tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-100979782024-03-05T12:14:02.226+08:00pisangexaggerated awesomeness.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.comBlogger862125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-68179131779376512352024-01-27T12:51:00.000+08:002024-01-27T12:51:01.957+08:00Disengage<p>I did not realised I have been hanging by a thread for so long.</p><p>I should have walk away earlier, but I thought I was braver and could endure all the stupidity and madness longer. I was wrong.</p><p>Always know your value.</p><p>Keep your stance, and work hard to keep being you.</p><p>Too many heartbreaks and frustration, really. </p><p>I just hope I could survive this phase again.</p>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-34771323755779740902023-09-30T06:46:00.003+08:002023-09-30T06:46:44.111+08:00Cita-cita Saya Ialah Untuk Tidak Menyusahkan Sesiapa<p>Sudah bertahun-tahun aku ambil inisiatif untuk tidak bergantung apa-apa sekalipun walaupun sesak, dan cuba mengatur jalan sendiri. </p><p>Kata kuncinya bunyi saja mudah, iaitu tidak menyusahkan sesiapa. </p><p>Tidaklah terus menerus don't care dan idgaf, lebih kepada memujuk diri untuk kuat bertahan walau seorang diri.</p><p>Ringkas dan rasional cuma pada cerita. Realiti cuma Tuhan yang Maha Mengetahui segala yang nyata dan tersorok.</p><p>Setiap hari bangun pagi kutip motivasi untuk meneruskan hidup bermula dengan secawan kopi o panas. Seterusnya kopi o panas kedua dan ketiga.</p><p>Mungkin aku akan kembali aktif menulis di sini. We'll see. Jujurnya ini saja terapi yang aku mampu bagi mengurangkan tekanan yang tidak ada potensi untuk diolah mudah.</p><p><br /></p>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-45444872857875570582023-06-29T13:34:00.000+08:002023-06-29T13:34:15.324+08:00Eid al-Adha<p>1. Kali kedua beraya dalam pejabat di Bukit Jalil. </p><p>2. To be honest aku tak kisah pun raya kat mana umur sekarang ni. Bukan sebab tak rasa nak ada momen raya atau lebih penghayatan, cuma nak kena imbang tara tanggungjawab dan prioriti secara menyeluruh. Oleh kerana dah ada wakil sorang anak bukan di kampung halaman pulang, maka cukuplah untuk menjengah dan menghiburkan Ayahanda yang semakin menua dan sensitif.</p><p>3. Jujurnya bila mendengar cerita tentang ibu dan bapa kenalan lain, mahupun tentang adik-beradik diorang, cukup aku bersyukur ada hubungan yang tenang dengan keluarga. </p><p>4. Ayah yang tua juga bukan dalam kategori perlu dijaga ataupun punya karakter yang membebankan. Punya ayah yang tua tapi masih sihat ke sana ke mari juga suatu nikmat. Tempoh umur pinjaman. Aku cuma perlu bersedia untuk melepaskan dan ambil peluang untuk menjaga hati Ayahanda semampu boleh. Semoga aku anak yang baik untuknya.</p><p>5. Adik-beradik juga masih menjadi tempat berbincang dan rujukan apabila ada keperluan untuk menyelesaikan masalah. Kebiasaannya aku memang menyediakan diri untuk dipanggil dan diharapkan untuk membantu. </p><p>5. Trusted and reliable. Lumrah ada ketikanya rasa annoyed, tapi sayang tu masih sangat tebal. Hakikatnya masa aku lebih banyak dihumban untuk agenda kerja dan kawan-kawan. </p><p>6. Jadi bila ada waktu boleh dicuri untuk bertemu kesayangan-kesayangan ini, redah saja tak kenal waktu dan penat untuk bertemu dan gelak bersama.</p><p>7. Eid Mubarak, gais. Jaga diri.</p>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-10368190780802322992022-01-05T13:44:00.000+08:002022-01-05T13:44:12.479+08:00Happy 2022<p>Tak tahu nak rasa happy atau tak. Basically this is the year for me to hustle. Whether nak kena juggle more jobs or change of job again, idk. We'll see where this goes. Deep down I feel distracted for not being able to have common clear goals with these people I look up dearly. Another wrong direction for me? To be honest idk.</p><p>There you go, two idk in a paragraph.</p><p>Not knowing where this is going is not good. Aku sangat tak boleh rasa stuck. I tend to leave immediately.</p><p>Anyway, turning double three this year in just one and a half month.</p><p>Greatest achievement so far is being able to sleep before 12 for most of the days. Congrats to myself.</p><p>Aging is just numbers adding up. What I want to focus on this year is my health. And wealth.