Suddenly I remember a memory. Or should I say forgotten memories of a small me, slipping notes under my parent's bedroom door in the night when I forgot to tell them something. Or when I forgot to kiss them good night.
I miss me.
...
Ada perasaan kelam yang menenggelamkan.
Kabut ribut yang melanda hati, Tuhan saja yang tahu.
I learnt a few things for the past months.
To let go of people I adore by caring less, to let go of attachments to things I have.
It's hard. And I have regrets. Must let go of the regrets too.
I just cannot letgo of my burdened destructive self.
Quoting Luna;
'I need someone who can protect me. From me.'
Semoga kita-kita lebih gigih mendekati Tuhan hendaknya.
Kabut ribut yang melanda hati, Tuhan saja yang tahu.
I learnt a few things for the past months.
To let go of people I adore by caring less, to let go of attachments to things I have.
It's hard. And I have regrets. Must let go of the regrets too.
I just cannot letgo of my burdened destructive self.
Quoting Luna;
'I need someone who can protect me. From me.'
Semoga kita-kita lebih gigih mendekati Tuhan hendaknya.
20151227
'I don't hate the job.
I'm just not capable of handling the pressure very well.
Pardon me for being emotional.
I don't let go of things easily.
I hate that part of me.
I state all the feelings to people I care about when I feel like saying it.
Turns out telling the truth is not the right way in some situation.
I am sorry for hurting you guys with my over thinking.
I just want things to be good.
And for moments spent to be special, not awkward.
I am such a weirdo.
Yeah I think too much again.
Sorry.
Maybe I changed. Maybe I'm too depressed it shows.
Or maybe I don't progress, hence I was left behind.
Should I die anytime soon, please remember me as someone who laugh out loud almost all the time. The cheerful one. The caring one. The one who eats a lot. The one you guys used to give a special place in your heart and mind.
Thanks.'
I'm just not capable of handling the pressure very well.
Pardon me for being emotional.
I don't let go of things easily.
I hate that part of me.
I state all the feelings to people I care about when I feel like saying it.
Turns out telling the truth is not the right way in some situation.
I am sorry for hurting you guys with my over thinking.
I just want things to be good.
And for moments spent to be special, not awkward.
I am such a weirdo.
Yeah I think too much again.
Sorry.
Maybe I changed. Maybe I'm too depressed it shows.
Or maybe I don't progress, hence I was left behind.
Should I die anytime soon, please remember me as someone who laugh out loud almost all the time. The cheerful one. The caring one. The one who eats a lot. The one you guys used to give a special place in your heart and mind.
Thanks.'
KUL-KBR, KBR-KUL2
Esok awal pagi balik Kelantan. Lusa tengah hari dah turun KL balik.
Bukan boleh cakap
"Wah kayanya, pergi balik satu malam sahaja."
Tapi sebab tak mampu ambil cuti Jumaat dan Isnin macam kakak dan abang-abang ipar. Sorang lagi kakak dah memang masih dalam cuti bersalin. Budak-budak pula cuti sekolah. Diorang dah balik semalam. Aku home alone dua malam. Dua-dua rumah kosong.
Kalau ambil cuti dah jadi unpaid leave. Dahla nak beli tiket balik dah lebih seratus jumlah. Kalau kena tolak gaji pula, haru. It's the best option I have.
Lagipun sibuk bebenor office aku ni. We should be glad, kan?
Projek asyik masuk. Maintenance call tak berhenti. Semua ni duit masuk. Masalah company ni cuma orang tak cukup, workload memang boleh gila kalau ambil serius. Orang lain projek tak ada, pekerja terlebih sampai kena buang orang.
I am sorry to hear those yang kena buang kerja dengan notis 24jam. Semoga rezeki kalian Tuhan gandakan di kemudian hari untuk yang benar ikhlas berusaha.
Masih tak tahu siapa boleh hantar ke KLIA dan kutip aku di KLIA2 nanti ni. Kawan-kawan kegemaran ada hal lain. Keluarga pula semua di Kelantan.
Pfft. Lonely nya.
Tubuh aku masih penat dek perjalanan pergi balik Labuan untuk mesyuarat ringkas hari Rabu lepas. I need my sleep. Like seriously.
Bukan boleh cakap
"Wah kayanya, pergi balik satu malam sahaja."
Tapi sebab tak mampu ambil cuti Jumaat dan Isnin macam kakak dan abang-abang ipar. Sorang lagi kakak dah memang masih dalam cuti bersalin. Budak-budak pula cuti sekolah. Diorang dah balik semalam. Aku home alone dua malam. Dua-dua rumah kosong.
Kalau ambil cuti dah jadi unpaid leave. Dahla nak beli tiket balik dah lebih seratus jumlah. Kalau kena tolak gaji pula, haru. It's the best option I have.
Lagipun sibuk bebenor office aku ni. We should be glad, kan?
Projek asyik masuk. Maintenance call tak berhenti. Semua ni duit masuk. Masalah company ni cuma orang tak cukup, workload memang boleh gila kalau ambil serius. Orang lain projek tak ada, pekerja terlebih sampai kena buang orang.
I am sorry to hear those yang kena buang kerja dengan notis 24jam. Semoga rezeki kalian Tuhan gandakan di kemudian hari untuk yang benar ikhlas berusaha.
Masih tak tahu siapa boleh hantar ke KLIA dan kutip aku di KLIA2 nanti ni. Kawan-kawan kegemaran ada hal lain. Keluarga pula semua di Kelantan.
Pfft. Lonely nya.
Tubuh aku masih penat dek perjalanan pergi balik Labuan untuk mesyuarat ringkas hari Rabu lepas. I need my sleep. Like seriously.
Clash of Clans dan kegemukan
Aku perasan setiap kali aku main Clash of Clans, aku akan bagitahu clan members yang aku sedang makan, baru lepas makan ataupun kejap lagi nak makan.
Lepastu mengaku diri gemuk sebabtu taknak jumpa lepak dengan diorang.
Memang pun.
Lepastu mengaku diri gemuk sebabtu taknak jumpa lepak dengan diorang.
Memang pun.
6 months probation period
I should be glad it ended, no?
Heard most oil and gas company terminated their staffs with 24-hour notice.
It is that bad; I am sorry.
3 days break for the weekend since Friday is off day for Selangor. I believed I sleep for accumulated hours of a day and a half. I am such a brilliant person at procrastination and feeling depressed.
Be more grateful of your surrounding please.
Felt like my chosen circle of friends are no longer the same person they were. I must have changed too and they must felt the same about me.
Life is not all about rainbows, accept it.
Heard most oil and gas company terminated their staffs with 24-hour notice.
It is that bad; I am sorry.
3 days break for the weekend since Friday is off day for Selangor. I believed I sleep for accumulated hours of a day and a half. I am such a brilliant person at procrastination and feeling depressed.
Be more grateful of your surrounding please.
Felt like my chosen circle of friends are no longer the same person they were. I must have changed too and they must felt the same about me.
Life is not all about rainbows, accept it.
Terminal Tech TTDI Jaya
Walaupun saya berhenti main Clash of Clans sejak April lagi, ipad sebenarnya retak skrin bulan Mei lalu. Tapi akaun Clash of Clans masih aktif. My clan leader doesn't want me to quit hence been using the account on behalf. I don't know how he manage two big accounts at a time. But thank you :) even if he didn't play or manage it I also don't know. Hahaha.
Though I doubt my skill if I were to continue playing. Gulp.
Berbalik kepada ipad yang baru siap tukar skrin ni.
