Of helping and hoping to be helped

Kita tidak boleh sentiasa berharap untuk dibantu.
Kita juga tidak boleh sentiasa membantu.

I don't know.

Maybe sometimes if you feel like helping everybody, hence you expect people to do the same for you.

Though it's totally not the right thing to do. You keep hoping for the wrong thing.

Berharaplah cuma pada Tuhan.
He who Knows best.

If you ever feel tired and need this

Read this when you're tired of everything.

Here.

Thanks N for the link.

Mellow

























It's raining almost every day.
--

Food poisoning

Setiap kali sakit melanda, aku rasa seronok. Satu, dapat berehat. Dua, dapat berehat. Bukan nak cakap bila sihat ni tak cukup rehat, cuma kadang-kadang sakit yang Tuhan datangkan tu sesuai dan kena pada masa dan keadaan. Buat aku bersyukur lebih. Ruang untuk berfikir.

Ahad lepas makan bihun kari di Teh Tarik Place, Paradigm Mall. Sebelum tu aku makan lauk kenduri di Rooftop Garden Hotel, Bukit Jelutong. Aku tak rasa lauk kenduri yang sebabkan aku sakit perut. Sebab berpuluh-puluh kawan aku yang datang bersama makan hidangan semua sihat walafiat.

Berbalik kepada bihun kari tadi. Aku tak pernah makan bihun kari sebelum ni. Dan aku dalam keadaan tak berselera. Jadi bila suapan pertama aku rasa tak sedap, aku tak endahkan deria rasa aku. Aku makan lagi. Makan 3-4 suapan. Aku komen tak sedap. Tak sedap sampai tahap aku tak tahu macam mana nak betulkan masakan kari ni. Kawan-kawan lain semua hadap nasi lemak dan nasi kerabu masing-masing. Aku tak dapat habiskan bihun kari tersebut. Silapnya aku paksa makan sampai hampir separuh. Haha. Spesis dah bayar, ini rezeki, sila makan. Aku salahkan hormon wanita yang tidak stabil waktu tu. Period hari pertama. Mungkin sebab tu aku tak ada selera. Positif sangat.

Isnin, 450am bangun macam nak pergi lumba lari. Cuma aku berlari turun katil sorang-sorang tanpa peserta lain. Sejam bermastautin dalam bilik air. Sampai nak tertidur. Usai urusan tentulah aku tidur. Bangun balik dah jam 8am. Buka Whatsapp dan tinggalkan mesej cakap aku MC pada teman-teman sekerja dan bos-bos. Tidur balik lepas ke bilik air.

Pertama kali nak ke klinik pun sampai kena berhenti di Petronas untuk gunakan bilik air. Haha. Inilah sebab aku suka tidur sampai ke petang bila kena bab sakit perut ni. Dah habis rehat baru pergi klinik. Nasib kakak yang tolong bawa aku ke hulu hilir. Jadi tak mengapalah. Asal tak ada kesesakan lalu lintas. Sebab cuaca panas atau apa-apa yang boleh buat aku panik boleh beri kesan pada sakit perut yang dialami.

Doktor tanya dah makan apa pagi ni? Aku geleng senyum. Tengah hari dah makan? Aku jawab lepas ni. Dia pun tak tanya banyak. Haha. Nasib tak kena marah. Aku dahla ada gastrik. Tapi memang keracunan makanan macam ni potong selera. Aktiviti ke bilik air terakhir berlangsung lebih kurang jam 1130pm hari tersebut.

Aku cuma boleh cakap. Ubat tahan muntah yang kena telan sebelum makan ni memang mujarab. Kalau tak makan, memang aku rasa nak muntah balik lepas makan.

Sekian, laporan daripada saya, mangsa keracunan makanan.

If you may ask me why

Money matters so much these days.

1. Haji registration with Tabung Haji (TH). To contribute monthly in the TH account.
3. To contribute monthly in ASNB account.
4. To pay zakat by end of the year from investment and savings account.
5. To buy gold for personal collection. Should this exceed that amount for collection where I have to pay zakat for it, I am obliged to pay too.

