1. Terlalu banyak perkara menenggelamkan, aku hampir saja hilang lemas bersama.

2. Episod yang aku ingin tutup rapat, kembali mengetuk. Mungkin kali ini ada kelainan. Bukan seperti sebelum ini. Mungkin ada limitasi untuk tempoh ke depan.

3. Kesihatan tak berapa baik. Sakit kepala sepanjang hari. Perlu dikurangkan tempoh menghadap skrin. Akan tetapi masih tak dapat berhenti telan kafein setiap hari. Lebih merana sakitnya.

4. Mencari titik punca namun gagal. Tiada ruang bicara juga maka aku cuba lakukan apa yang boleh sahaja dengan ucapan moga-moga Tuhan bukakan pintu.

5. Berborak tentang Tuhan, aku sudah sangat jahil dan jauh. Keadaan menekan, aku tertekan dan terbawa-bawa kononnya kuat tanpa berpegang. Jadi bodoh pun meletihkan juga sebenarnya. Perlu kembali ke titian asal dengan penuh hati-hati menyusun kembali apa perlu.

6. Penat.

7. Kuatkan aku dan izinkan aku pergi bila aku sudah sedia, Tuhan.


"I am starting to have a lot of wishes, including some that I created in the past. But I guess I just need to rewrite them again."


A year ago I wrote the above. And to be honest I didn't realize that a year has passed and my last post here was a year ago.

Seems like life has been passing through quite fast this time. I was not able to get on a grip on something solid yet. No new hope or wishes to go through life calmly. Things are still pretty unstable but I will survive this as well. I mean, I guess so.

I wonder what it feels like to ask for help. Something happened that made me question my value and my vibe. Have I been spreading wrong messages to people around me all along? I wonder what has triggered for me to be misunderstood this much. It must be heavy to tolerate if the perception has been different all along, from the start.

This past few months was hard. I must have been swayed in my thoughts that I wasn't able to view my life clearly. And fact that some actions have been affecting people I care about. Blurry. I've been forgetful too. It felt so weird but I wasn't able to control anything because life has been tiring and I guess I just want it to past. That's all.

I never felt the urge to be suicidal by harming myself all my life. Except for the prayers I made years back, for God to take me with mom because I cannot bear to live my world without the only one person who did not judge me. Who sees me for me without me saying anything. And now to think that I became a burden to someone, I guess dying slowly is also a good choice. Because I never like accidental death. I always pray to die in peace, or die with a disease that I'll be able to fight first. To have time with my family first.

Except that if I die when I first told God to take me with mom, I may have gone to heaven. But if I die now, I may be going to hell. A lot of things to ponder, to think about, to repent.

I still don't want to die swimming in my sins. However, I'm terribly scared of living right now. My anxiety is screaming. Everything sucks. And let's just say fuck you government first. Fuck you!