Where am I going from here?
Journey
I've been sleeping like a mad man. Though I wonder would a mad man be sleeping like me? Life is okay. The toughest part lies inside me.
Predictions
Life is a roller coaster and I am at the starting point again. Just need to take another 5 minute walk and grab some coffee.
I am reaching for some lights. May it lighten the path I'm taking.
Being parent
I hope Ayah and Umi feel good to have me around. Even for a short while. Because I feel good being here. Safer. Much more secure.
The fact that I do feel restless looking after my nieces and nephews from time to time, I wonder how parents do it.
Happy parent's day to Umi and Ayah. The siblings. And of course you Mak :)
Nobody likes you when you're screwed
Some people will get so surprised to see the dark and stressful side of you they tend to pack their bags and leave.
Life goes on.
The reason why
Because I feel unwanted.
Because I think you guys deserve better, and I too deserve better.
Because the timing is wrong. We may end of hurting each other or lying about our feelings toward each other. And I don't have the ability to fake it.
Because I find that nobody likes to be around a troubled me. When I just need you people to exist and act like I existed too.
Because it sucks to go on like that. As a safe option.
Not because you really want to keep the circle like you mean it.
Because naturally human just want to feel secure.
Protected.
We're all a bunch of weird individuals who need to survive and live.
Happy, no? Just breathe.
We may cross our path again. Perhaps with better storyline.
050516
Numbered
1. Seems like ignoring people is not my thing. The more I try to retreat, the more I suffer.
2. My curiosity about other beings I care about kills me. If cats die figuring things out, I may die not knowing it all.
3. I am eating and sleeping well. Already lost 4kg. A lot more to lose. A slow progress is a good thing I hope I can develop and maintain a healthy lifestyle.
4. I really love being alone these days. Though I'm worried this environment would change me into somebody I won't recognise.
5. Coming back from Manchester at the end of 2014 I was depressed for some months when the house doesn't feel like home anymore; it felt so empty.
6. These days I am just spending a little more time, reconstructing what I am capable of in order for it to feel homey again. Praying it works.
7. I hate it when I get so serious in my relationship with people.
8. I hate my ability to read people around me. I hate to realise things are different and people no longer shares the same interests or showing interest anymore.
9. What am I supposed to do when I really felt so low. Yet those I looked up to didn't reached out a little longer. I am sorry I lost my confidence.
10. Stupid adult life. We spent our time and money investing on the wrong thing. We get so worked out then left with nothing to stay happy and content. Feelings don't last? Heh.
And at number 11, I would like to apologise for being like this. We're all the conclusion of the choices we took and the opportunities we left behind.
When the clock ticks 12, everything should turn out fine. Hope so.
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