Note to self #2

To get back on the track-

I was trying hard. Really hard to cope myself.
I was closing every windows for the surrounding to reach me.

I broke my father's heart.

I shed my tears alone in my own serenade at night.

I was afraid that is for sure. Afraid that there in this giant world; still existed those killer who's gonna take each and every person I care about again and again.

I created my own world. My own space. The so called carefree one.

I limited and divided the area into many parts. So that I could feel safe inside. That no one could broke my heart.

I laughed a lot with friends. That's the only escapism I got back then.

I play a lot not giving second thoughts on my study.

I'm not good at dealing with the loss at that time. Acting childish like listed above. For death is near; lying unknown ahead. Today when I looked back, I could see the old me before mom's death. And I missed that person damn much. For she could meet the loving mother and stares into the eyes of the person she idolize most.

To smell her.
To hug her.

To tell her how much she misses every single things about her. For not once she felt bad when she was around. Never.

So then I learn to live by staying alive. For I; have surpassed my greatest loss. So every now and then if I felt fakap enough, I go tell myself to stay. To be well. Not go to hell.

Stay syazana stay.

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