If you want to repair your gadgets please go to Terminal Tech, TTDI Jaya. Lokasi dia tingkat atas Mak Uda, TTDI Jaya. Both can be googled and you'll get the directions.
Harga tukar skrin ipad mini ni ialah RM350, took around 2 weeks untuk baiki dan buat testing etcetera. I asked around before dan ada kedai yang letak harga RM450 so dah tak fikir panjang terus ke sini. Kalau buat temujanji, ada percent discount :) anything just refer their FB.
Terminal Tech gave me 3 months warranty should my ipad screen didn't function as it supposed. Starts from today, 8th December 2015.
Now I cannot remember what I use my ipad for before other than play Clash of Clans. But I guess that's all I want to say. My longing towards Clash of Clans and the good service received from the gadget repair shop, Terminal Tech, TTDI Jaya.
My friends also went here; a friend changed his iphone 5s battery, another friend repaired her iphone 5 malfunction problem. Jadi kalau ada masalah, sila lah ke kedai ini. Level atas sekali ada gym untuk bakar kalori bina otot. Level bawah ada Restoran Mak Uda boleh lepak makan. Level yang sama ada surau yang sangat lapang untuk lelaki dan perempuan solat. Kemudahan bilik air juga ada di Mak Uda. Sebut pasal Mak Uda, makan pagi nasi dagang kat sini sangat puas hati. Kalau saya ulas lebih lagi, macam nak iklankan TTDI Jaya pula, hahaha. Psst, ada kedai nasi Kak Wok berdekatan.
Bukti ipad dah berfungsi ialah saya menaip entri ini dengan relaks. Haha. Saja nak merasa taip entri pakai ipad balik. Baru-lah santai menaip sambil baring. Santai tak santai dah panjang pula.
Thanks thanks!
Dabedibedu
Ada rajuk yang aku pendam. Simpan dalam sini (tunjuk hati).
Simpan sekejap. Simpan sikit-sikit tak mengapa.
Tapi kalau dah lama dan bertambah begini;
pedih juga.
Sendiri menangis sendiri pujuk sajalah.
Simpan sekejap. Simpan sikit-sikit tak mengapa.
Tapi kalau dah lama dan bertambah begini;
pedih juga.
Sendiri menangis sendiri pujuk sajalah.
..
I find that I get anxious even around people I'm familiar with these days.
Life is okay. Except that I'm counting my money. That's a harsh life to someone who doesn't want money to be a problem.
In order to feel less pressure about working, I took my job less seriously. Sounds like the only option I have at the moment and yeah finding myself hard to wake up in the morning.
Discussing about life plan with the girls; suddenly two of them mentioned about how mature I have become. Surprisingly to them I don't sound rational when I raged about resigning last September. Haha.
I still believe that everybody should act the way they want. As long as they're kind to one another. If you choose a different path, then just do it. I am collecting my courage and well, funds to do so.
Perhaps sharing my backup plan in details to people around me won't put me in a reasonable category, hence I keep that to myself.
Well, I only have myself after all :)
Hello December. Please be great.
Life is okay. Except that I'm counting my money. That's a harsh life to someone who doesn't want money to be a problem.
In order to feel less pressure about working, I took my job less seriously. Sounds like the only option I have at the moment and yeah finding myself hard to wake up in the morning.
Discussing about life plan with the girls; suddenly two of them mentioned about how mature I have become. Surprisingly to them I don't sound rational when I raged about resigning last September. Haha.
I still believe that everybody should act the way they want. As long as they're kind to one another. If you choose a different path, then just do it. I am collecting my courage and well, funds to do so.
Perhaps sharing my backup plan in details to people around me won't put me in a reasonable category, hence I keep that to myself.
Well, I only have myself after all :)
Hello December. Please be great.
Of helping and hoping to be helped
Kita tidak boleh sentiasa berharap untuk dibantu.
Kita juga tidak boleh sentiasa membantu.
I don't know.
Maybe sometimes if you feel like helping everybody, hence you expect people to do the same for you.
Though it's totally not the right thing to do. You keep hoping for the wrong thing.
Berharaplah cuma pada Tuhan.
He who Knows best.
Kita juga tidak boleh sentiasa membantu.
I don't know.
Maybe sometimes if you feel like helping everybody, hence you expect people to do the same for you.
Though it's totally not the right thing to do. You keep hoping for the wrong thing.
Berharaplah cuma pada Tuhan.
He who Knows best.
Food poisoning
Setiap kali sakit melanda, aku rasa seronok. Satu, dapat berehat. Dua, dapat berehat. Bukan nak cakap bila sihat ni tak cukup rehat, cuma kadang-kadang sakit yang Tuhan datangkan tu sesuai dan kena pada masa dan keadaan. Buat aku bersyukur lebih. Ruang untuk berfikir.
Ahad lepas makan bihun kari di Teh Tarik Place, Paradigm Mall. Sebelum tu aku makan lauk kenduri di Rooftop Garden Hotel, Bukit Jelutong. Aku tak rasa lauk kenduri yang sebabkan aku sakit perut. Sebab berpuluh-puluh kawan aku yang datang bersama makan hidangan semua sihat walafiat.
Berbalik kepada bihun kari tadi. Aku tak pernah makan bihun kari sebelum ni. Dan aku dalam keadaan tak berselera. Jadi bila suapan pertama aku rasa tak sedap, aku tak endahkan deria rasa aku. Aku makan lagi. Makan 3-4 suapan. Aku komen tak sedap. Tak sedap sampai tahap aku tak tahu macam mana nak betulkan masakan kari ni. Kawan-kawan lain semua hadap nasi lemak dan nasi kerabu masing-masing. Aku tak dapat habiskan bihun kari tersebut. Silapnya aku paksa makan sampai hampir separuh. Haha. Spesis dah bayar, ini rezeki, sila makan. Aku salahkan hormon wanita yang tidak stabil waktu tu. Period hari pertama. Mungkin sebab tu aku tak ada selera. Positif sangat.
Isnin, 450am bangun macam nak pergi lumba lari. Cuma aku berlari turun katil sorang-sorang tanpa peserta lain. Sejam bermastautin dalam bilik air. Sampai nak tertidur. Usai urusan tentulah aku tidur. Bangun balik dah jam 8am. Buka Whatsapp dan tinggalkan mesej cakap aku MC pada teman-teman sekerja dan bos-bos. Tidur balik lepas ke bilik air.
Pertama kali nak ke klinik pun sampai kena berhenti di Petronas untuk gunakan bilik air. Haha. Inilah sebab aku suka tidur sampai ke petang bila kena bab sakit perut ni. Dah habis rehat baru pergi klinik. Nasib kakak yang tolong bawa aku ke hulu hilir. Jadi tak mengapalah. Asal tak ada kesesakan lalu lintas. Sebab cuaca panas atau apa-apa yang boleh buat aku panik boleh beri kesan pada sakit perut yang dialami.
Doktor tanya dah makan apa pagi ni? Aku geleng senyum. Tengah hari dah makan? Aku jawab lepas ni. Dia pun tak tanya banyak. Haha. Nasib tak kena marah. Aku dahla ada gastrik. Tapi memang keracunan makanan macam ni potong selera. Aktiviti ke bilik air terakhir berlangsung lebih kurang jam 1130pm hari tersebut.
Aku cuma boleh cakap. Ubat tahan muntah yang kena telan sebelum makan ni memang mujarab. Kalau tak makan, memang aku rasa nak muntah balik lepas makan.
