Kemurungan

Ya, murung. Murung tahap tak boleh wujud perasaan kecewa sikitpun, boleh terus nangis teruk. 

I have defended and secured the heart too much for quite a long time. Perhaps year 2014 is made special for me to express out all those pain I have endured, so God gave me tests from time to time and let me cry wholeheartedly this time.

And in this case, though I have mentioned 'time' a few times, no. Time doesn't heal.

Ada perkara lain yang membebankan. Setiap kali diuji kecil, aku yang sedang penat tak mampu membendung perasaan tersebut elok. Masalah ini dari aku sendiri. Tak pernah salah orang sekeliling. Aku yang sepatutnya boleh kawal segala apa tentang diri sendiri.

And these days I hate myself for turning into this kind of being.

Current

Ada kekangan yang menarik aku ke belakang. Kadang-kadang bila datang semangat untuk ke depan itu lebih, aku cuma mampu statik dan bertahan di tempat sama. Jarang bermampu maju walau sedikit.

Masalah ini bukan salah sesiapa. Masalah aku sendiri. Masalah bila aku tidak dapat fokus untuk menyusun rancangan kehidupan yang ada dengan sempurna. Masalah bila aku takut untuk gagal. Masalah bila aku takut dengan perubahan. Masalah bila aku risau tak tentu pasal tentang banyak perkara.

*mencarut manja*

I need a shelter. I need a shelter from myself. I need a shelter from the demon inside me.

A master graduate of University of Manchester

Tak boleh nak describe perasaan relief aku tahap mana. Was scared to death sejak submit dissertation on September 1st itu hari. Kerja yang patut buat 3-4bulan aku siapkan pulun dalam 2minggu sebab baru decide nak tukar tajuk sikit and so on. Memang kerja gila waktu buat tak terasa. Lepas submit terus nak nangis risau takut berlaku plagiarism sebab masa kan suntuk so tak sempat double check and so on. 

Kids, jangan buat dissertation kelam kabut camni, naya. Aku takpa, aku power keh keh (dah dapat result berani la cakap).

Am now officially a MSc graduate with Merit. Aku punyalah doa nak lulus je, how God can be so kind to us when we were so forgetful of Him. Selalu, kan? Kan?

Semester 1 dapat Distinction.
Semester 2 dapat Merit.
Dissertation dapat Merit.

Average, Merit. Grateful, really. Sebab kalau cuma ikut usaha, I haven't been a very good student. Tapi dalam tempoh tu, I tried so hard to balance things I'm capable of doing. Like taking care of the housemates, the bestfriends, the classmates and every kind people I met in Manchester. I cook a lot. I eat. I sleep a lot. I juggle too many things at once in my head. I shut down a few times when those things go rough. All in all, I survived the year and would like to live there again if I got the chance. The environment was too awesome and wonderful. 

Kalau tanya seronok atau tak duk Manchie with all those fucked up moments I had, aku akan jawab sukaaaaaa. Ada buah hati (he said I love him padahal dia yang suka sakat aku, aku gelak senyum je untung-untung dapat nasi lebih) kat kedai nasi arab Al-Taiba yang comel akan tiap-tiap hari pandang keychain Eiffel Tower yang aku kasi kat dia. He put it next to a KLCC structure his friend gave him once. Harap kalau jadi pergi convo Julai tahun depan, it and he will still be there in the restaurant. Juga owner kedai yang berkarisma itu. Oke ni rindu nasi arab sana sebenarnya. Amat amat.

To those who have finished your bachelor's degree lepastu rasa cam liat nak kerja atau kerja liat nak jumpa korang and you happened to have not the best but just a good grade would do for you to take a next step and apply to further your study (my degree cgpa was 3.21, technical field). Perhaps bukan nak belajar sangat pun but you have the desire to finish things you started, just do it. MARA biasa opening awal Mac. Apply university senang je. Some doesn't require an IELTS pun. I used my SPM gce-o English certificate for my application. But yeah, ada syaratnya lah gred berapa lepas. Paling akan menguji sebelum fly biasanya MARA sendiri sebab well, money kan matter. 

Satu je pesan, jangan tinggal Tuhan. Like I mentioned earlier, it's not how much you do in your study je. It's how you take care of everything especially God's business. I'm 25. I'm old. The family is older. I cried in my heart setiap kali tengok ayah, umi, aunties and everyone around I care about these days. Kita tak tahu bila nafas pinjam ni akan ditarik balik. Wallahualam.

Ask me. Kalau ada masa dan peluang I'll try my best to guide you. These days baru mula bernafas untuk apply kerja bersungguh semula. Doakan aku.

Anyway, this post was supposed to be a paragraph short. I just got carried away.

Tatata.

Depresi 4 November

Often we stumble upon things we don't understand. After a while, we realised of its importance. But by then it's not important anymore because it has already gone and went out of reach. Next thing you know you fell hard. Deeper than you've been imagining it before. This time, even endless supplies of dark black coffee couldn't fix it. Your heart became heavy. Your mind got restless. Your body was as exhausted as it can be. You call out for help but there's no answer. You can only cry and weep to sleep. 

The end.

Barely alive

Barely make it each day by day.

Help me will you?

What happened in September and October?

Lots.

Lepas submit dissertation on September 1st, aku tidur dan makan banyak. Lepastu proses pindah rumah angkut barang and so on.

Met few bitches I wish their parents disagree with their attitudes too. Else I don't know what else to say, perhaps ke mana tumpahnya kuah kalau bukan ke nasi. It was a mess really.

My head went upside down. Had trouble keeping myself well too. All in all grateful to have awesome lovely friends with me in Manchester to the last bit. 

Had my last euro trip to Paris, Amsterdam and Barcelona. Ran out of money. Broke and borrowed large sum of money for the first time and hopefully it will be the last as well. Already made the payment with the end of study allowance.

Gonna skipped most of the restless parts because it's killing me. 

Lepastu balik Mesia naik flight sorang. Sangat kalut because time was never kind masa tu. Banyak benda tak habis treasure lagi. Sad. But I believe I'll get the chances in the future. Will make it happen insyaAllah.

Barely alive trying to fit in the weather in Malaysia. Bukan nak kata dah jadi orang UK, aku memang tak serasi dengan cuaca panas dari dulu lagi. Something with silau and eye strain and I don't know what. So nak adapt from below ten degree to twenty plus memang haru. Demam seminggu stop dan demam balik a few times. 

Kerja belum dapat sebab kerja saya makan dan tidur masih. And yeah Clash of Clans.

By the way, I'm officially fat. I called myself garfield these days.

The end.


Life update

Been on hiatus for so long. Pardon me. Everything got stuck in between the food and the bed. Am a mess. Living a miserable life for my own self, but enjoying every moments I have with the families.

Lots of things happened. Felt a little bit left out. Feel like killing myself for sinning repeatedly.

Hold me God. Always.

Takut

Tak pernah rasa takut macam ni seumur hidup sejak kehilangan mak.

Doakan aku siap dissertation ni sempurna pada masanya. Panik, panik!

Current flow

Hati tak tenang.

Otak kurang waras.

Degup jantung tak kena.

Jiwa kacau betul.

Jaga aku ya Rab. Aku perlu fokus. Berikan aku sihat dan minda yang baik untuk menyiapkan dissertation dengan baik.

Lepastu nak balik tatap muka manusia-manusia kesayangan for good.