Unsettled business

Setiap kali bertemu wajah dengan kawan-kawan mak, aku jadi panik sikit. Risau untuk penampilan serta gerak-geri aku dibaca dan aku tak memenuhi etika sebagai seorang anak mak.

Mak adalah roh dan jasad yang sempurna ketika hidupnya.

One of her bestie datang rumah beraya tengah hari kelmarin bawa anak-anak dan cucu-cucu. Jumpa once in a while tapi setiap kalinya macam baru jumpa je. Konversasi tak pernah kekok.

Lepas makan-makan, kami bersembang kat ruang tengah. She was talking to me and brother. Talking about cakes and childhood memories. Out of a sudden, she broke into tears. She hold my hand so I hold her back and leaned closer.

"I tak boleh sebenarnya. Tengok you guys semua macam ni."

"Aunty sedih. Dah lama I tahan ni. I have an unfinished business with her. Your mom. We made plans. Lots of them. We were planning to do a lot of things together. I cakap dengan dia pasal pencen, travel and stuff. I sedih sangat."

"A week before she went, we had lunch together. Masa tu kat KL. A day later I had to attend this meeting. Bila I balik, I switch on my phone I dapat banyak mesej from aunty c and missed calls. Turn out that same time I baru touchdown, your mom dah masuk boarding untuk balik KB. Dulu kan airport tempat sama je biasa. And that's it."

"I regretted not following her back. Few days later, the friends were updating that your mom dah lemah kat hospital. And then that 4th July, at 5am your sister texted me the news."

She continued crying and sobbing and covered her face with the pillow a few times. And then later someone passed by us and the topic was closed. She's back looking tough and strong.

Sebelum bersurai, aunty bebel kat aku cakap kenapa tak datang rumah selalu untuk nasi dan budu masa kat Bangi. Sekali je kita jumpa, katanya. Aku senyum je.

Kalau boleh aku nak je cakap kat aunty tadi, the same reason aunty rasa sebak bila tengok kami anak-anak dan jadi teringat kat arwah, sebab yang sama juga lah yang buat saya mengelak untuk pergi melepak rumah aunty selalu tahun-tahun sudah. Pertemuan satu malam tu dah cukup untuk aku simpan dalam kotak memori yang takkan luput.

I saw her in you. All the time, aunty. All the time.

So yes aunty, I'm sorry it hurts for you too.

090813

3 comments:

karinontheshore said...

every old man I see reminds me of my father


izas said...

*hugs*

i may not know that feeling yet, so cannot fully understand what you feel. moga hati awak tetap kukuh untuk hari-hari depan.

Pisey said...

(':