Sekian, laporan daripada saya, mangsa keracunan makanan.
Ahad lepas makan bihun kari di Teh Tarik Place, Paradigm Mall. Sebelum tu aku makan lauk kenduri di Rooftop Garden Hotel, Bukit Jelutong. Aku tak rasa lauk kenduri yang sebabkan aku sakit perut. Sebab berpuluh-puluh kawan aku yang datang bersama makan hidangan semua sihat walafiat.
Berbalik kepada bihun kari tadi. Aku tak pernah makan bihun kari sebelum ni. Dan aku dalam keadaan tak berselera. Jadi bila suapan pertama aku rasa tak sedap, aku tak endahkan deria rasa aku. Aku makan lagi. Makan 3-4 suapan. Aku komen tak sedap. Tak sedap sampai tahap aku tak tahu macam mana nak betulkan masakan kari ni. Kawan-kawan lain semua hadap nasi lemak dan nasi kerabu masing-masing. Aku tak dapat habiskan bihun kari tersebut. Silapnya aku paksa makan sampai hampir separuh. Haha. Spesis dah bayar, ini rezeki, sila makan. Aku salahkan hormon wanita yang tidak stabil waktu tu. Period hari pertama. Mungkin sebab tu aku tak ada selera. Positif sangat.
Isnin, 450am bangun macam nak pergi lumba lari. Cuma aku berlari turun katil sorang-sorang tanpa peserta lain. Sejam bermastautin dalam bilik air. Sampai nak tertidur. Usai urusan tentulah aku tidur. Bangun balik dah jam 8am. Buka Whatsapp dan tinggalkan mesej cakap aku MC pada teman-teman sekerja dan bos-bos. Tidur balik lepas ke bilik air.
Pertama kali nak ke klinik pun sampai kena berhenti di Petronas untuk gunakan bilik air. Haha. Inilah sebab aku suka tidur sampai ke petang bila kena bab sakit perut ni. Dah habis rehat baru pergi klinik. Nasib kakak yang tolong bawa aku ke hulu hilir. Jadi tak mengapalah. Asal tak ada kesesakan lalu lintas. Sebab cuaca panas atau apa-apa yang boleh buat aku panik boleh beri kesan pada sakit perut yang dialami.
Doktor tanya dah makan apa pagi ni? Aku geleng senyum. Tengah hari dah makan? Aku jawab lepas ni. Dia pun tak tanya banyak. Haha. Nasib tak kena marah. Aku dahla ada gastrik. Tapi memang keracunan makanan macam ni potong selera. Aktiviti ke bilik air terakhir berlangsung lebih kurang jam 1130pm hari tersebut.
Aku cuma boleh cakap. Ubat tahan muntah yang kena telan sebelum makan ni memang mujarab. Kalau tak makan, memang aku rasa nak muntah balik lepas makan.
Sekian, laporan daripada saya, mangsa keracunan makanan.
If you may ask me why
Money matters so much these days.
1. Haji registration with Tabung Haji (TH). To contribute monthly in the TH account.
3. To contribute monthly in ASNB account.
4. To pay zakat by end of the year from investment and savings account.
5. To buy gold for personal collection. Should this exceed that amount for collection where I have to pay zakat for it, I am obliged to pay too.
6. I want to buy a house. Small or big. As long as I can live with it.
7. To survive number 6, I need to be stable enough to feed myself well.
8. I need good coffee time with friends from time to time. This is quite costly now that I think of it.
9. I don't want to be a burden. I want to survive.
10. I just want to live.
Most of all, I need to pay Ayah for the car deposit he gave. Also I want to contribute monthly to him as well. In order to do all stated above, I need to have a stable income.
But, everything has a but. And butt as well, haha. I don't want to do things I have no passion in.
Umi is not doing very good. She's fighting well though. Going through physiotherapy exercises for her easily cramped leg. I wish I can be near them. Or be able to go back whenever I want to or when I need to.
I want to be flexible. Do what I want. Do what I need. Gain money for my skills and talents. Be able to calmly talk about it. Dream about it. Sleep with it.
So, if you may ask me why?
I just want to live.
1. Haji registration with Tabung Haji (TH). To contribute monthly in the TH account.
3. To contribute monthly in ASNB account.
4. To pay zakat by end of the year from investment and savings account.
5. To buy gold for personal collection. Should this exceed that amount for collection where I have to pay zakat for it, I am obliged to pay too.
6. I want to buy a house. Small or big. As long as I can live with it.
7. To survive number 6, I need to be stable enough to feed myself well.
8. I need good coffee time with friends from time to time. This is quite costly now that I think of it.
9. I don't want to be a burden. I want to survive.
10. I just want to live.
Most of all, I need to pay Ayah for the car deposit he gave. Also I want to contribute monthly to him as well. In order to do all stated above, I need to have a stable income.
But, everything has a but. And butt as well, haha. I don't want to do things I have no passion in.
Umi is not doing very good. She's fighting well though. Going through physiotherapy exercises for her easily cramped leg. I wish I can be near them. Or be able to go back whenever I want to or when I need to.
I want to be flexible. Do what I want. Do what I need. Gain money for my skills and talents. Be able to calmly talk about it. Dream about it. Sleep with it.
So, if you may ask me why?
I just want to live.
Even if there is nobody to catch me, I will be okay
First, you were born to be awesome. Always remember that.
Second, revise the first point again.
Third, even when you don't want money to be a problem, you still need to work and earn money to live. Even if you think money is not everything, it's one very important measure to survive.
Fourth, never lose your awesome-ness.
Fifth, chill. If you need a break then go take a break.
Second, revise the first point again.
Third, even when you don't want money to be a problem, you still need to work and earn money to live. Even if you think money is not everything, it's one very important measure to survive.
Fourth, never lose your awesome-ness.
Fifth, chill. If you need a break then go take a break.
Key point to remember
I have the urge to write almost 24/7. Maybe I should just be a writer.
These days I sleep a lot. Even when I had enough sleep, I will still want to continue sleeping.
I noticed that people don't really know how to handle me when I show them my weakness. I don't know how to handle me too.
Well, your life your choice lah.
Do whatever you want when you feel like it.
If I have to fall now and nobody is there to catch me, why not.
These days I sleep a lot. Even when I had enough sleep, I will still want to continue sleeping.
I noticed that people don't really know how to handle me when I show them my weakness. I don't know how to handle me too.
Well, your life your choice lah.
Do whatever you want when you feel like it.
If I have to fall now and nobody is there to catch me, why not.
Pakcik naik motosikal kena langgar
Pagi-pagi dah rasa nak nangis tengok serpihan motosikal pakcik bersepah kat jalan raya.
Kereta VW putih tu boleh kemek bahagian depan sisi kanan. Motosikal pakcik tentulah berkecai.
Tak tahu salah siapa. I was minutes away when the accident took place.
Muka pakcik nampak runsing sambil berjalan perlahan kat bahu jalan.
Harap pakcik okay.
Pagi ni juga Arra cakap nampak kucing kena langgar sedang nazak kat tengah-tengah cabang empat. Dia takut kucing. Tapi dia sedih sebab kesian kat kucing tu. Dia pun tak mampu nak pergi kutip ambil.
Bersyukurlah dengan nikmat-nitmat yang ada. Nyawa ni sekejap je Tuhan boleh ambil balik.
Kereta VW putih tu boleh kemek bahagian depan sisi kanan. Motosikal pakcik tentulah berkecai.
Tak tahu salah siapa. I was minutes away when the accident took place.