</p>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-51655134485554532352021-09-23T15:08:00.005+08:002021-09-23T15:14:52.919+08:00Berterus terang<p>Pada umur begini, menyimpan rasa dan berharap cuma adalah perbuatan yang sia-sia. </p><p>Perkara yang sia-sia pula adalah suatu kerugian kerana masa bukanlah bekal yang kekal.</p><p>I never hate aging, I only hate the fact that I am not ready to die yet.</p><p>Menulis ini dengan berlatarkan lagu Yellow cukup menusuk. </p><p>Jika kehidupan di depan itu sifatnya mendatar saja, aku akur. Penat bila diberi pelbagai gula dan tiba-tiba saja habis.</p><p>I wish I die when I was younger. Before I taste the sin.</p><p>Hati yang sentiasa berbolak-balik tentang rasa, tentang agama. This is hard and I'm scared.</p><p>Pegang aku, Tuhan. Pegang aku kuat.</p>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-9962580386803475582021-07-19T19:07:00.001+08:002021-07-19T19:07:33.634+08:00Pergi<p>1. Terlalu banyak perkara menenggelamkan, aku hampir saja hilang lemas bersama.</p><p>2. Episod yang aku ingin tutup rapat, kembali mengetuk. Mungkin kali ini ada kelainan. Bukan seperti sebelum ini. Mungkin ada limitasi untuk tempoh ke depan.</p><p>3. Kesihatan tak berapa baik. Sakit kepala sepanjang hari. Perlu dikurangkan tempoh menghadap skrin. Akan tetapi masih tak dapat berhenti telan kafein setiap hari. Lebih merana sakitnya.</p><p>4. Mencari titik punca namun gagal. Tiada ruang bicara juga maka aku cuba lakukan apa yang boleh sahaja dengan ucapan moga-moga Tuhan bukakan pintu.</p><p>5. Berborak tentang Tuhan, aku sudah sangat jahil dan jauh. Keadaan menekan, aku tertekan dan terbawa-bawa kononnya kuat tanpa berpegang. Jadi bodoh pun meletihkan juga sebenarnya. Perlu kembali ke titian asal dengan penuh hati-hati menyusun kembali apa perlu.</p><p>6. Penat.</p><p>7. Kuatkan aku dan izinkan aku pergi bila aku sudah sedia, Tuhan.</p>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-68309541438738110482021-07-19T18:51:00.001+08:002021-07-19T18:51:28.565+08:00Rewrite<div>
<span face="sans-serif" style="font-family: verdana;"><i>"I am starting to have a lot of wishes, including some that I created in the past. But I guess I just need to rewrite them again."</i></span></div><div><span face="sans-serif" style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">--</span></div><div style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">A year ago I wrote the above. And to be honest I didn't realize that a year has passed and my last post here was a year ago.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Seems like life has been passing through quite fast this time. I was not able to get on a grip on something solid yet. No new hope or wishes to go through life calmly. Things are still pretty unstable but I will survive this as well. I mean, I guess so.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I wonder what it feels like to ask for help. Something happened that made me question my value and my vibe. Have I been spreading wrong messages to people around me all along? I wonder what has triggered for me to be misunderstood this much. It must be heavy to tolerate if the perception has been different all along, from the start.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">This past few months was hard. I must have been swayed in my thoughts that I wasn't able to view my life clearly. And fact that some actions have been affecting people I care about. Blurry. I've been forgetful too. It felt so weird but I wasn't able to control anything because life has been tiring and I guess I just want it to past. That's all.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I never felt the urge to be suicidal by harming myself all my life. Except for the prayers I made years back, for God to take me with mom because I cannot bear to live my world without the only one person who did not judge me. Who sees me for me without me saying anything. And now to think that I became a burden to someone, I guess dying slowly is also a good choice. Because I never like accidental death. I always pray to die in peace, or die with a disease that I'll be able to fight first. To have time with my family first.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Except that if I die when I first told God to take me with mom, I may have gone to heaven. But if I die now, I may be going to hell. A lot of things to ponder, to think about, to repent.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I still don't want to die swimming in my sins. However, I'm terribly scared of living right now. My anxiety is screaming. Everything sucks. And let's just say fuck you government first. Fuck you!</span></div>
Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-71877852288418590612020-07-01T13:26:00.000+08:002020-07-01T13:26:10.487+08:00A lot of buts and regret, but I will be okay<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">Shutting people away is sometimes a fun thing to do. I don't get to face all the world issues except mine. However, not even deep down I also know that I will need few selected people around me as something to hold on to. Else I can just disappear.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">I know I need to f</span><span style="font-family: sans-serif;">ind my focus point and start from there. But I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. Only routine ones work. I believe this is also a side effect of me not being able to do what I desire. To chase the truth and clear whatever assumptions there are. It is clearly eating my insides and my conscience. But I am also powerless. I just have to admit it and move on.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">I long for so many things right now but I keep failing to have them. So I am embracing life as it is. And life is taking me with it down into the sea.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">I don't think I need to fight the flow for a while. I will just let myself be. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">I will be okay. This is not a reset button. It's a just a pause. But resetting doesn't sound like a bad idea. Maybe I should really cut my hair short and try to breathe again. Maybe I should start my running routine again. Maybe just maybe, I should put a pause to all the maybe too and start doing and making them, step by step.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">I know I messed up real good this time. But I will survive. Just allow me to die for a while. It won't take long.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">If you're able to reach me during this moment, please grab my hand. As much as I want to be alone, I am also craving for good interactions and I appreciate every single moment shared. Once I get to run and fly again, we may not have the chances and opportunities much if I woke up being someone new, whom I may not be able to recognise myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">Everything taste bitter. I don't know if I actually just don't want to wake up anymore, or I am just super tired.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">I wrote the above last week. This week, it's time to hustle. So, till then. Let's see how far can I push myself this time.</span>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-74277853119742230842020-06-24T23:53:00.000+08:002020-06-24T23:53:48.357+08:00In the mean time1.There's a lot of thinking going on. I am not in my super health condition. Nothing serious (I believe). Recovering already from the sore throat. Body felt better too. More on needing rest.<br />
<br />
2. I don't want to have too many interaction with other beings anymore. But at the same time, there is a demand for me to contribute to the universe and humanity. This is just me trying to add worth to myself.<br />
<br />
3. I hate asking people for opinions. However, there's always a space to learn and you learn faster from a group of brains. So that's a good reason to discuss on things.<br />
<br />
4. There's a lot of thinking going on. Do I just move along or should I stay in the loop? I don't even know what's worse anymore. Both ways will cause pain to my heart. Unless there's a definite goal being set. Something to hold on to.<br />
<br />
5. I am stuck and drowning. And I don't want help. I want to sleep whole day, every day just to curse about the heaviness. I just want to embrace this mundaneness. I mean at least for now. I perfectly understand that I should not be a burden to others. Just for a while. Let me drown.<br />
