This is hard

But I won't give up.

Healthy promise

Well I can also say it as pinky promise. Pink has always been related with health too (dentist described your gums and teeth condition as pink if it is in good condition).

Coming back to some senses, I am driving myself nuts by adding my weight more and more and by being fat. I rarely call myself fat but this time I'm agreeing to it for the first time. Hahaha. 

Already cross over the weight limit I always carry in my thoughts thus here I am trying and making a whole new experience by doing some weight lifting (well only the dumbell of course) and other exercises as routines. I go to sleep at night having tight muscles only to wake up the next morning praying not to strain them. 

I also am adding more veggiesand fruits to my already lots of veggies and fruits meals everyday. I cut on my carbs intake of daily rice portions to something else. Well, I can say I am in control when I eat alone. 

But all these get tougher when your father take you to dinner and blablabla. Of course you get to eat tasty and delicious (fatty) food too from time to time. It's called a time break. A recess. Haha.

Pardon my rusty language. I just need to start reading and writing again. I figure out that if I don't jot things down, I get pretty messy and just get lazier. 

Get up and stay strong Anna! 

Any of you now making exercises a habit? Tell me your beauty secrets please pretty handsome please. Haha. Let's all be beautiful and indulge in oneself more.

Take care peeps.

It's 2015, wake-up!

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Time to take action and be a responsible human being.

And stay kind, always.

Hai awak Kelantan sekarang banjir teruk

I want to believe I have passed my depression. Well, hopefully it is true. Keep to the point of this post.

Kat Pengkalan Chepa ni. Harap rumah tak naik air. Never had the experience thus we are still unprepared. Condolences to those affected. My aunt's house not more than 2km from here memang semua dah menetap di tingkat 2. Kalau rumah saya kena, saya tak ada tingkat 2 :(

Keep praying. As much as I want to get mad and point my fingers to whom I believe need to be more responsible to the matter, I blame myself more for being lazy. For not being able to do a thing, for being helpless.

Ni kalau banjir air masuk rumah ni memang menangis kalau tak dapat selamatkan segala buku yang ada. And other 'few' possessions of mine. Few lah sangat. Ya, banyak betul barang saya. I must be a hoarder.

Everyone, please stay safe. Moga yang perlu diselamatkan berjaya diselamatkan dengan selamat. Thank you to those helping. Memang kerahan tenaga bantuan dah banyak. Cuma bencana agak besar jadi mungkin ia tak mencukupi at this rate. Mungkin mangsa cuma mahu lebih banyak yang peduli.

Contohnya saya. Saya perlu lebih ramai yang peduli. Sebab media tak keluar liputan sangat macam hourly update, I don't even know what's going on anymore. Pahang, Terengganu, Kedah semua banjir. Except the updates on whatsapp and facebooks from friends and families. 

And this thing that is happening is scary.

Kemurungan

Ya, murung. Murung tahap tak boleh wujud perasaan kecewa sikitpun, boleh terus nangis teruk. 

I have defended and secured the heart too much for quite a long time. Perhaps year 2014 is made special for me to express out all those pain I have endured, so God gave me tests from time to time and let me cry wholeheartedly this time.

And in this case, though I have mentioned 'time' a few times, no. Time doesn't heal.

Ada perkara lain yang membebankan. Setiap kali diuji kecil, aku yang sedang penat tak mampu membendung perasaan tersebut elok. Masalah ini dari aku sendiri. Tak pernah salah orang sekeliling. Aku yang sepatutnya boleh kawal segala apa tentang diri sendiri.

And these days I hate myself for turning into this kind of being.

Current

Ada kekangan yang menarik aku ke belakang. Kadang-kadang bila datang semangat untuk ke depan itu lebih, aku cuma mampu statik dan bertahan di tempat sama. Jarang bermampu maju walau sedikit.

Masalah ini bukan salah sesiapa. Masalah aku sendiri. Masalah bila aku tidak dapat fokus untuk menyusun rancangan kehidupan yang ada dengan sempurna. Masalah bila aku takut untuk gagal. Masalah bila aku takut dengan perubahan. Masalah bila aku risau tak tentu pasal tentang banyak perkara.