Muka pakcik nampak runsing sambil berjalan perlahan kat bahu jalan.
Harap pakcik okay.
Pagi ni juga Arra cakap nampak kucing kena langgar sedang nazak kat tengah-tengah cabang empat. Dia takut kucing. Tapi dia sedih sebab kesian kat kucing tu. Dia pun tak mampu nak pergi kutip ambil.
Bersyukurlah dengan nikmat-nitmat yang ada. Nyawa ni sekejap je Tuhan boleh ambil balik.
Traumatized
Well, where to start? I have claustrophia.
Sometimes I have to control my breath well in order to ride an airplane. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all. Maybe to the fact that I slept continuosly from Kuala Lumpur to Abu Dhabi to Manchester once.
Simply say, I have be safe or feel safe. I cannot feel trapped. Even being in this office environment with no visible windows kind of drowned me a bit. I took time to adapt and get familiar with the area.
Last week I went eating with friends at a restaurant. We had to sit at first floor since ground ones were full of people. But upstairs were also packed and loud. I have to calm myself from thinking that the only exit down is the staircase in order to continue eating.
I may not show or tell, but sometimes it was that bad.
And I developed anxiety issues from time to time. I don't handle pressure well. So yeah I can get panic out of the blue when I am alone.
So to top all of these, I got into an accident last Tuesday. Luckily not alone; with a colleague as my co driver. They were only scrapes and scratches on the body of my car. But I can still see the image of the black car on my right hand side bumped into my car.
The scar it left on the car may not be much, but I find it hard to let go.
Wednesday morning I was trapped in a traffic jam on my way to work. And the feeling was horrible. It's just me. This shall pass.
What do people usually say?
It's all in your head.
Thank you for the prayers. I am physically fine.
Dear God, please take care of me.
Sometimes I have to control my breath well in order to ride an airplane. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all. Maybe to the fact that I slept continuosly from Kuala Lumpur to Abu Dhabi to Manchester once.
Simply say, I have be safe or feel safe. I cannot feel trapped. Even being in this office environment with no visible windows kind of drowned me a bit. I took time to adapt and get familiar with the area.
Last week I went eating with friends at a restaurant. We had to sit at first floor since ground ones were full of people. But upstairs were also packed and loud. I have to calm myself from thinking that the only exit down is the staircase in order to continue eating.
I may not show or tell, but sometimes it was that bad.
And I developed anxiety issues from time to time. I don't handle pressure well. So yeah I can get panic out of the blue when I am alone.
So to top all of these, I got into an accident last Tuesday. Luckily not alone; with a colleague as my co driver. They were only scrapes and scratches on the body of my car. But I can still see the image of the black car on my right hand side bumped into my car.
The scar it left on the car may not be much, but I find it hard to let go.
Wednesday morning I was trapped in a traffic jam on my way to work. And the feeling was horrible. It's just me. This shall pass.
What do people usually say?
It's all in your head.
Thank you for the prayers. I am physically fine.
Dear God, please take care of me.
Kata-kata dan niat
Setakat terlanjur kata sinis sekali-sekala, kita semua manusia. Tak sedar pun.
Tak sedar yang kadangnya ada kata-kata yang tak perlu diluahkan. Kadangnya kita mengguris hati manusia yang kita kasihkan.
Niat; seperti dalam agama yang benar, tak pernah meluluskan cara sesuatu kata diutarakan jika hal itu menyakitkan hati pihak yang mendengar. Walaupun hal itu adalah fakta yang betul.
Tahun ini ada jarak yang wujud, dan juga jarak yang sengaja diwujudkan demi keperluan untuk menjaga hati sesama manusia.
Rapat macam mana pun, kalau tak punya ruang yang sebetulnya akan ada yang mengguris, akan ada yang terguris.
Asing macam mana pun, jika hormatnya cukup, selesa itu akan lebih menenangkan jiwa-jiwa yang memerlukan.
Kita cuma perlukan manusia yang memahami, yang hornat pada kamu. Manusia ini juga perlu sanggup untuk beri kamu waktu, ruang dan tenaga. Sanggup bersusah untuk kamu. Melayan apa saja kamu.
Tapi kamu juga janganlah sampai tak sedar diri.
Kah kah kah.
Layanlah juga orang di sisi kamu sebaiknya.
"Okay."
Tak sedar yang kadangnya ada kata-kata yang tak perlu diluahkan. Kadangnya kita mengguris hati manusia yang kita kasihkan.
Niat; seperti dalam agama yang benar, tak pernah meluluskan cara sesuatu kata diutarakan jika hal itu menyakitkan hati pihak yang mendengar. Walaupun hal itu adalah fakta yang betul.
Tahun ini ada jarak yang wujud, dan juga jarak yang sengaja diwujudkan demi keperluan untuk menjaga hati sesama manusia.
Rapat macam mana pun, kalau tak punya ruang yang sebetulnya akan ada yang mengguris, akan ada yang terguris.
Asing macam mana pun, jika hormatnya cukup, selesa itu akan lebih menenangkan jiwa-jiwa yang memerlukan.
Kita cuma perlukan manusia yang memahami, yang hornat pada kamu. Manusia ini juga perlu sanggup untuk beri kamu waktu, ruang dan tenaga. Sanggup bersusah untuk kamu. Melayan apa saja kamu.
Tapi kamu juga janganlah sampai tak sedar diri.
Kah kah kah.
Layanlah juga orang di sisi kamu sebaiknya.
"Okay."
Please, miss me II
It's hard to trace the presence of longing from your side these days. I wonder if my heart has darkened that I could not feel it at all at times.
I hate to sigh but have to continue the struggle to live.
Life is hard. I wish you can read me.
I hate to sigh but have to continue the struggle to live.
Life is hard. I wish you can read me.
The wind blows and I feel cold
Last week when I was driving home after work, something came to my mind.
"It's not like I don't deserve to have some people around me, but they just don't deserve me to be in theirs. Perhaps I am the one who should move forward."
"It's not like I don't deserve to have some people around me, but they just don't deserve me to be in theirs. Perhaps I am the one who should move forward."
People come and go II
"Ada ajakan dari seorang teman untuk merehatkan jiwa ke wilayah terpilih di Perak. Aku agak tidak sabar untuk melaksanakan projek itu walaupun fulus kering. Baik tak baik teman itu, dia mahu tanggung perbelanjaan aku. Dia cuma mahu aku temankannya.
Aku mahu kau tahu; kalau-kalau projek ini tak jadi sekalipun, aku mahu berterima kasih banyak pada kau. Atas alasan mengajak dan memberi pilihan untuk aku berbuat keputusan."
I wrote this early 2013. And it was about the same girl of post one.
Thank you.
Another busy girlfriend offered me flight tickets last month. To accompany her for a vacation. I really want to but I don't have time to do so.
Anyway, thank you.
I find that I am the kind of person people loves to bring with them almost everywhere. I wish I can maintain the momentum of reaching out for people around me.
I hope I give you guys happy vibes still.
Aku mahu kau tahu; kalau-kalau projek ini tak jadi sekalipun, aku mahu berterima kasih banyak pada kau. Atas alasan mengajak dan memberi pilihan untuk aku berbuat keputusan."
I wrote this early 2013. And it was about the same girl of post one.
Thank you.
Another busy girlfriend offered me flight tickets last month. To accompany her for a vacation. I really want to but I don't have time to do so.
Anyway, thank you.
I find that I am the kind of person people loves to bring with them almost everywhere. I wish I can maintain the momentum of reaching out for people around me.
I hope I give you guys happy vibes still.