<br />
6. <span style="font-family: sans-serif;">I was rarely direct with my feelings. But I have been very direct with this someone. However I may only bring more baggages to the person's already complicated situation. It's making me sad to have thoughts thinking if I should just be a temporary stop.</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">7. I want to have coffee so bad but my anxiety is killing me. Now I have tea and just swallow the bitterness of my life with it. It kinda works too. Let's see how long can this be maintained. I'm guessing three days max. Or maybe just one.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">8. I am not okay. I want to be okay to be able to support myself again. I want to be okay to be able to support and lift others around me again. But my wanting is not strong enough. Life beats me harder than that.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: sans-serif;">9. I miss home. Now I don't have one to myself.</span></div>
Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-700449122057989442020-06-12T12:08:00.002+08:002020-06-12T12:08:22.388+08:00Learning to letgo of something I should not walk away fromBismillah.<br />
<br />
May Allah ease everything.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-33268426326543543732020-06-02T23:21:00.000+08:002020-06-02T23:21:36.105+08:00Syndrome and occasion1. We keep learning and adding knowledge to oneself, but sometimes we failed to find the true essence of keeping things together. To look at things as a whole instead of just a pinch of the situation.<br />
<br />
2. Sometimes I deliberately want to be alone. Just me. So that the ghosts of the pasts would come and visit me in my dreams. A little getaway I call it. It can be good, it can be bad. Depends.<br />
<br />
3. Life was hard for the past 2 months. Unthinkable situation that I was not expecting to ever experienced in my whole life; this short humble life I own.<br />
<br />
4. An old flame came for a very short visit into my mind. Like a touch of an angel. I hope all is well.<br />
<br />
5. The person I put dear to heart and mind for around a year kind of no longer exist. Used to be like chipsmore, now just a flicker of light. Waiting to die, repaired or replaced. It must have been just me from the start.<br />
<br />
6. A new person came to give light to my life. Unattainable one. Complicated algorithm to fix, to set in. I'm embracing greediness but there were so many limitations that keep me grounded. I need to stay calm.<br />
<br />
7. Seems like I underestimated myself and was not controlling every expect very well at all times. I must have let my guard down and fail to calculate every single details before taking the steps. Many regrets to endure now.<br />
<br />
8. I am used to the withdrawal for caffeine. Sometimes I'm able to skip my daily coffee intake and succeeded. Some other days, I couldn't resist drinking it 2-3 cups or more. But I have learned how to cope with it when I can't have it. I get the ways to manage it differently.<br />
<br />
9. Nowadays I had to brave myself to adapt to many new other things and situation. Most of the times I failed to face them and I feel down many more times longer. I hate myself for this.<br />
<br />
10. To learn the art of letting it go. Because I might had to face some withdrawal permanently due to many uncertainties. I might start to train myself to stay composed by chopping my hair off soon. Because temporary things can be replaced. I just refused to face it and believe in it.<br />
<br />
11. God must have spent more time on me these days that He kept tugging at my heart many times in a day. However I am still anxious 24/7 and kind of drown in my dark thoughts most of the time. Don't let go of my hand yet, Most Gracious.<br />
<br />
12. The poem Dian Sastrowardoyo recited in AADC lingers the whole day in me today. Also some of other songs I have now memorize.<br />
<br />
13. I am becoming so good at pretending and hiding my thoughts and feelings. Truth is I am really not okay and actually get pissed off easily with myself. SOS, send help.<br />
<br />
