You just have to do what you have to do

You also have a choice.

To do what you want to do.
To do what you need to do.
To do what you're asked to do.
To do what you're obligated to do.

In the end, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Breathe, stay alive.

Take care of your living heart.
Take care of your dying heart.

Live.
Live life to the fullest.

There are so many things to enjoy and cherish and be grateful about.

Complain. Complain all you want.
Then, think.

As long as you keep being rational.
As long as you keep coming home, you gonna be just fine.

You gonna be just fine doing what you gotta do.
Keep going.

Blood-related people in my life are super-duper important to me

Mungkin ada di antara kamu yang tidak rapat dengan adik-beradik dan sebagainya. Jadi, untuk pemberian Tuhan yang ini, aku sangat beruntung sebenarnya.

Kami tak pernah bergaduh besar. Perselisihan faham kecil itu normal, dan itu pun aku tak boleh nak ingat bila dan apa yang berlaku.

Paling sama, kami semua kalau ketawa memang gelak besar. Dan ya nafsu makan dan perut kami juga besar. Diselit dengan kebolehan rajin memasak jadi segalanya jadi begitu mudah. Lagi-lagi bila semua berkumpul. Macam raya aidilfitri yang baru lepas.

Hubungan kami ini, ialah harta peninggalan arwah mak paling syurga.

Support system

My breath was heavy. Messy life. Sleep is the only option I have. I don't even dream. I just sleep. And wake up just to sleep again. I only function when people ask something from me. To run some errands, to accompany them to shop or eat, to do whatever things for them, I live for that for months because I lost my support system. No I don't really lose it. It just decided to drift away.

I must have died a few times.

June, 2016.

To ignore is just not a common trait for a me

I lost a big part of me. Fought for it but no point. After months of numbness, now I felt as if those portion that decided to leave me, are just pieces I don't really need anymore. Perhaps it's just my brain doing the trick, to survive without them. Because deep inside I still miss everything. Every shared laughter and stories. Every silence shared too.

Everything.

It is pretty interesting how human do it. Adapting to environment that we never thought we could survive. It is not just about time and space though. Your willpower plays some important roles too.

I never have the courage of leaving. I could not even throw away my toys from 20 years ago. Or the t-shirts I love so much to wear to sleep because it's so comfortable for years even if it's torn here and there.

I am usually attached to everything. And affected by everything.

But I have now mastered the art of ignoring.
Thank you.

Exaggerated awesomeness

So true. Not that awesome anymore.

I'll be back.

Ramadhan Kareem

Dear God, hold my hand.

Dear angels, wake me up gently.

Dear family, thank you for this ties. You guys are the best support system I could ask for. Plus some friends who understands how I function and stay.

Count your blessings. Fight harder.

Kita semua cuma hamba yang berkali-kali diberi peluang untuk menikmati apa yang dihidangkanNya. Stay calm. 

Unwanted

The worst feeling ever.

Fuck you.

I guess bitches are all just scared people putting on too much of defense mechanism. Assholes too. That's just how they function.

Keep respecting people who deserve your respect.
Be kind and kinder.

Kinder bueno would definitely calm me right now.

Carousell and scammers

I had to letgo a large amount of my favourite things. But well, I guess items can be replaced once I get to be stable again. 

Come and browse what I'll selling here. I can assure you everything is genuine. Either bought in boutiques or outlets. Some are from my humble collections (yet to be uploaded) and some are bought with the idea of selling back then.

Check it out: carousell.com/annayaacob

If after browsing you happened to fall into buying from somebody else, just keep in mind that there are a lot of scammers as buyers and sellers. Found two scamming buyers in a week of being on Carousell. Just be carefull and take your time. Ask for opinions. Check out their accounts and trust your instinct.

Have fun shopping and perhaps start selling your items too!

Invisible

Seems like everything is changing. I'm not okay with it but I guess I'll be fine.

If this is for the better I just have to cope with it.

