I wonder if love exists

John Lennon must be fucking disappointed with everything that he started imagining all the great things with only love left.

And he just want to be happy.

Disappointment

When people told you that you disappoint them, just tell them they have been disappointing you years back. You just kept quiet about it.

Yeah. No I told not a single soul yet.

Ada teman yang bilang jangan pergi tinggalkan dia

Tapi nampaknya aku yang ditinggalkan sendirian. Diam. Tak bergerak. Menanti rapuh ditelan waktu.

Home

1. I thought I have done my best. But turned out no I did not.

2. Friends come and go. I can't believe people would actually leave though.

3. I miss the young girl who only knows how to chat on YM when she used the Internet years back. Oh and play Literati on Yahoo Games before adding nice ones on her YM list. That was more than 15years ago. It was genuinely fun.

4. Seems like I started missing all the good pieces again. I don't know how to patch things up again. But I'll try harder to get the best of it.

5. Sorry for disappointing almost everybody. I guess in life we can only satisfy certain people at a time. That sucks.

6. I almost did not recognize myself anymore. It hurts yet I'm numb.

7. Dear God, hug me please.

8. I miss everybody. I wish I'm back in Manchester. Relationship seems quite easy when I was there. And I don't mind having the struggle there because only I matter. Others are good to go with just a piece of me.

9. Life as an adult is hard. I think my heart is a little calmer. I felt like crying all of a sudden.

10. I want to go home. I need a home.

Ayah

Aku tak punya hubungan yang normal dengan Ayah. Sejak Mak tak ada, walau kelihatan serapat segembira mana pun aku bila meluangkan masa dengan Ayah, masing-masing ada diam yang cuma dimengerti Tuhan. Ada limitasi ruang dalam diri yang diisi dengan kata-kata tak berbalas dalam hati. Moga malaikat bantu mengangkat segala ini sebagai surat-surat doa kepada Tuhan. Kerana cuma Dia yang tahu apa sebenarnya makna Ayah untuk aku.

Selaku anak yang keras kepala, maafkan aku Ayah.

Jam 459pagi, 1 April 2016.

I haven't write in a while

My feelings are hard to describe. I can only say that I'm trying as much to just stay alive, be available to just anyone who needed me. Who reached to me. 

I don't know whether I can say I am at the lowest point of my life. A part of me wish this is supposed to be my lowest point. So that in the future I won't be having similar heaviness like this. 

My heart is currently numb. I wish I could just bleed and cry but I did not. It scares me to death. I wish I can feel the pain and just cry out loud.

Guess more entries are coming. I need to crawl out of this zone and do better. Feeling left out all over again.

Being 27 years old, issues that still bother me are:

1. Demand and expectations.

2. Efforts and frustration.

3. Willingness and responsibilities.

Sometimes I do really wonder why God created us with so many diversities. So many traits. It's so hard to understand even a person. I could even get lost trying to swim in my own thoughts. 

I wish I am less sensitive and less defensive too. I tend to blurted words like a river in texts and even on Twitter when my head feel like exploding. Not a good act really. I wish I am not the reason for you to feel stressful. I wish I can be kind to everyone. Fulfill everybody's expectations and demand. If only others take same kind of responsibilities and be willing to do the same. Lacking in efforts to some people or even me will only build up the frustration even more. From me to you. From you to me. 

If only being transparent mean world peace. Forgive me for being like this these days. I have my reasoning too. I'm trying to protect my conscience. I don't want to lose myself.

It's 0444, time to sleep. Long day tomorrow I'm driving to Temerloh for kambing and ikan patin at a friend's kenduri.