14. Gonna cry myself to sleep. Good night.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-25655900018137846342020-05-29T01:04:00.001+08:002020-05-29T01:04:42.789+08:00Lost for wordsI just hope I still have the courage to wake-up in the morning and live a normal routine like a normal person.<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I hope God stays.</div>
Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-68647839178746740832020-05-25T21:37:00.001+08:002020-05-25T21:37:48.467+08:00BlurbsSetiap langkah dan pilihan yang diambil itu, mencorak diri kita yang sebenar-benarnya, bukan?<br />
<br />
Ada kemungkinan juga apa yang terzahir ini cuma lakonan untuk menutup luka yang disorok simpan dari umum.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-90977770531157063372020-05-23T22:18:00.003+08:002020-05-23T22:18:24.471+08:00Selamat hari raya<br />
Ramadan sudahpun meninggalkan. Aku pula masih terkapai-kapai, tenggelam timbul dalam lautan buih yang aku cipta sendiri.<br />
<br />
Be safe and take care peeps.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-15362679799463012612020-05-21T16:16:00.000+08:002020-05-21T16:16:41.321+08:00Waktu sekarangAda kabut yang menyelubungi.<br />
<br />
Masa mengalir laju meninggalkan aku yang masih cuma terduduk di atas batu ringan yang tidak stabil.<br />
<br />
Penat.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-14973468902147150472020-05-18T13:06:00.000+08:002020-05-18T23:14:43.002+08:00Dua puluh, dua puluh1. Dah lebih setahun tak menulis kat sini. Sibuk duk timbang 3-4 kerja tahun lepas dan tahun sebelumnya. It was fun while it lasts. <br>
<br>
2. Being 30 tahun lepas juga telah menjuruskan aku untuk tergoda dengan beberapa situasi yang tak patut aku venture in sebenarnya. But things happened and it made me who I am today. Now dah tiga puluh satu. <br>
<br>
3. Ada sebab mengapa aku biarkan blog ini bersawang. Takut kegilaan dan gundah yang menyerang terlalu zahir di sini. I started blogging after Mak's death. The blog was a gift from the second sister, knowing I really love to write. She wanted me to pour my heart and mind in here since I shut myself most of the time talking to them. Being the complex me, even here I still put a stop to the hideous part of my thoughts. Hehe. Even then, my brother used to say "Baca blog Adek ni kadang-kadang macam baca blog orang gila." I take that as a compliment.<br>
<br>
4. Aku rindukan aku 16 tahun dahulu dan sebelumnya. Pure and innocent. Positive all the way. I don't even know how to curse back then. Rindu je. I don't wish to turn back time. Unless it means Mak is alive and well.<br>
<br>
5. Sekarang ni aku sedang tersungkur, tersembam ke lantai. Tak dapat nak bangun lagi.<br>
<br>
6. Why am I still alive? Finding the purpose ni benda paling payah. Tapi pada masa yang sama, aku belum layak untuk bertemu dengan-Mu wahai Sang Pencipta. Penat sebenarnya to always be on the brink of life and death at 51:49 bila dalam gelap begini. Tapi bila Kau tarik dan sambut, sometimes it goes up to 78:22 which was awesome. Please keep finding me, God. Don't lose me yet while I still have You in my heart. <div><br></div><div>7. Nearly 2 months without fighting with the fuckers across the sea. Sebentar tadi housemate telefon cakap ada penghuni snobbish dalam MPV shouted at her waktu dia lintas jalan nak pergi ke kereta di luar gate apartment. Accusing her of being a visitor and tak register. Padahal dia owner rumah ni. She shouted back "What the fuck, man?!" and the guy stopped near her car konon nak ajak bergaduh tapi tak keluar kereta. She said kalau lelaki tu turun gaduh, she'd call me down to settle. I actually wish the man have balls to step out and gaduh dengan aman to clarify on things if he has brain in the head. Plus I would be glad to have a good fight to brush up my skills too. It's been a while and I don't want it to rot. Aku ni senang je. I hate stupid people. Lebih lagi yang tak beradab. </div><div><br></div><div>8. Ada kenalan baru yang semakin mendekat tetapi banyak limitasi. Ada kenalan-kenalan baru lain juga yang wujud tetapi cuma sebagai asshole di pinggiran, psycho, cuma mahu tunjukkan kebodohan dan sebagainya. Ada kenalan lama yang baru mengorak langkah. Manakala kenalan baru yang menselesakan dua tahun lalu bagai semakin menjauh. Ataupun sebenarnya aku yang terlebih fikir.