What do you want to live for?
My writing sounds depressing. Perhaps it doesn't actually depict the real situation I'm in. But yeah, I am not in a good state.
What do you want to live for?
Why are you in this state?
Shouldn't you try to make it better?
Should you walk away?
John Lennon said his mother said that happiness is the key of life.
I want to be happy too.
What do you want to live for?
Why are you in this state?
Shouldn't you try to make it better?
Should you walk away?
John Lennon said his mother said that happiness is the key of life.
I want to be happy too.
--
It's been a lot while since the last time that I actually caught your presence in my dreams. There are these two (new ones) connected to you. But you're only in one of them, with me surrounded by your family. Last year, we were surrounded by my family. The latter one, I dreamed of someone who adores you a lot. Someone I came across twice. A girl.
30th January 2012
30th January 2012
People come and go
Ada kawan yang sangat sibuk dengan kehidupannya tiba-tiba datang menyapa.
Sapaan yang bersambung-sambung walaupun aku tak beri banyak masa awalnya. You don't know how much it means to me.
Because this year alone I put so many people called friends in an envelope and put it away. Envelope so far, no more on the bedside for me to reach easily. You were included.
Thank you for the effort, girl. Thank you for still caring. For reaching out and let me know that even through your hectic schedule all these while, you're still there.
Because nowadays even the closest ones seems so far.
It felt like nobody is home. Not like it used to be.
So I guess people actually come and go and some did come back and some just leave forever or maybe I also prefer to leave people too nowadays.
Sapaan yang bersambung-sambung walaupun aku tak beri banyak masa awalnya. You don't know how much it means to me.
Because this year alone I put so many people called friends in an envelope and put it away. Envelope so far, no more on the bedside for me to reach easily. You were included.
Thank you for the effort, girl. Thank you for still caring. For reaching out and let me know that even through your hectic schedule all these while, you're still there.
Because nowadays even the closest ones seems so far.
It felt like nobody is home. Not like it used to be.
So I guess people actually come and go and some did come back and some just leave forever or maybe I also prefer to leave people too nowadays.
Agitated
Ada perasaan lain mula timbul bila aku berada dalam kelompok kawan yang digemari.
Mungkin cuma aku yang berperasaan kurang selamat. Or everyone starts feeling insecure about everybody. Atau kehidupan yang semakin menggigit, menelan ketenangan yang kami kongsi sebelum ini.
Yeah, I don't want to blame them or myself.
I am either being the outspoken one or the reserved one in conversations.
I hate this situation. Too awkward.
Mungkin cuma aku yang berperasaan kurang selamat. Or everyone starts feeling insecure about everybody. Atau kehidupan yang semakin menggigit, menelan ketenangan yang kami kongsi sebelum ini.
Yeah, I don't want to blame them or myself.
I am either being the outspoken one or the reserved one in conversations.
I hate this situation. Too awkward.
Hollow
Since I don't want to open my mouth much to talk about all these tiring thoughts I have in my head, I'd better just write and blurt everything here.
Life is as tiring as it should be but I am okay. Coping.
Correcting and improving my relationship with Him. I have gone astray too much.
I used to believe a good protected soul can do just anything. Everything you want. So yeah I want to focus on this.
I guess when you're always looking calm and content then suddenly you cry 24/7 and complain and whine about everything people get surprised and it is not their fault when you don't get the respond you deserve. They're just not used to it. So do not complain about it. Accept.
And yeah you can weep to sleep if you need to release the tense.
To make plans for my own. I can do that. Fuhh.
I look up the skies and I think about you Mak. Every single day.
Thank you for a clearer skies these days God. Haze is fading. I hope this shall last. My eyesight is bad enough I cannot see the traffic lights or parking count lights clearly unless I am at a 3-5 meter distance.
I don't know whether I can afford to change the glasses of my eyeglasses; or well just change to a new one. I have this high demand for brands. *screw you*
Life is as tiring as it should be but I am okay. Coping.
Correcting and improving my relationship with Him. I have gone astray too much.
I used to believe a good protected soul can do just anything. Everything you want. So yeah I want to focus on this.
I guess when you're always looking calm and content then suddenly you cry 24/7 and complain and whine about everything people get surprised and it is not their fault when you don't get the respond you deserve. They're just not used to it. So do not complain about it. Accept.
And yeah you can weep to sleep if you need to release the tense.
To make plans for my own. I can do that. Fuhh.
I look up the skies and I think about you Mak. Every single day.
Thank you for a clearer skies these days God. Haze is fading. I hope this shall last. My eyesight is bad enough I cannot see the traffic lights or parking count lights clearly unless I am at a 3-5 meter distance.
I don't know whether I can afford to change the glasses of my eyeglasses; or well just change to a new one. I have this high demand for brands. *screw you*
25 Juni 2011
"Bila realiti rasa pahit, semua orang nak menyelam dalam halusinasi tinggi. Dalam mimpi itu masing-masing cuba memeluk dan menyakinkan diri yang harapan masih itu ada untuk mengecap rasa manis. Sikit-sikit macam manis-manis buah pun tak apa. Asal ada.
Asal ada.
I guess I'm doing fine.
Just fine."
----------
I can't believe I have been 'meroyan' since ages. Pfft.
Be grateful peeps. Allah is indeed the Greatest. Have faith.
Okay?
Okay.
Dah lebih sebulan sejak aku meroyan tak tentu hala cakap nak berhenti kerja.
People see me getting calmer. But I am not.
I need a vacation. Short or long. I want to breathe something new. But haze is everywhere in the country pfft.
Seronok sebenarnya salahkan orang lain. Salahkan benda sekeliling.
Aku perlukan masa lapang. Which I don't have.
Kitaran hidup yang kejam. Aku perlu berubah ke arah lebih baik setiap hari.
4 bulan lagi aku akan berumur 27 tahun. Should I start jotting down all my accomplishments on one side and my failures on one side, I would be one grateful human crying for what I have had all these years.
Kawan-kawan kebanyakannya dah berkahwin. Dah beranak satu. Akan beranak kali kedua. Mempunyai perancangan untuk berkahwin tahun depan dan sebagainya.
Aku terperasan yang aku cuba untuk tidak menjadi ramah seperti biasa. Aku cuba menjadi seorang pendiam dan pemerhati tapi kebanyakan usaha itu akan terbantut bila aku sibuk bercerita sama sambil bergelak ketawa dengan comel.
Tak mudah sebenarnya bila terpaksa menahan diri dari membuka mulut. Atau untuk tidak memberi respon kepada topik-topik dalam Whatsapp group dan sebagainya. Aku manusia yang suka memberi.
Aku sebenarnya manja. Jadi aku beri perhatian kerana aku perlukan perhatian.
My nature just won't obey to the rules and regulations other human being obeyed to. I cannot live in the norm, it's killing me.
Patutkah aku mula sibukkan diri dengan segala minat dan kemahuan aku dari sekarang? Atau terus cuba bertahan untuk mengisi kemahuan manusia-manusia yang aku sayang terlebih dahulu?
Aku tak tahu sama ada aku mampu untuk melakukan kedua-duanya pada masa yang sama.
I wish I don't have to hurt you people.
But I just want to be heard. I want to be understood.
Memori tentang Mak yang sentiasa tersenyum, selalu mendengar dan tak pernah menolak segala kemahuan aku yang macam-macam dari kecil buat aku sebak.
Dear sugar, where are you?
Semudah mana pun kamu melihat aku bergaul, aku sebenarnya seorang yang payah. Mungkin aku yang menyusahkan keadaan. Mungkin.
