A lot of buts and regret, but I will be okay

Shutting people away is sometimes a fun thing to do. I don't get to face all the world issues except mine. However, not even deep down I also know that I will need few selected people around me as something to hold on to. Else I can just disappear.

I know I need to find my focus point and start from there. But I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. Only routine ones work. I believe this is also a side effect of me not being able to do what I desire. To chase the truth and clear whatever assumptions there are. It is clearly eating my insides and my conscience. But I am also powerless. I just have to admit it and move on.

I long for so many things right now but I keep failing to have them. So I am embracing life as it is. And life is taking me with it down into the sea.

I don't think I need to fight the flow for a while. I will just let myself be. 

I will be okay. This is not a reset button. It's a just a pause. But resetting doesn't sound like a bad idea. Maybe I should really cut my hair short and try to breathe again. Maybe I should start my running routine again. Maybe just maybe, I should put a pause to all the maybe too and start doing and making them, step by step.

I know I messed up real good this time. But I will survive. Just allow me to die for a while. It won't take long.

If you're able to reach me during this moment, please grab my hand. As much as I want to be alone, I am also craving for good interactions and I appreciate every single moment shared. Once I get to run and fly again, we may not have the chances and opportunities much if I woke up being someone new, whom I may not be able to recognise myself.

Everything taste bitter. I don't know if I actually just don't want to wake up anymore, or I am just super tired.

I wrote the above last week. This week, it's time to hustle. So, till then. Let's see how far can I push myself this time.

In the mean time

1.There's a lot of thinking going on. I am not in my super health condition. Nothing serious (I believe). Recovering already from the sore throat. Body felt better too. More on needing rest.

2. I don't want to have too many interaction with other beings anymore. But at the same time, there is a demand for me to contribute to the universe and humanity. This is just me trying to add worth to myself.

3. I hate asking people for opinions. However, there's always a space to learn and you learn faster from a group of brains. So that's a good reason to discuss on things.

4. There's a lot of thinking going on. Do I just move along or should I stay in the loop? I don't even know what's worse anymore. Both ways will cause pain to my heart. Unless there's a definite goal being set. Something to hold on to.

5. I am stuck and drowning. And I don't want help. I want to sleep whole day, every day just to curse about the heaviness. I just want to embrace this mundaneness. I mean at least for now. I perfectly understand that I should not be a burden to others. Just for a while. Let me drown.

6. I was rarely direct with my feelings. But I have been very direct with this someone. However I may only bring more baggages to the person's already complicated situation. It's making me sad to have thoughts thinking if I should just be a temporary stop.

7. I want to have coffee so bad but my anxiety is killing me. Now I have tea and just swallow the bitterness of my life with it. It kinda works too. Let's see how long can this be maintained. I'm guessing three days max. Or maybe just one.

8. I am not okay. I want to be okay to be able to support myself again. I want to be okay to be able to support and lift others around me again. But my wanting is not strong enough. Life beats me harder than that.

9. I miss home. Now I don't have one to myself.

Syndrome and occasion

1. We keep learning and adding knowledge to oneself, but sometimes we failed to find the true essence of keeping things together. To look at things as a whole instead of just a pinch of the situation.

2. Sometimes I deliberately want to be alone. Just me. So that the ghosts of the pasts would come and visit me in my dreams. A little getaway I call it. It can be good, it can be bad. Depends.

3. Life was hard for the past 2 months. Unthinkable situation that I was not expecting to ever experienced in my whole life; this short humble life I own.

4. An old flame came for a very short visit into my mind. Like a touch of an angel. I hope all is well.

5. The person I put dear to heart and mind for around a year kind of no longer exist. Used to be like chipsmore, now just a flicker of light. Waiting to die, repaired or replaced. It must have been just me from the start.

6. A new person came to give light to my life. Unattainable one. Complicated algorithm to fix, to set in. I'm embracing greediness but there were so many limitations that keep me grounded. I need to stay calm.

7. Seems like I underestimated myself and was not controlling every expect very well at all times. I must have let my guard down and fail to calculate every single details before taking the steps. Many regrets to endure now.

8. I am used to the withdrawal for caffeine. Sometimes I'm able to skip my daily coffee intake and succeeded. Some other days, I couldn't resist drinking it 2-3 cups or more. But I have learned how to cope with it when I can't have it. I get the ways to manage it differently.

9. Nowadays I had to brave myself to adapt to many new other things and situation. Most of the times I failed to face them and I feel down many more times longer. I hate myself for this.

10. To learn the art of letting it go. Because I might had to face some withdrawal permanently due to many uncertainties. I might start to train myself to stay composed by chopping my hair off soon. Because temporary things can be replaced. I just refused to face it and believe in it.

11. God must have spent more time on me these days that He kept tugging at my heart many times in a day. However I am still anxious 24/7 and kind of drown in my dark thoughts most of the time. Don't let go of my hand yet, Most Gracious.