</div><div><br></div><div>9. Aku perlu bertenang. Sebelum kehidupan turut berlalu pergi dan tak ada lagi cahaya yang mampu menyuluh ruang ini, aku perlu fokus dan make full use of myself. Sebab aku pun taknak jadi stupid people yang aku benci.</div><div><br></div><div>10. Aku pernah tulis banyak kali dan selalu sebut yang aku paling tak suka bila wang jadi masalah. Sekarang ni wang adalah masalah dan aku predict kalau aku lembab dan kurang pantas menangani situasi, aku akan bergantung dengan orang lain. Which aku tak suka. Aku lebih gemar menjadi yang menghulur tanpa berkira dari yang menerima. Namun sudah hukum alam, kejap di atas dan kejap di bawah. Terima kasih kepada rakan-rakan yang sudahpun memberi tawaran tanpa syarat dari awal. You guys are awesome and beautiful inside out. Semoga Tuhan melindungi kalian.<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br></div>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-40776334300116746632019-01-18T01:00:00.000+08:002019-01-18T01:00:02.712+08:00Happy Birthday, MakIf Mak is still around, she'd be 67 y/o.<br />
<br />
Happiest birthday to the most amazing person.<br />
<br />
I love you.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-73522497876812454632019-01-16T21:30:00.000+08:002019-01-16T21:30:07.799+08:00Flirting game<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">"It used to be fun. I don't think age is the main reason why it doesn't feel that way anymore, but let's just blame age. </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Not that I don't enjoy it at all. More like not having enough time for try and error process. I need things to be straightforward. Shit I sound old. </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Flirting is fun. Still fun. </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's just that at this age (shit I sound old again?).. Hmm nevermind. Nothing more to say. </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I mean if it's just flirting without any attachment and/or feelings at all, why bother? </span><span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There I said it."</span><br />
<div>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">I wrote the above on 12th January 2018. It's been a year. I'd say some of my views on the topic changed.</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It's not that the flirting game is not fun anymore. It's just have to be with the right people who talk to you at the same frequency, providing great resonance when together.</span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">It felt good to be honest. Thanks for the experience.</span></div>
Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-77257734954750199782019-01-14T18:55:00.001+08:002019-01-16T09:11:19.462+08:00Pelajaran Cinta 2018Kita mungkin fikir kita cuma boleh jatuh cinta sekali sahaja bila tak dapat melupakan cinta tersebut. Sebenarnya tak. Human is capable of many things. You'll learn to love again. And again. Cuma dengan cara berbeza, dengan rasa berbeza. Mungkin kau tak pernah dapat lupa pun perasaan cinta kau yang pertama atau kedua atau ketiga tadi. Tapi mungkin juga cinta yang sebetulnya kekal dan beri bahagia pada kau ada pada cinta kelima atau keenam.<div><br></div><div>Manusia. Jiwa. Penuh dengan rasa. Sangat.</div><div><br></div><div>Jaga hati.</div>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-49988428288643323852019-01-13T21:25:00.000+08:002019-01-13T21:26:10.743+08:00Ajak kahwinDah tiga orang kakak aku kahwin. Sekarang cuma tinggal abang dan aku yang masih bujang dan membujang haha.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Hanya sebab aku belum kahwin, tak bermaksud aku tak nak kahwin. Segala jenis baju, kain, pelamin unuk bergambar, bunga apa, menu catering, sirap warna apa, khemah macam mana, hantaran nak letak apa dan hias macam mana, semua aku boleh sebut dan atur sendiri. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Pasangan pengantin je aku tak tahu siapa.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Fazura kata dalam ramai-ramai, Fattah je ajak dia kahwin.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tapi dalam aku duk sedia ke apa ni, peningkatan umur ni berkadar terus juga dengan segala jenis cerita rumahtangga yang digosip merata. Maka benda-benda ni memang buat aku dan kawan-kawan bujang lain lebih berhati-hati juga.