*putting on invisibility cloak over myself*

Journey

I've been sleeping like a mad man. Though I wonder would a mad man be sleeping like me? Life is okay. The toughest part lies inside me.

Where am I going from here?

Predictions

Life is a roller coaster and I am at the starting point again. Just need to take another 5 minute walk and grab some coffee.

I am reaching for some lights. May it lighten the path I'm taking.

Being parent

I hope Ayah and Umi feel good to have me around. Even for a short while. Because I feel good being here. Safer. Much more secure.

The fact that I do feel restless looking after my nieces and nephews from time to time, I wonder how parents do it.

Happy parent's day to Umi and Ayah. The siblings. And of course you Mak :)

Nobody likes you when you're screwed

Some people will get so surprised to see the dark and stressful side of you they tend to pack their bags and leave.

Life goes on.

Don't die yet

We're all a bunch of weird individuals who need to survive and live.

Stay safe.

The reason why

UBecause I feel unwanted.
Because I think you guys deserve better, and I too deserve better.

Because the timing is wrong. We may end of hurting each other or lying about our feelings toward each other. And I don't have the ability to fake it. 

Because I find that nobody likes to be around a troubled me. When I just need you people to exist and act like I existed too.

Because it sucks to go on like that. As a safe option. 
Not because you really want to keep the circle like you mean it.

Because naturally human just want to feel secure. 
Protected. 

We're all a bunch of weird individuals who need to survive and live. 

Happy, no? Just breathe. 
We may cross our path again. Perhaps with better storyline.

050516

Numbered

1. Seems like ignoring people is not my thing. The more I try to retreat, the more I suffer.

2. My curiosity about other beings I care about kills me. If cats die figuring things out, I may die not knowing it all.

3. I am eating and sleeping well. Already lost 4kg. A lot more to lose. A slow progress is a good thing I hope I can develop and maintain a healthy lifestyle.

4. I really love being alone these days. Though I'm worried this environment would change me into somebody I won't recognise. 

5. Coming back from Manchester at the end of 2014 I was depressed for some months when the house doesn't feel like home anymore; it felt so empty.

6. These days I am just spending a little more time, reconstructing what I am capable of in order for it to feel homey again. Praying it works.

7. I hate it when I get so serious in my relationship with people. 

8. I hate my ability to read people around me. I hate to realise things are different and people no longer shares the same interests or showing interest anymore. 

9. What am I supposed to do when I really felt so low. Yet those I looked up to didn't reached out a little longer. I am sorry I lost my confidence.

10. Stupid adult life. We spent our time and money investing on the wrong thing. We get so worked out then left with nothing to stay happy and content. Feelings don't last? Heh.

And at number 11, I would like to apologise for being like this. We're all the conclusion of the choices we took and the opportunities we left behind. 

When the clock ticks 12, everything should turn out fine. Hope so.

I wonder if love exists

John Lennon must be fucking disappointed with everything that he started imagining all the great things with only love left.

And he just want to be happy.

Disappointment

When people told you that you disappoint them, just tell them they have been disappointing you years back. You just kept quiet about it.

Yeah. No I told not a single soul yet.

Ada teman yang bilang jangan pergi tinggalkan dia

Tapi nampaknya aku yang ditinggalkan sendirian. Diam. Tak bergerak. Menanti rapuh ditelan waktu.

Home

1. I thought I have done my best. But turned out no I did not.

2. Friends come and go. I can't believe people would actually leave though.

3. I miss the young girl who only knows how to chat on YM when she used the Internet years back. Oh and play Literati on Yahoo Games before adding nice ones on her YM list. That was more than 15years ago. It was genuinely fun.

4. Seems like I started missing all the good pieces again. I don't know how to patch things up again. But I'll try harder to get the best of it.