*mencarut manja*

I need a shelter. I need a shelter from myself. I need a shelter from the demon inside me.

A master graduate of University of Manchester

Tak boleh nak describe perasaan relief aku tahap mana. Was scared to death sejak submit dissertation on September 1st itu hari. Kerja yang patut buat 3-4bulan aku siapkan pulun dalam 2minggu sebab baru decide nak tukar tajuk sikit and so on. Memang kerja gila waktu buat tak terasa. Lepas submit terus nak nangis risau takut berlaku plagiarism sebab masa kan suntuk so tak sempat double check and so on. 

Kids, jangan buat dissertation kelam kabut camni, naya. Aku takpa, aku power keh keh (dah dapat result berani la cakap).

Am now officially a MSc graduate with Merit. Aku punyalah doa nak lulus je, how God can be so kind to us when we were so forgetful of Him. Selalu, kan? Kan?

Semester 1 dapat Distinction.
Semester 2 dapat Merit.
Dissertation dapat Merit.

Average, Merit. Grateful, really. Sebab kalau cuma ikut usaha, I haven't been a very good student. Tapi dalam tempoh tu, I tried so hard to balance things I'm capable of doing. Like taking care of the housemates, the bestfriends, the classmates and every kind people I met in Manchester. I cook a lot. I eat. I sleep a lot. I juggle too many things at once in my head. I shut down a few times when those things go rough. All in all, I survived the year and would like to live there again if I got the chance. The environment was too awesome and wonderful. 

Kalau tanya seronok atau tak duk Manchie with all those fucked up moments I had, aku akan jawab sukaaaaaa. Ada buah hati (he said I love him padahal dia yang suka sakat aku, aku gelak senyum je untung-untung dapat nasi lebih) kat kedai nasi arab Al-Taiba yang comel akan tiap-tiap hari pandang keychain Eiffel Tower yang aku kasi kat dia. He put it next to a KLCC structure his friend gave him once. Harap kalau jadi pergi convo Julai tahun depan, it and he will still be there in the restaurant. Juga owner kedai yang berkarisma itu. Oke ni rindu nasi arab sana sebenarnya. Amat amat.

To those who have finished your bachelor's degree lepastu rasa cam liat nak kerja atau kerja liat nak jumpa korang and you happened to have not the best but just a good grade would do for you to take a next step and apply to further your study (my degree cgpa was 3.21, technical field). Perhaps bukan nak belajar sangat pun but you have the desire to finish things you started, just do it. MARA biasa opening awal Mac. Apply university senang je. Some doesn't require an IELTS pun. I used my SPM gce-o English certificate for my application. But yeah, ada syaratnya lah gred berapa lepas. Paling akan menguji sebelum fly biasanya MARA sendiri sebab well, money kan matter. 

Satu je pesan, jangan tinggal Tuhan. Like I mentioned earlier, it's not how much you do in your study je. It's how you take care of everything especially God's business. I'm 25. I'm old. The family is older. I cried in my heart setiap kali tengok ayah, umi, aunties and everyone around I care about these days. Kita tak tahu bila nafas pinjam ni akan ditarik balik. Wallahualam.

Ask me. Kalau ada masa dan peluang I'll try my best to guide you. These days baru mula bernafas untuk apply kerja bersungguh semula. Doakan aku.

Anyway, this post was supposed to be a paragraph short. I just got carried away.

Tatata.

Depresi 4 November

Often we stumble upon things we don't understand. After a while, we realised of its importance. But by then it's not important anymore because it has already gone and went out of reach. Next thing you know you fell hard. Deeper than you've been imagining it before. This time, even endless supplies of dark black coffee couldn't fix it. Your heart became heavy. Your mind got restless. Your body was as exhausted as it can be. You call out for help but there's no answer. You can only cry and weep to sleep. 

The end.

Barely alive

Barely make it each day by day.

Help me will you?