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Aku ni bukan-lah kategori rupa cantik untuk orang pandang taknak lepas. Dan aku juga bukan spesis mudah nak ter-suka kat orang hanya sebab rupa. Lagi-lagi bila dah berumur ni banyak benda bermain dalam kepala. Tak termasuk pengaruh persekitaran, pengaruh posting di Facebook: Kisah Rumah Tangga ke apa sangat pun. Cukup kepala aku cuma yang berat berfikir melebih. Konon-nya diri sendiri orang yang complicated.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Walaupun yang sebenarnya aku cuma nak orang yang melengkapi, memahami; keadaan aku yang tidak sentiasa sempurna dan tenang.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Dua bulan lepas aku cakap kat Abang "Jom kita dua kena kahwin tahun depan!", setelah mengetahui gadis yang dia suka sebenarnya dah berpunya. Abang cuma memberitahu kami adik-beradik tentang hal itu, "Jangan tanya dah" dan menjerit "Okay, NEXT!".</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, yeah. Next!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-2571702443068555202018-11-07T20:41:00.002+08:002018-11-07T20:41:52.447+08:00Tahun depan aku nak kahwinNak tu dah lama. Tapi fikir balik kalau tak kahwin lagi pun apadehal.<br />
<br />
Cari duit bayar hutang-hutang pending je dulu.<br />
Duit itu juga membahagiakan.<br />
<br />
Ewah. Lepastu menangis kat bucu katil cakap lonely.<br />
Pfft.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-26391773411450980142018-11-07T20:40:00.000+08:002018-11-07T20:40:13.897+08:00Kawan lama dan kenalan baruBeberapa hari lepas, aku tengok kawan-kawan lama aku bersuka ria.<br />
Tanpa aku.<br />
<br />
Ada sebab Tuhan jadikan setiap kejadian itu, bukan?<br />
<br />
Beberapa bulan lepas, aku didatangkan dengan perkenalan baru dengan seorang businessman yang aku tak pernah sangka-sangka masih sudi menghulurkan macam-macam tawaran untuk aku yang tak ada apa ini. To the point where aku akan ulang pertanyaan sama berulang kali kenapa dia pilih aku dan percaya aku sangat sedangkan baru saja kenal?<br />
<br />
Aku mula diam bila dia balas balik tanya "Kenapa, you tak yakin dengan diri you ke?"<br />
Aku sekarang mula mengenali rakan-rakan lingkungan bisnes beliau.<br />
<br />
Mungkin perbandingan agenda ni macam tak kena. Cuma aku rasa kehidupan aku lebih terisi sebab aku jadi sangat sibuk bila buat banyak kerja dan tak sempat nak mengadu hal lain selain mengomel comel bercerita kisah sibuk penat aku kepada budak-budak rumah sewa yang sudi tadah telinga.<br />
<br />
Ada sebab Tuhan jadikan setiap kejadian itu, bukan?<br />
<br />
Macam juga bila aku dah bosan kerja kat floor buat rutin dan mula apply jawatan-jawatan lain bersungguh-sungguh, suddenly dapat kerja sepenuh masa. Syukran. Tiba-tiba kerja separuh masa lain pula nak minta aku kerja sepenuh masa. This is one tough one to decide actually. Aku sedikit murung hari-hari nak tidur malam, bangun tidur pagi, sambil kerja kat office pun duk berfikir. Nampak sangat aku nak sangat kerja yang lagi satu ni. Cuma masa tak mengizinkan. Perlu sedikit ruang.<br />
<br />
Ada sebab Tuhan jadikan setiap kejadian itu, bukan?<br />
<br />
Moga dipermudah.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-53678537846499491452018-11-07T20:24:00.000+08:002018-11-07T20:27:41.706+08:00Sibuk penat, lapang murungAku sebenarnya cepat dilanda kemurungan kalau aku tak ada benda nak buat. Mungkin ramai rasa seronok bila tak ada kerja nak buat ataupun sentiasa lapang. Aku pun dulu macamtu tapi sekarang tak.<br />
<br />
Tak sibuk bermaksud aku akan banyak menggelamun dan termenung. Yang boleh mengakibatkan perasaan kurang tenang dan sebagainya. Jadi biasanya aku mengelak dari tak tahu nak buat apa. Kadang-kadang sampai bersusah bersungguh-sungguh untuk memuatturun series Grimm (sebab hero hensem) di Mekdonel hingga jam 3-4am jika hari esoknya hari cuti.<br />
<br />
Bila kerja syif, hari cuti aku tak sama dengan kawan-kawan dan keluarga aku sendiri. Jadi kena bijak mengisi masa dengan baik. Tapi bila dah terbiasa sangat dengan rutin syif tak tentu hala selaku pekerja separuh masa di syarikat perabot Sweden tersebut, aku mula rasa bosan. Maka aku letak target, by end of 2018 aku kena dapatkan kerja atau jawatan baru dengan syarikat sama (sebab sayangkan benefit), else aku akan keluar.<br />