5. Sorry for disappointing almost everybody. I guess in life we can only satisfy certain people at a time. That sucks.

6. I almost did not recognize myself anymore. It hurts yet I'm numb.

7. Dear God, hug me please.

8. I miss everybody. I wish I'm back in Manchester. Relationship seems quite easy when I was there. And I don't mind having the struggle there because only I matter. Others are good to go with just a piece of me.

9. Life as an adult is hard. I think my heart is a little calmer. I felt like crying all of a sudden.

10. I want to go home. I need a home.


Ayah

Aku tak punya hubungan yang normal dengan Ayah. Sejak Mak tak ada, walau kelihatan serapat segembira mana pun aku bila meluangkan masa dengan Ayah, masing-masing ada diam yang cuma dimengerti Tuhan. Ada limitasi ruang dalam diri yang diisi dengan kata-kata tak berbalas dalam hati. Moga malaikat bantu mengangkat segala ini sebagai surat-surat doa kepada Tuhan. Kerana cuma Dia yang tahu apa sebenarnya makna Ayah untuk aku.

Selaku anak yang keras kepala, maafkan aku Ayah.

Jam 459pagi, 1 April 2016.

I haven't write in a while

My feelings are hard to describe. I can only say that I'm trying as much to just stay alive, be available to just anyone who needed me. Who reached to me. 

I don't know whether I can say I am at the lowest point of my life. A part of me wish this is supposed to be my lowest point. So that in the future I won't be having similar heaviness like this. 

My heart is currently numb. I wish I could just bleed and cry but I did not. It scares me to death. I wish I can feel the pain and just cry out loud.

Guess more entries are coming. I need to crawl out of this zone and do better. Feeling left out all over again.

Being 27 years old, issues that still bother me are:
1. Demand and expectations.
2. Efforts and frustration.
3. Willingness and responsibilities.

Sometimes I do really wonder why God created us with so many diversities. So many traits. It's so hard to understand even a person. I could even get lost trying to swim in my own thoughts. 

I wish I am less sensitive and less defensive too. I tend to blurted words like a river in texts and even on Twitter when my head feel like exploding. Not a good act really. I wish I am not the reason for you to feel stressful. I wish I can be kind to everyone. Fulfill everybody's expectations and demand. If only others take same kind of responsibilities and be willing to do the same. Lacking in efforts to some people or even me will only build up the frustration even more. From me to you. From you to me. 

If only being transparent mean world peace. Forgive me for being like this these days. I have my reasoning too. I'm trying to protect my conscience. I don't want to lose myself.

It's 0444, time to sleep. Long day tomorrow I'm driving to Temerloh for kambing and ikan patin at a friend's kenduri.

Paramount View Condo

Walaupun sekejap. Walaupun mulut sibuk bergosip. Walaupun pakcik guard datang pesan tak boleh pakai baju tshirt biasa untuk mandi. Walaupun kami angguk tapi teruskan sesi bergosip dalam air. Walaupun bergegas keluar bersiap nak shopping pula selepas itu, terima kasih.

Thanks for the session dear exhousemates. Semua dah sibuk dengan kehidupan masing-masing. Life is indeed a scary thing. Nak cari masa sesuai yang ramai lapang punya lah payah. 

Thank you tuan rumah yang menyediakan. Nanti kami lepak lagi.

27th on 22nd

Happy birthday dear self.

Cheer up.

Letters to You

1. Learning to be grateful with what I have.

2. Striving to be better than what I am.

3. Hoping to do more with what I can.

Bismillah.

- -

Should I become like what I had become again in the future, please slap me hard. Bring me back on the ground again.

Thank you for everything.
I mean it.

Jobless in 2 months

Let's start with running again shall we?

On the other hand

My health is not pink!

Flu.
Headache.
Sore throat.
Sick.
A lil bit of allergy too.

I wish I'm jobless at phase like this.

Announcement

Bowling and swimming will be my monthly activities from now on. But since I also need to control my money flow, perhaps just swimming at friends' place would do.

Yes.