Sanity
"Few good people.
We just need a bunch of few good people to go on.
Let me be one of your very few good people who stay. And never left.'
I wrote this on September 2013. Before I went to Manchester. I was so afraid that distance is going to mess with so many things around me.
But no I was wrong.
Far or near, what matters is the effort, the willingness, the prayer, the choices you choose to hold on to.
But most of all, you need the right timing, the right situation and the right people to be by your side almost at all time to maintain your sanity. Else you could just die alone.
I never leave. I rarely leave. But I do know how to leave.
But still. I usually love to stay. Sad but true.
12 Oktober 2015
Ada gema yang melantun nama yang sama. Berulang tanpa henti untuk beberapa ketika. Sela nafas aku berganti-gantian dengan keluhan yang tiada penghujung. Aku cuma mampu memandang kosong ke arah siling, meneliti bilah kipas yang sedang berputar. Di luar ada bunyi guruh. Aku pandang jam. Sudah semakin lewat malam.
To pause
Selepas lebih dua minggu meroyan nak berhenti kerja,
aku pilih untuk berhenti berfikir.
Ikut saja arus.
Pada masa yang sama, aku ambil teropong cuba intai peluang lain.
Peluang-peluang kerja, peluang-peluang bisnes sendiri; peluang-peluang baru untuk meneruskan hidup.
Kalau ditanya, aku tak rasa umur aku panjang pun.
Macam terlalu banyak dosa, terlalu banyak kesalahan dan khilaf. Aku selalu fikir kalau aku mati dalam tempoh sama Mak pergi menghadap Ilahi 11 tahun lepas, alangkah bagusnya.
Kononnya aku yang berumur 15 tahun itu masih bersih dan suci pemikirannya.
Rajin melaksanakan apa yang patut dan tak pernah melakukan apa yang tak patut. Tapi siapa kita untuk menimbang dosa pahala bukan? Heh.
Ada kawan yang hampir hilang datang kembali. Ada kawan yang telah hilang mula memunculkan diri. Ada kawan yang rapat semakin pergi. Syukurlah ada kawan-kawan yang masih setia bergembira bersama.
Aku dilabel mendahulukan kawan-kawan melebihi darah daging.
Sebenarnya aku cuma melebihkan mereka yang meminta dan memujuk rayu untuk kewujudan aku.
Atau mungkin sebenarnya aku cuma melebihkan apa yang menenangkan aku.
Salahkah bila cuba meladeni hati sendiri?
aku pilih untuk berhenti berfikir.
Ikut saja arus.
Pada masa yang sama, aku ambil teropong cuba intai peluang lain.
Peluang-peluang kerja, peluang-peluang bisnes sendiri; peluang-peluang baru untuk meneruskan hidup.
Kalau ditanya, aku tak rasa umur aku panjang pun.
Macam terlalu banyak dosa, terlalu banyak kesalahan dan khilaf. Aku selalu fikir kalau aku mati dalam tempoh sama Mak pergi menghadap Ilahi 11 tahun lepas, alangkah bagusnya.
Kononnya aku yang berumur 15 tahun itu masih bersih dan suci pemikirannya.
Rajin melaksanakan apa yang patut dan tak pernah melakukan apa yang tak patut. Tapi siapa kita untuk menimbang dosa pahala bukan? Heh.
Ada kawan yang hampir hilang datang kembali. Ada kawan yang telah hilang mula memunculkan diri. Ada kawan yang rapat semakin pergi. Syukurlah ada kawan-kawan yang masih setia bergembira bersama.
Aku dilabel mendahulukan kawan-kawan melebihi darah daging.
Sebenarnya aku cuma melebihkan mereka yang meminta dan memujuk rayu untuk kewujudan aku.
Atau mungkin sebenarnya aku cuma melebihkan apa yang menenangkan aku.
Salahkah bila cuba meladeni hati sendiri?
Sapaan malaikat
Sejak kebelakangan ini, walaupun tidur sebelum jam 12am, aku akan bangun jam 530am. Biasanya tubuh aku cuma akan berehat 4 jam atau kurang dan aku akan terjaga sendiri.
Sebelum ini kalau tidur 9pm, akan terjaga 1am.
Kalau tidur 10pm, akan terjaga 2am.
Sama ada aku bangun mandi buat kerja atau laksanakan apa-apa aktiviti itu pilihan. Tapi kebiasaannya memang aku akan terjaga. Celik. Cukup tidur.
Nampak gaya kesihatan dah susut, tubuh dah tenat.
Sekarang dah macam perlukan 5 jam dan ke atas untuk berehat waktu malam. Terjaga pun masih rasa penat dan nak sambung tidur.
Sebenarnya setiap kali aku terjaga sendiri, aku anggap malaikat yang datang menyapa kejutkan aku.
Have I been ignoring your calling these days, God?
Or maybe I am just tired.
Sebelum ini kalau tidur 9pm, akan terjaga 1am.
Kalau tidur 10pm, akan terjaga 2am.
Sama ada aku bangun mandi buat kerja atau laksanakan apa-apa aktiviti itu pilihan. Tapi kebiasaannya memang aku akan terjaga. Celik. Cukup tidur.
Nampak gaya kesihatan dah susut, tubuh dah tenat.
Sekarang dah macam perlukan 5 jam dan ke atas untuk berehat waktu malam. Terjaga pun masih rasa penat dan nak sambung tidur.
Sebenarnya setiap kali aku terjaga sendiri, aku anggap malaikat yang datang menyapa kejutkan aku.
Have I been ignoring your calling these days, God?
Or maybe I am just tired.
--
Terlalu banyak perkara yang difikir-beratkan dalam kepala.
Ada dua pilihan.
Untuk simpan dalam-dalam ataupun untuk memuntah luah segala.
Aku cuma tidak mahu wujud sebagai beban.
Terima kasih kepada yang mengambil berat. Masalah ini wujud kerana keberadaan aku yang degil, enggan berubah.
Payah untuk berubah dari fasa selesa ke seterusnya.
Aku cukup takut untuk jatuh.
This anxiety problem. I'm coping not to have the attack.
But I am starting to lose my grip on my environment.
*breathe*
I don't want to sigh anymore.
Ada dua pilihan.
Untuk simpan dalam-dalam ataupun untuk memuntah luah segala.
Aku cuma tidak mahu wujud sebagai beban.
Terima kasih kepada yang mengambil berat. Masalah ini wujud kerana keberadaan aku yang degil, enggan berubah.
Payah untuk berubah dari fasa selesa ke seterusnya.
Aku cukup takut untuk jatuh.
This anxiety problem. I'm coping not to have the attack.
But I am starting to lose my grip on my environment.
*breathe*
I don't want to sigh anymore.
Looking forward to a new starting point
I am 26y/o. In less than 4 years I will be 30y/o.
Maybe I am destined to do things differently. Or maybe I am just a freak. A coward.
Dear loved ones, thank you for the support. I'll strive and struggle better from now on. I will grab opportunities better.
It's just that right now, I am not strong enough.
No point in going forward in this direction. I got hurt so much I don't think I can take the pressure well. I guess I'm just too fragile in this sense.
Every time I fill my thoughts with this matter, my body started rejecting food. My mind got unstable, headache came and my focus got lost. I get traumatized.
I thought it's just a simple panic attack or I was restless and all but with the explanations stated, a girl called it anxiety issues. She used to have it.
My question is, would you stay if you feel unwanted?
In any kind of relationship or situation.