<br />
Maka, aku dapat. Alhamdulillah.<br />
<br />
Tapi nak dijadikan cerita, bila minta bersungguh-sungguh dan Tuhan bagi ni, aku ada kerja lagi satu pula yang mungkin juga bakal menjadi kerja sepenuh masa aku.<br />
<br />
Maka aku kena memilih lagi sekali. Because at this rate, aku boleh je imbangkan dua-dua. Sepenuh masa dengan perabot Sweden, separuh masa dalam dunia bisnes korporat. Akan tetapi, kesihatan tak mengizinkan dan aku sendiri pun sebenarnya banyak condong ke satu arah sahaja.<br />
<br />
Di antara kemahuan dan kestabilan yang kukuh, susah bener kali ni ya mas?<br />
Bye nak makan.Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-67040598400453907332018-09-16T14:45:00.001+08:002018-09-17T14:16:48.273+08:00Life on the fast laneTercungap-cungap aku kejar kehidupan tahun ni. Bilangan kerja aku cuba buat toksah cerita. Cerita dia macam biasa, duit tetap tak berapa nak cukup.<div><br></div><div>Sebenarnya cukup, tapi aku mempunyai banyak kegilaan-kegilaan manja yang aku kena penuhi. Contoh utama aku boleh bagi makanan sedap dan segala isi Uniqlo. Keh keh.</div><div><br></div><div>Aku tengok kawan-kawan lain rileks mampu melancong sana-sini. Jeles ada, kagum pun ada. Jadi oleh kerana tu hidup diorang, hak diorang lah nak pakai duit buat apa pun.</div><div><br></div><div>Lepas dah merasa perasaan selesa (dalam kata lain bosan) dengan kerja bahagian jualan di gedung perabot Swedish terkenal di Damansara, aku tahu aku kena bertindak pantas untuk memberi semangat baru kepada diri sendiri. Maka bermula bulan Juli, aku dah mula kemaskini resume dan hantar permohonan kerja baru.</div><div><br></div><div>Aku dan bosan/tak ada cabaran/tak ada adrenaline rush/perasaan stuck akan membuatkan diri aku terjerumus ke fasa depresi. Aku tahu sangat. Aku dah taknak dah benda tu berlaku lagi. Sikit-sikit boleh lah layan. Kalau dah jatuh dalam tu, siapa pun yang ada nak tarik aku, tampung aku, semua orang sibuk dengan kehidupan masing-masing kot. Jadi kita tak boleh nak selfish kat sini. Sebab satu lagi: cukuplah aku lihat beberapa kawan aku berlalu pergi sebab tak mampu nak hadap kecelaruan aku dulu. It sucks.</div><div><br></div><div>Anyway, lepas dah 4 kali hadap sesi temuduga untuk 3 jawatan berbeza, aku berjaya dapat satu yang aku paling nak. Aku paling gila-gila nak. </div><div><br></div><div>Maka terima kasih Tuhan.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10097978.post-75336753043631009502018-04-04T04:09:00.001+08:002018-04-04T04:09:54.690+08:00Blessing in disguiseKakak is warded. I abruptly bought return flight tickets home because I was so worried.<div><br></div><div>Gratefully she's discharged now and will be ready to work tomorrow. I can still play the picture of her face looking surprised by my presence at the hospital with the parent on Monday. She even shed tears and hugged me for minutes. So I decided to hold her hands while sitting on her bed, while she talked to others visiting until the end of visiting hour.</div><div><br></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Kakak was warded. I abruptly bought return flight tickets home because I was so worried. There goes my money to pay my room rental. But I was able to pay the rent anyway (just need to buy less food to last the month). I had awesome time at the parent's house too. Which are great. I can sense they're enjoying my presence too.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">May kakak regained her health back. </span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">May I be able to strive and live well to support this family.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">There are </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">reasons as to why I am who I am, working my jobs, living my life today. I just need to do better and better to shape the good life I'm aiming.</span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><br></span></div><div><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Blessed.</span></div>Piseyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11021234909356394784noreply@blogger.com1