Swimming, chicken rice and bowling

Esok pagi nak swim! Sebenarnya aku nak pergi sorang je. Tapi sekarang dah ada 4 peserta nak ikut sama. Haha. Dari 3 kelompok kenalan yang berbeza.

Lepastu nak masak nasi ayam kat rumah seorang kawan yang berkongsi kelompok yang sama dengan salah seorang dari 4 orang tadi. Lol. Nak swim pun dekat rumah kawan ni juga. Ada kolam renang dekat apartment dia kat Bandar Seri Putra ni. Dia dah siap nak buat kek pisang dah untuk aku. Katanya sedap sebab dia buat beberapa hari lepas boleh habis dia makan sorang. Haha. Aku pun sibuk siap nak pergi lepak mandi kolam, nak masak rumah dia bawa kawan-kawan yang tak dikenali. Padahal dia ni dah kahwin ada anak. Janji dia happy aku datang. Hihihi.

Menyambung silaturahim ramai-ramai apa salahnya, kan? Aku percaya orang yang baik boleh duduk dengan orang-orang yang baik yang lain tanpa ada masalah.

Then nak pergi main boling kat Warta Bandar Baru Bangi sebab minggu lepas kawan yang sama ni juga duk promote cakap murah, murah! Aku dulu zaman satu game RM5 dekat KBMall pun aku main sampai 4 game sorang-sorang. Tu zaman sekolah yang tak ada duit sangat. Gian punya pasal. Macam kau gian rokok, sanggup berhabis juga, kan?

Saja tulis kat sini. Dah tak ada tempat nak cerita sangat dah. Semua orang sibuk. Aku pun dah malas nak beria sangat apa-apa. Mungkin aku dah hilang charm and magic untuk menenangkan semua orang, terutamanya orang-orang yang rapat dan dekat (dah jauh).

Nak ikut? Jomlah.

Aku perasan banyak betul soalan aku tabur kat atas ni. Cakap sorang-sorang pun jadi lah.

Aku tak laksanakan lagi aktiviti semua ni pun aku dah excited semacam. Kah kah kah. Stressful sangat ni.

Baru lepas hantar kawan ke KLIA pagi tadi. Had breakfast with another friend. And now I'm at the office. Memikirkan rasional atau tidak untuk berhenti melakukan perkara yang memberat, makan diri. Malam ni mungkin ambil orang lain pula di KLIA2. Ahad mungkin kena tolong hantar abang ipar ke KLIA. Dan Isnin nak ambil kawan yang pagi tadi balik pula. I should as well sign up as an Uber dirver.

Take care!

Sudah tak macam dulu

Pernah tak kau rasa macam sesuatu yang sangat buat kau susah hati? Rasa macam kau dah tak ada harapan nak terus. Rasa macam kalau kau tunggu lama sikit pun, tak ada guna. Tetap kau seorang nak kena cuba betulkan segala apa masalah yang melanda.

Dalam kau duk meraba dalam gelap berseorangan tu, ada-lah juga cahaya sipi-sipi tembus masuk. Tapi masih keadaan tu malap. Sekeliling kelam, sunyi. Kau menangis. Air mata kering kau menangis lagi. Sebab sebenarnya kalau kau cuba macam mana pun kau tahu yang benda ini tak akan menjadi lebih baik pun dalam masa terdekat. Kau letak usaha sepenuh hati pun, tapi kalau terpaksa itu suatu beban yang teruk, tak ada guna juga. 

Lebih parah jadi makan diri. Terjejas kesihatan tubuh badan. Terjejas hubungan dengan orang sekeliling. Manusia-manusia yang kau sayang. Manusia-manusia yang sayangkan kau. Kau kecewakan mereka dengan menjadi seorang yang lain. Sebenarnya kau bukan lain, cuma kau dalam keadaan tenat dan penat. Cuma tak ada yang betul peduli. Peduli pada tahap sanggup korbankan masa untuk cuba sembuhkan kau. Tak ada manusia yang meletakkan kau sebagai prioriti utama. Untuk sanggup menyelam dan mengubati diri kau.