Last night a good friend asked, "What do you really wanna do in your life?".
I answered, "I just want to do things I want to do."
He's not satisfied with it. But I felt like telling everything already. I want to feel content. I want not just to be happy. I want to feel it. I want to live for it. Live with it.
Should I die young, I don't want to die regretting.
Maybe I am destined to do things differently. Or maybe I am just a freak. A coward.
Dear loved ones, thank you for the support. I'll strive and struggle better from now on. I will grab opportunities better.
It's just that right now, I am not strong enough.
No point in going forward in this direction. I got hurt so much I don't think I can take the pressure well. I guess I'm just too fragile in this sense.
Every time I fill my thoughts with this matter, my body started rejecting food. My mind got unstable, headache came and my focus got lost. I get traumatized.
I thought it's just a simple panic attack or I was restless and all but with the explanations stated, a girl called it anxiety issues. She used to have it.
My question is, would you stay if you feel unwanted?
In any kind of relationship or situation.
Last night a good friend asked, "What do you really wanna do in your life?".
I answered, "I just want to do things I want to do."
He's not satisfied with it. But I felt like telling everything already. I want to feel content. I want not just to be happy. I want to feel it. I want to live for it. Live with it.
Should I die young, I don't want to die regretting.
Of what I am handling these days
Aku perlukan sedikit waktu selang untuk bersendirian. Berlama dikelilingi ramai manusia begini boleh menghilangkan seorang aku sedikit demi sedikit.
Aku cuba menyelak melihat masa depan.
Masih tertinggal sedikit kuntum senyum, namun sudah samar-samar.
Kewangan belum stabil.
Aku perlukan masa untuk berusaha cuba melangkaui aku, bukan sebaliknya seperti sekarang ini. Fokus aku masih terganggu.
Aku cuba menyelak melihat masa depan.
Masih tertinggal sedikit kuntum senyum, namun sudah samar-samar.
Kewangan belum stabil.
Aku perlukan masa untuk berusaha cuba melangkaui aku, bukan sebaliknya seperti sekarang ini. Fokus aku masih terganggu.
Komitmen
Aku dianggap mempunyai masalah untuk membahagikan masa dengan baik.
Hanya kerana mereka kata mereka faham, mereka tak semestinya faham.
Jadi untuk pihak yang sedia maklum langsung tidak cuba untuk berada dalam situasi kamu, maka faham-fahamlah. Langsung tidak dipedulikan keadaan kamu.
Aku bukanlah mempunyai masalah untuk membahagikan masa dengan baik.
Cuma kamu yang tidak faham cara aku berfungsi.
Aku melihat kehidupan berlainan dari kamu.
Jadi aku juga bisa menghakimi yang kamu tidak menjalani kehidupan dengan baik.
Tuhan jadikan aku dan kamu-kamu berbeza.
Masalah kamu untuk tidak menerima pendapat itu bukan masalah aku.
Tetapi Tuhan, kenapa aku dijadikan kamu terlalu rapuh seperti ini?
Bukan tidak punya kesabaran, aku cuma penat dan sedih.
090915
Hanya kerana mereka kata mereka faham, mereka tak semestinya faham.
Jadi untuk pihak yang sedia maklum langsung tidak cuba untuk berada dalam situasi kamu, maka faham-fahamlah. Langsung tidak dipedulikan keadaan kamu.
Aku bukanlah mempunyai masalah untuk membahagikan masa dengan baik.
Cuma kamu yang tidak faham cara aku berfungsi.
Aku melihat kehidupan berlainan dari kamu.
Jadi aku juga bisa menghakimi yang kamu tidak menjalani kehidupan dengan baik.
Tuhan jadikan aku dan kamu-kamu berbeza.
Masalah kamu untuk tidak menerima pendapat itu bukan masalah aku.
Tetapi Tuhan, kenapa aku dijadikan kamu terlalu rapuh seperti ini?
Bukan tidak punya kesabaran, aku cuma penat dan sedih.
090915
Followers on Instagram
Aku tak pernah kisah pasal bilangan pengikut (read: followers) di Instagram ni sebenarnya. Tapi rasanya sejak merasa tak bekerja dan tak berduit awal tahun tempoh hari, aku rasa perlu untuk bilangan pengikut ni bertambah hari demi hari.
Sebab aku pun memang akan menambah bilangan orang yang aku ikut kan.
Konon nak seimbang.
Tapi sebenarnya lebih kepada aku jeles tengok artis-artis semua jual apakebende je terus laku macam pisang goreng yang panas-panas rangup.
Aku pun nak berniaga laku macam tu juga. :'(
Sejak dua menjak ni kecoh pasal isu rebut nasi dalam periuk orang lain. Rezeki itu semua Dia yang beri. Betul. Tapi kalau tak kena cara, tetap salah. Mungkin kau boleh kata alah dah orang tu nak beli produk dari aku, rezeki aku lah. Tapi kalau kau buat dengan mencantas apa yang sepatutnya hak orang lain, tetap salah. Memang kau dapat, tapi bukan pendapatan yang bersih.
Wallahualam.
Aku memang sedang celaru. Topik pasal lain dah cerita pasal lain. Oke, bai.
Sebab aku pun memang akan menambah bilangan orang yang aku ikut kan.
Konon nak seimbang.
Tapi sebenarnya lebih kepada aku jeles tengok artis-artis semua jual apakebende je terus laku macam pisang goreng yang panas-panas rangup.
Aku pun nak berniaga laku macam tu juga. :'(
Sejak dua menjak ni kecoh pasal isu rebut nasi dalam periuk orang lain. Rezeki itu semua Dia yang beri. Betul. Tapi kalau tak kena cara, tetap salah. Mungkin kau boleh kata alah dah orang tu nak beli produk dari aku, rezeki aku lah. Tapi kalau kau buat dengan mencantas apa yang sepatutnya hak orang lain, tetap salah. Memang kau dapat, tapi bukan pendapatan yang bersih.
Wallahualam.
Aku memang sedang celaru. Topik pasal lain dah cerita pasal lain. Oke, bai.
Ruang udara untuk bernafas
Aku lupa pernah diceritakan di sini atau tidak. Tentang kewujudan sebuah tempat, sebuah rumah lain sebagai tempat aku mengadu tentang cinta yang belum dirai.
Dah lama aku tak jenguk sana. Aku sebenarnya sudah tak punya banyak masa.
Penat, lelah.
Ada yang kata faham tapi sebenarnya tidak faham.
Sikit lagi jika berlama begini, aku boleh hilang.
Penat, lelah.
Ada yang kata faham tapi sebenarnya tidak faham.
Sikit lagi jika berlama begini, aku boleh hilang.
Euphoria
Dua tahun lepas, aku terjebak dalam perbincangan tentang jodoh (lagi). Status lingkungan umur sekarang, agak pelik untuk tidak diajukan soalan-soalan seperti ini.
Kelompok tadi seperti mengatakan yang sangat sukar untuk mengetahui hal yang sebenarnya tentang perkara jodoh yang samar. Cuma Tuhan yang tahu.
Walhal si pemilik-pemilik kata sudahpun berpasangan, bakal bertunang dan sebagainya.
Menyambung konversasi tadi, separa refleks aku kata, "I believe it's when you look at this somebody, you feel comfort, and deep down you feel like 'okay this is it', he/she is enough for you. That you need no more than that."
Kesempurnaan apa lagi yang kau mahu cari, bila yang dirasa sekarang seperti sudah cukup. Hampir cukup yang membawa untuk punya rasa syukur atas tenang yang ada. Kau sendiri bukan malaikat.