6. I want to buy a house. Small or big. As long as I can live with it.
7. To survive number 6, I need to be stable enough to feed myself well.
8. I need good coffee time with friends from time to time. This is quite costly now that I think of it.
9. I don't want to be a burden. I want to survive.
10. I just want to live.

Most of all, I need to pay Ayah for the car deposit he gave. Also I want to contribute monthly to him as well. In order to do all stated above, I need to have a stable income.

But, everything has a but. And butt as well, haha. I don't want to do things I have no passion in.

Umi is not doing very good. She's fighting well though. Going through physiotherapy exercises for her easily cramped leg. I wish I can be near them. Or be able to go back whenever I want to or when I need to.

I want to be flexible. Do what I want. Do what I need. Gain money for my skills and talents. Be able to calmly talk about it. Dream about it. Sleep with it.

So, if you may ask me why?
I just want to live.

Even if there is nobody to catch me, I will be okay

First, you were born to be awesome. Always remember that.

Second, revise the first point again.

Third, even when you don't want money to be a problem, you still need to work and earn money to live. Even if you think money is not everything, it's one very important measure to survive.

Fourth, never lose your awesome-ness.

Fifth, chill. If you need a break then go take a break.

Key point to remember

I have the urge to write almost 24/7. Maybe I should just be a writer.

These days I sleep a lot. Even when I had enough sleep, I will still want to continue sleeping.

I noticed that people don't really know how to handle me when I show them my weakness. I don't know how to handle me too.

Well, your life your choice lah.

Do whatever you want when you feel like it.

If I have to fall now and nobody is there to catch me, why not.

Pakcik naik motosikal kena langgar

Pagi-pagi dah rasa nak nangis tengok serpihan motosikal pakcik bersepah kat jalan raya.

Kereta VW putih tu boleh kemek bahagian depan sisi kanan. Motosikal pakcik tentulah berkecai.

Tak tahu salah siapa. I was minutes away when the accident took place.

Muka pakcik nampak runsing sambil berjalan perlahan kat bahu jalan.

Harap pakcik okay.

Pagi ni juga Arra cakap nampak kucing kena langgar sedang nazak kat tengah-tengah cabang empat. Dia takut kucing. Tapi dia sedih sebab kesian kat kucing tu. Dia pun tak mampu nak pergi kutip ambil.

Bersyukurlah dengan nikmat-nitmat yang ada. Nyawa ni sekejap je Tuhan boleh ambil balik.

Traumatized

Well, where to start? I have claustrophia.

Sometimes I have to control my breath well in order to ride an airplane. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all. Maybe to the fact that I slept continuosly from Kuala Lumpur to Abu Dhabi to Manchester once.

Simply say, I have be safe or feel safe. I cannot feel trapped. Even being in this office environment with no visible windows kind of drowned me a bit. I took time to adapt and get familiar with the area.

Last week I went eating with friends at a restaurant. We had to sit at first floor since ground ones were full of people. But upstairs were also packed and loud. I have to calm myself from thinking that the only exit down is the staircase in order to continue eating.

I may not show or tell, but sometimes it was that bad.

And I developed anxiety issues from time to time. I don't handle pressure well. So yeah I can get panic out of the blue when I am alone.

So to top all of these, I got into an accident last Tuesday. Luckily not alone; with a colleague as my co driver. They were only scrapes and scratches on the body of my car. But I can still see the image of the black car on my right hand side bumped into my car.

The scar it left on the car may not be much, but I find it hard to let go.

Wednesday morning I was trapped in a traffic jam on my way to work. And the feeling was horrible. It's just me. This shall pass.

What do people usually say?
It's all in your head.

Thank you for the prayers. I am physically fine.

Dear God, please take care of me.

Kata-kata dan niat

Setakat terlanjur kata sinis sekali-sekala, kita semua manusia. Tak sedar pun.

Tak sedar yang kadangnya ada kata-kata yang tak perlu diluahkan. Kadangnya kita mengguris hati manusia yang kita kasihkan.