Kau tahu hidup memang cuma sendiri-sendiri. Kau tahu sangat.

Ada sesuatu yang sudah meninggalkan kau. Kau boleh rasakannya kat dalam sini. Ada manusia-manusia kesayangan yang sudah pergi jauh sampaikan tidak lagi kau berkongsi frekuensi yang sama. Jadi jeritan kau sudah tiada guna bila tiada yang dapat mendengar jelas. Tidak pula ada usaha untuk mereka ini kembali berkongsi frekuensi sama. Walaupun kau sudah berjaya mengejar untuk ada di ruang sama beberapa kali. Tetap kau kembali di ruang yang diam, ruang yang kosong tidak berpenghuni. Macam aku cakap tadi, kebanyakan kita sudah ditelan kesibukan hidup yang memberat. Bukan salah sesiapa. Salah keadaan.

Dan salah kau sebab asyik meroyan. Walaupun sebenarnya kau betul-betul punya tekanan yang teruk. Tapi tahap kepedulian manusia-manusia sekeliling yang turut sibuk dan punya tekanan masing-masing, sudah tidak seperti dahulu.

Kau cuma ada Tuhan. Ini saja yang kau kena ingat.

12012016

I cannot sleep

I end up updating my tasks, send emails and blabla.

What a life.

Dear stomach,
please be nice. Do not let me be in pain for the whole week again.

I will wait for you

Ada kenangan yang aku gumpal lontar ke satu daerah lain. Tidaklah sebegitu jauh. Tidaklah pula daerah itu suatu tempat yang tidak elok. Aku masih memilih untuk menyimpan kenangan itu. Sudah cukup baik bukan? Atau keputusan ini bakal menghantui aku untuk beberapa tempoh akan datang.

So be it.

Yesterday I went to Midvalley. Had to change the G2000 shirt on behalf of boss for our client in Muar. Long story short, it took me 5 minutes to do it but it's 515pm. So of course I cannot just go out and drive home in heavy traffic.

Selepas buang masa menggelamun minum kopi mahal beserta roti sosej yang mahal juga berseorangan, aku rasa nak menangis. Pertama kali seumur hidup aku rasa tak senang duduk minum kopi sorang-sorang.

Something is lost somewhere. My heart cried so loud I couldn't even state what's the problem at all. Nothing precise I'm just screwed.

After the prayer, I walked around with no plan to do anything. Heard some noises and without realizing I was seating in front of the shop watching three guys having fun with the instruments. So yeah basically they knew I was there to watch them.

Dear Midvalley, thank you for putting stools in front of Rhapsody Valley. After an hour just watching and listening from outside, I drove home. Maybe next time I'll go in and say hi.

Maybe.

Oh the title is because I was listening to this when I started this post.
That's all.

Fight for me

Please.

I'm quitting. Bear with me.

Current

I screwed almost everything around me by feeling down and depressed. 

I must be too far from God.
Forgive me.

Let's chase the lights again.

Palpitation

Dear God, 

There're so much to ask. So much to be grateful of too. There're also so much to do and to accomplish. 

All year; I was a very stubborn person, a bit rebellious and super lazy. I know I'm not a good servant but I really want to look good and do good for You. 

There are cracks everywhere. And I don't know how to mend all the broken pieces at once. This tainted heart is not capable of magic anymore. I couldn't do a single spell right for people around me.

The moment when Ayah took my work namecard from my car and slipped it into his wallet; I cried. Because I really want to  quit that week. So I dropped that resigning mode and asked myself to stay a little longer. I put a mental note: "I can stop anytime I want" in order to survive.

So 2016, what do you have in plan for me to treasure this time? 

I really just want to be happy. To be content. Do what I really want to do and make a living out of it. 

May we be better.