Shutting people away is sometimes a fun thing to do. I don't get to face all the world issues except mine. However, not even deep down I also know that I will need few selected people around me as something to hold on to. Else I can just disappear.
I know I need to find my focus point and start from there. But I just couldn't bring myself to do anything. Only routine ones work. I believe this is also a side effect of me not being able to do what I desire. To chase the truth and clear whatever assumptions there are. It is clearly eating my insides and my conscience. But I am also powerless. I just have to admit it and move on.
I long for so many things right now but I keep failing to have them. So I am embracing life as it is. And life is taking me with it down into the sea.
I don't think I need to fight the flow for a while. I will just let myself be.
I will be okay. This is not a reset button. It's a just a pause. But resetting doesn't sound like a bad idea. Maybe I should really cut my hair short and try to breathe again. Maybe I should start my running routine again. Maybe just maybe, I should put a pause to all the maybe too and start doing and making them, step by step.
I know I messed up real good this time. But I will survive. Just allow me to die for a while. It won't take long.
If you're able to reach me during this moment, please grab my hand. As much as I want to be alone, I am also craving for good interactions and I appreciate every single moment shared. Once I get to run and fly again, we may not have the chances and opportunities much if I woke up being someone new, whom I may not be able to recognise myself.
Everything taste bitter. I don't know if I actually just don't want to wake up anymore, or I am just super tired.
I wrote the above last week. This week, it's time to hustle. So, till then. Let's see how far can I push myself this time.
