How do I get my courage? To leave something solid and real.
To chase something else I'm not sure of.
Believe me I don't have it. To crush the hopes of others (like parent, siblings and friends), I don't have it. But to stay means I'm just the liability to the company. I cannot perform anymore. I lose interest. Dragging myself out of bed on working days is too much already. Feeling demotivated seeing the frustration on people I have to report to every single day? It sucks.
High expectation from their side. Wanting me to instruct and manage the resources of the company well while at the same time they're the one controlling them.
High expectation from my side too; wanting them to change the system for betterment as to what I believe would be a great solution for all these increasing frustrations.
It's a losing battle. They are the one with money. They believe the power comes from money. Their vision is to make more money. But I on the other hand don't share the same vision.
I see flaws everywhere. I want solutions. Not to keep doing the same kind of practice in the same kind of system just to meet the same kind of problems.
If I don't take it seriously, I won't be at this state.
I feel bad leaving, but it's something I have to do at the moment.
If things should change around here after I left than that would be great. I don't mind. At least my colleagues can have the benefits.
It is like a 10km run started at 10am. I am one of the person in charge but also the participant of the run. I started great then got tired at 3km. After a while I run again, but at 5.5km I felt so tired and started thinking. Why do I need to do this? What shall I gain? Where are all the participants? For 10km run we're supposed to have at least 100-200 people signing up, not 20 or 10.
Suddenly the sponsors announced that they are changing the rules. Those at the finish line must swim across a river. Distance is 2km. Those at 8km must stop and go buy hampers before continuing the run. And vice versa. Then at 12pm, they demand the results. Everybody is now terrified, out of focus. Not knowing which, what to do.
In the end of course, I was called and interrogated and being asked why to all the problems occurred. They get pissed off with my answers. I get pissed off with their management skills. And the fact that no one would admit that it's their faults too; kills me.
They don't have system. And as someone with very complex mind, overthinking and all; I find it very disturbing.
'Bila sudah tiada motivasi,
bila sudah dikata tiada kebolehan lagi,
mana lagi saya mahu pergi?'
Health-wise I'm not doing great. Spiritually I'm losing it.
See how complex I make it sounds?
Maybe I just don't want to do it anymore.
Maybe I'm just a fool? I just want to rest for a while.
Words I found today,
"The truth is, at every level, we're all just figuring it out as we go."
I hope you're surviving well in your battle girl.