In the mean time

1.There's a lot of thinking going on. I am not in my super health condition. Nothing serious (I believe). Recovering already from the sore throat. Body felt better too. More on needing rest.

2. I don't want to have too many interaction with other beings anymore. But at the same time, there is a demand for me to contribute to the universe and humanity. This is just me trying to add worth to myself.

3. I hate asking people for opinions. However, there's always a space to learn and you learn faster from a group of brains. So that's a good reason to discuss on things.

4. There's a lot of thinking going on. Do I just move along or should I stay in the loop? I don't even know what's worse anymore. Both ways will cause pain to my heart. Unless there's a definite goal being set. Something to hold on to.

5. I am stuck and drowning. And I don't want help. I want to sleep whole day, every day just to curse about the heaviness. I just want to embrace this mundaneness. I mean at least for now. I perfectly understand that I should not be a burden to others. Just for a while. Let me drown.

6. I was rarely direct with my feelings. But I have been very direct with this someone. However I may only bring more baggages to the person's already complicated situation. It's making me sad to have thoughts thinking if I should just be a temporary stop.

7. I want to have coffee so bad but my anxiety is killing me. Now I have tea and just swallow the bitterness of my life with it. It kinda works too. Let's see how long can this be maintained. I'm guessing three days max. Or maybe just one.

8. I am not okay. I want to be okay to be able to support myself again. I want to be okay to be able to support and lift others around me again. But my wanting is not strong enough. Life beats me harder than that.

9. I miss home. Now I don't have one to myself.

Learning to letgo of something I should not walk away from

Bismillah.

May Allah ease everything.

Syndrome and occasion

1. We keep learning and adding knowledge to oneself, but sometimes we failed to find the true essence of keeping things together. To look at things as a whole instead of just a pinch of the situation.

2. Sometimes I deliberately want to be alone. Just me. So that the ghosts of the pasts would come and visit me in my dreams. A little getaway I call it. It can be good, it can be bad. Depends.

3. Life was hard for the past 2 months. Unthinkable situation that I was not expecting to ever experienced in my whole life; this short humble life I own.

4. An old flame came for a very short visit into my mind. Like a touch of an angel. I hope all is well.

5. The person I put dear to heart and mind for around a year kind of no longer exist. Used to be like chipsmore, now just a flicker of light. Waiting to die, repaired or replaced. It must have been just me from the start.

6. A new person came to give light to my life. Unattainable one. Complicated algorithm to fix, to set in. I'm embracing greediness but there were so many limitations that keep me grounded. I need to stay calm.

7. Seems like I underestimated myself and was not controlling every expect very well at all times. I must have let my guard down and fail to calculate every single details before taking the steps. Many regrets to endure now.

8. I am used to the withdrawal for caffeine. Sometimes I'm able to skip my daily coffee intake and succeeded. Some other days, I couldn't resist drinking it 2-3 cups or more. But I have learned how to cope with it when I can't have it. I get the ways to manage it differently.

9. Nowadays I had to brave myself to adapt to many new other things and situation. Most of the times I failed to face them and I feel down many more times longer. I hate myself for this.

10. To learn the art of letting it go. Because I might had to face some withdrawal permanently due to many uncertainties. I might start to train myself to stay composed by chopping my hair off soon. Because temporary things can be replaced. I just refused to face it and believe in it.

11. God must have spent more time on me these days that He kept tugging at my heart many times in a day. However I am still anxious 24/7 and kind of drown in my dark thoughts most of the time. Don't let go of my hand yet, Most Gracious.

12. The poem Dian Sastrowardoyo recited in AADC lingers the whole day in me today. Also some of other songs I have now memorize.

13. I am becoming so good at pretending and hiding my thoughts and feelings. Truth is I am really not okay and actually get pissed off easily with myself. SOS, send help.

14. Gonna cry myself to sleep. Good night.