12. The poem Dian Sastrowardoyo recited in AADC lingers the whole day in me today. Also some of other songs I have now memorize.

13. I am becoming so good at pretending and hiding my thoughts and feelings. Truth is I am really not okay and actually get pissed off easily with myself. SOS, send help.

14. Gonna cry myself to sleep. Good night.

Lost for words

I just hope I still have the courage to wake-up in the morning and live a normal routine like a normal person.

I hope God stays.


Setiap langkah dan pilihan yang diambil itu, mencorak diri kita yang sebenar-benarnya, bukan?

Ada kemungkinan juga apa yang terzahir ini cuma lakonan untuk menutup luka yang disorok simpan dari umum.

Selamat hari raya

Ramadan sudahpun meninggalkan. Aku pula masih terkapai-kapai, tenggelam timbul dalam lautan buih yang aku cipta sendiri.

Be safe and take care peeps.

Waktu sekarang

Ada kabut yang menyelubungi.

Masa mengalir laju meninggalkan aku yang masih cuma terduduk di atas batu ringan yang tidak stabil.


Dua puluh, dua puluh

1. Dah lebih setahun tak menulis kat sini. Sibuk duk timbang 3-4 kerja tahun lepas dan tahun sebelumnya. It was fun while it lasts. 

2. Being 30 tahun lepas juga telah menjuruskan aku untuk tergoda dengan beberapa situasi yang tak patut aku venture in sebenarnya. But things happened and it made me who I am today. Now dah tiga puluh satu. 

3. Ada sebab mengapa aku biarkan blog ini bersawang. Takut kegilaan dan gundah yang menyerang terlalu zahir di sini. I started blogging after Mak's death. The blog was a gift from the second sister, knowing I really love to write. She wanted me to pour my heart and mind in here since I shut myself most of the time talking to them. Being the complex me, even here I still put a stop to the hideous part of my thoughts. Hehe. Even then, my brother used to say "Baca blog Adek ni kadang-kadang macam baca blog orang gila." I take that as a compliment.

4. Aku rindukan aku 16 tahun dahulu dan sebelumnya. Pure and innocent. Positive all the way. I don't even know how to curse back then. Rindu je. I don't wish to turn back time. Unless it means Mak is alive and well.

5. Sekarang ni aku sedang tersungkur, tersembam ke lantai. Tak dapat nak bangun lagi.

6. Why am I still alive? Finding the purpose ni benda paling payah. Tapi pada masa yang sama, aku belum layak untuk bertemu dengan-Mu wahai Sang Pencipta. Penat sebenarnya to always be on the brink of life and death at 51:49 bila dalam gelap begini. Tapi bila Kau tarik dan sambut, sometimes it goes up to 78:22 which was awesome. Please keep finding me, God. Don't lose me yet while I still have You in my heart. 

7. Nearly 2 months without fighting with the fuckers across the sea. Sebentar tadi housemate telefon cakap ada penghuni snobbish dalam MPV shouted at her waktu dia lintas jalan nak pergi ke kereta di luar gate apartment. Accusing her of being a visitor and tak register. Padahal dia owner rumah ni. She shouted back "What the fuck, man?!" and the guy stopped near her car konon nak ajak bergaduh tapi tak keluar kereta. She said kalau lelaki tu turun gaduh, she'd call me down to settle. I actually wish the man have balls to step out and gaduh dengan aman to clarify on things if he has brain in the head. Plus I would be glad to have a good fight to brush up my skills too. It's been a while and I don't want it to rot. Aku ni senang je. I hate stupid people. Lebih lagi yang tak beradab. 

8. Ada kenalan baru yang semakin mendekat tetapi banyak limitasi. Ada kenalan-kenalan baru lain juga yang wujud tetapi cuma sebagai asshole di pinggiran, psycho, cuma mahu tunjukkan kebodohan dan sebagainya. Ada kenalan lama yang baru mengorak langkah. Manakala kenalan baru yang menselesakan dua tahun lalu bagai semakin menjauh. Ataupun sebenarnya aku yang terlebih fikir.

9. Aku perlu bertenang. Sebelum kehidupan turut berlalu pergi dan tak ada lagi cahaya yang mampu menyuluh ruang ini, aku perlu fokus dan make full use of myself. Sebab aku pun taknak jadi stupid people yang aku benci.

10. Aku pernah tulis banyak kali dan selalu sebut yang aku paling tak suka bila wang jadi masalah. Sekarang ni wang adalah masalah dan aku predict kalau aku lembab dan kurang pantas menangani situasi, aku akan bergantung dengan orang lain. Which aku tak suka. Aku lebih gemar menjadi yang menghulur tanpa berkira dari yang menerima. Namun sudah hukum alam, kejap di atas dan kejap di bawah. Terima kasih kepada rakan-rakan yang sudahpun memberi tawaran tanpa syarat dari awal. You guys are awesome and beautiful inside out. Semoga Tuhan melindungi kalian.