That occurs my mind a lot. I don’t even got the chance to make a promise with mommy that I’ll get 8 A’s for her. All I knew was that, I have to do my best for the PMR. So, with no attention at all on my exam, (ask my other friends; roommates et cetera – whether I did study or do revisions or not for the exam).believe it or not, I just do it. That’s it; do it!
Holiday began with the fasting month – which really makes me felt such a lonely person since it was the first time fasting without mommy around. I wondered whether all of us could cope ourselves celebrating the Aidilfitri well. Then, all of us were given a miracle from Allah SWT when my second sister gave birth to her first child; who is the first grandchild to our family; I’ll be called aunt soon! Well, I started to learn earning some money by working as a baby sitter. I still didn’t know the exact payment, but I really enjoy doing it; filling my free time.
Dad married another woman on 26th November 2004 who is also a MRSM teacher teaching add math in Besut. The connection between me and her wasn’t very pleased since the tense is in the air. Daddy’s behaviour was a lot to talk about. He changed mentally and physically and of course it affected all of us as well.
Love life? I don’t know. I didn’t even own or have anyone as a special fellow – I need one though to cherish me up and spice up my life. Maybe I’m a bit choosy; but it is the best that I can do for a long term relationship; if not, why would we want someone special for? Playing around wasn’t my type. The main criteria is understanding because I owned a lot of complicated problems compared to the others – that answered the reason why I bumped others who want me as girlfriend. They just don’t understand me; and I don’t want to make it hard for them though.
At this moment and on, I’m getting addicted towards chatting in the YM a lot – since I got no one at home to be my fellow (I enjoy making friends as well). Chatting with schoolmates, new friends in chat rooms, friends who were friends to the friends of mine – quite a lot!! I know the bill may at high rate, but I just can’t resist it all. From 12 am to 5 am, from 12 noon to 3 pm and from 4 pm to 6 pm. How’s that?
Receiving my PMR result on last 29th December 2004 was the greatest for me. Straight A’s, whew!! Unexpected! But, still couldn’t help myself feeling sad for not having mommy around to enjoy this with me. No excitement at all. Having the chance to go to MRSM Pengkalan Chepa was the best thing to be heard; not me. I used to pretend day and night, and it hurts as well. So tired of acting, but couldn’t stop.
Well, that’s all I can say about me right now. Now I’m waiting for the call to go to MRSM Pengkalan Chepa on this 24th January 2005. Couldn’t believe it was already year 2005. I feel a bit nervous since there will be very competitive. I wonder I could survive or not.
Guess what! I’m on my mission to forget about all my crushes and secret admirer as well. Well, we aren’t going on the same path and it will be hard for me as well. So, better switch off my mind about them. What a mess in my brain. That’s me. But, what can I do? I am not a girl; not yet a woman. I am a teenager!!
-sYaz(",)
p/s: to be continued...