Niat; seperti dalam agama yang benar, tak pernah meluluskan cara sesuatu kata diutarakan jika hal itu menyakitkan hati pihak yang mendengar. Walaupun hal itu adalah fakta yang betul.

Tahun ini ada jarak yang wujud, dan juga jarak yang sengaja diwujudkan demi keperluan untuk menjaga hati sesama manusia.

Rapat macam mana pun, kalau tak punya ruang yang sebetulnya akan ada yang mengguris, akan ada yang terguris.

Asing macam mana pun, jika hormatnya cukup, selesa itu akan lebih menenangkan jiwa-jiwa yang memerlukan.

Kita cuma perlukan manusia yang memahami, yang hornat pada kamu. Manusia ini juga perlu sanggup untuk beri kamu waktu, ruang dan tenaga. Sanggup bersusah untuk kamu. Melayan apa saja kamu.

Tapi kamu juga janganlah sampai tak sedar diri.
Kah kah kah.

Layanlah juga orang di sisi kamu sebaiknya.

"Okay."

Please, miss me II

It's hard to trace the presence of longing from your side these days. I wonder if my heart has darkened that I could not feel it at all at times.

I hate to sigh but have to continue the struggle to live.

Life is hard. I wish you can read me.

The wind blows and I feel cold

Last week when I was driving home after work, something came to my mind.

"It's not like I don't deserve to have some people around me, but they just don't deserve me to be in theirs. Perhaps I am the one who should move forward."

People come and go II

"Ada ajakan dari seorang teman untuk merehatkan jiwa ke wilayah terpilih di Perak. Aku agak tidak sabar untuk melaksanakan projek itu walaupun fulus kering. Baik tak baik teman itu, dia mahu tanggung perbelanjaan aku. Dia cuma mahu aku temankannya.

Aku mahu kau tahu; kalau-kalau projek ini tak jadi sekalipun, aku mahu berterima kasih banyak pada kau. Atas alasan mengajak dan memberi pilihan untuk aku berbuat keputusan."

I wrote this early 2013. And it was about the same girl of post one.

Thank you.

Another busy girlfriend offered me flight tickets last month. To accompany her for a vacation. I really want to but I don't have time to do so.

Anyway, thank you.

I find that I am the kind of person people loves to bring with them almost everywhere. I wish I can maintain the momentum of reaching out for people around me.

I hope I give you guys happy vibes still.

What do you want to live for?

My writing sounds depressing. Perhaps it doesn't actually depict the real situation I'm in. But yeah, I am not in a good state.

What do you want to live for?
Why are you in this state?
Shouldn't you try to make it better?
Should you walk away?

John Lennon said his mother said that happiness is the key of life.

I want to be happy too.

--

It's been a lot while since the last time that I actually caught your presence in my dreams. There are these two (new ones) connected to you. But you're only in one of them, with me surrounded by your family. Last year, we were surrounded by my family. The latter one, I dreamed of someone who adores you a lot. Someone I came across twice. A girl.

30th January 2012

People come and go

Ada kawan yang sangat sibuk dengan kehidupannya tiba-tiba datang menyapa.

Sapaan yang bersambung-sambung walaupun aku tak beri banyak masa awalnya. You don't know how much it means to me.

Because this year alone I put so many people called friends in an envelope and put it away. Envelope so far, no more on the bedside for me to reach easily. You were included.

Thank you for the effort, girl. Thank you for still caring. For reaching out and let me know that even through your hectic schedule all these while, you're still there.

Because nowadays even the closest ones seems so far.

It felt like nobody is home. Not like it used to be.

So I guess people actually come and go and some did come back and some just leave forever or maybe I also prefer to leave people too nowadays.

Agitated

Ada perasaan lain mula timbul bila aku berada dalam kelompok kawan yang digemari.

Mungkin cuma aku yang berperasaan kurang selamat. Or everyone starts feeling insecure about everybody. Atau kehidupan yang semakin menggigit, menelan ketenangan yang kami kongsi sebelum ini.

Yeah, I don't want to blame them or myself.

I am either being the outspoken one or the reserved one in conversations.

I hate this situation. Too awkward.