Janganlah tamak sangat. Jangan nak rakus sangat. Dan bilamana kamu bertemu manusia yang menjadikan kamu suka dan seronok tadi, panjatkan syukur dan bersabarlah.
Hati. Tenanglah kamu.
'Percayalah dengan jodoh Tuhan.'
Unsettled business II
Remember the aunty I told you about? The one with unfinished business with my late mother.
She actually finished her lecturing session 30 minutes earlier at UM, and went home straight. Her daughter drove her car from Shah Alam after finishing her classes at UiTM and met her mom at home in Bandar Baru Bangi. They were already heading to KLIA when the daughter re-read my Facebook status informing my departure to Manchester will be on Sunday, 15th September at 830pm. They both laughed out loud and went home.
It happened on Thursday, 12th September 2013.
I cried. I feel blessed. Though they were not going to be there on the day of my departure. They went back to Kota Bharu this afternoon.
Thank you. For showering me with this.
130913
A Bunch of Screwed Days
Struggling to stay calm. And trying to treat everybody nicely.
As much as I love running, I hate having to chase things especially things I have no passion in.
And I hate angry people. And irrational people.
Please die nicely.
I hate it when I have to hold back my words. I guess this is called patience.
As much as I love running, I hate having to chase things especially things I have no passion in.
And I hate angry people. And irrational people.
Please die nicely.
I hate it when I have to hold back my words. I guess this is called patience.
How would you like to die?
I wrote this as a response to Magenta's post.
"Mak meninggal dunia 2004. That year, I died. Bernafas balik 2008. Sedar-sedar dah ketinggalan banyak benda. Mati ni dekat kan. Anytime boleh putus nafas, yet we sinned repeatedly.
I wish to die by illness. I want to be able to feel pain. Time to repent if I haven't. Spend some more with loved ones, or make loved ones spend some more with me. I want to feel the love once and for all before I die. I want to be able to reminisce all of the beautiful things before I close my eyes, perhaps I'll be scared yet relieved thinking I'll be seeing Mak again.
Tapi sekarang ni, banyak benda nak kejar sampai tak cukup tangan :') I just don't want to die out of a sudden like in a crash or disasters. That would be sad. There are those who need to know how much I love them. Or this particular one I put close in my heart to make sure I breathe."
And yesterday we drove back to KL after Raya break. I mean, I was just the co-driver. Talked, talked and just do the talking and making sure the driver didn't fall asleep. Though I must have bored him as well.
Talked about cars, house, life plan, financial status, how to manage life, and well, death. These days I noticed I don't drive crazily anymore too. The max I go is 120-130km/hour when in a rush or the road is empty and I just want the adrenaline rush. My average is 80km/hour. I only overtake when the car in front drive slower than 60km/hour. The thing is, aging makes you appreciate this one life of yours more. Whatever you do. Since driving is something dangerous we do occasionally, we do need to be extra cautious at that.
It is sad to see car accidents almost every day during Ramadhan on my way to and back from work. Sadden me more to see the news at prime time reporting death of school students, families and so many people even during Syawal. It is scary. My condolences to those affected. May those unfortunate lives rest in peace.
Like I said, I don't want to die yet.
"Mak meninggal dunia 2004. That year, I died. Bernafas balik 2008. Sedar-sedar dah ketinggalan banyak benda. Mati ni dekat kan. Anytime boleh putus nafas, yet we sinned repeatedly.
I wish to die by illness. I want to be able to feel pain. Time to repent if I haven't. Spend some more with loved ones, or make loved ones spend some more with me. I want to feel the love once and for all before I die. I want to be able to reminisce all of the beautiful things before I close my eyes, perhaps I'll be scared yet relieved thinking I'll be seeing Mak again.
Tapi sekarang ni, banyak benda nak kejar sampai tak cukup tangan :') I just don't want to die out of a sudden like in a crash or disasters. That would be sad. There are those who need to know how much I love them. Or this particular one I put close in my heart to make sure I breathe."
And yesterday we drove back to KL after Raya break. I mean, I was just the co-driver. Talked, talked and just do the talking and making sure the driver didn't fall asleep. Though I must have bored him as well.
Talked about cars, house, life plan, financial status, how to manage life, and well, death. These days I noticed I don't drive crazily anymore too. The max I go is 120-130km/hour when in a rush or the road is empty and I just want the adrenaline rush. My average is 80km/hour. I only overtake when the car in front drive slower than 60km/hour. The thing is, aging makes you appreciate this one life of yours more. Whatever you do. Since driving is something dangerous we do occasionally, we do need to be extra cautious at that.
It is sad to see car accidents almost every day during Ramadhan on my way to and back from work. Sadden me more to see the news at prime time reporting death of school students, families and so many people even during Syawal. It is scary. My condolences to those affected. May those unfortunate lives rest in peace.
Like I said, I don't want to die yet.
Lailatulqadar
Sedikit terkilan bila kali ni tak dapat bangun untuk setiap 10 malam akhir Ramadan. Biasanya aku usaha lebih. Tapi efek baru mula kerja. Persekitaran baru yang tiba-tiba. I am never good at adapting changes fast, but I usually adapt well once I get the flow though.
Semalam perasaan kuat mengatakan malam lailatulqadar. Aku cuma fully awake jam 445 dan turun bantu sediakan makanan untuk sahur. 510 setelah ke tandas aku selak langsir dan tengok langit. Sebak.
It looks too nice, too serene it kills me.
Sebenarnya setiap kali bangun untuk bersahur, aku punya dua pilihan bila terjaga lebih kurang jam 430. Sempat untuk laksana macam-macam bukan? Tapi paling sesuai, paling top priority ialah untuk sebaik boleh memenuhi keperluan kakak. Jadi aku akan turun bantu sediakan masakan sahur dahulu. Kalau sempat baru bergegas buat apa sempat sebelum makan sahur.
Yang mana aku tertidur, yang mana aku tak sengaja bermalasan, aku harap cukup untuk aku tampung segala sedih di hati kakak aku dengan ada bila aku mampu. Aku harap dia tahu aku dah cuba sebaik boleh.
Aku kembali ke meja makan sambil cakap pada kakak. I think it's lailatulqadar.
Pagi ni mellow. Bawa kereta mellow sambil layan Coldplay. Biasa bertolak 645 harini bertolak 740 sebab aku ambil masa lama nak digest banyak benda lepas Subuh tadi. Tak buat apa pun. Aku cuma baring berfikir lama.
Pasal hidup, duit dan kesedihan terlepas untuk bangun semalam.
Tahun depan, wujud-kah lagi aku untuk bertemu Ramadan kembali? Untuk kelapangan menikmati kemanisan mengerjakan ibadah pada 10 malam akhir-nya.
Pada satu sudut, aku rindu Madinah. Peluk aku Tuhan.
Semalam perasaan kuat mengatakan malam lailatulqadar. Aku cuma fully awake jam 445 dan turun bantu sediakan makanan untuk sahur. 510 setelah ke tandas aku selak langsir dan tengok langit. Sebak.
It looks too nice, too serene it kills me.
Sebenarnya setiap kali bangun untuk bersahur, aku punya dua pilihan bila terjaga lebih kurang jam 430. Sempat untuk laksana macam-macam bukan? Tapi paling sesuai, paling top priority ialah untuk sebaik boleh memenuhi keperluan kakak. Jadi aku akan turun bantu sediakan masakan sahur dahulu. Kalau sempat baru bergegas buat apa sempat sebelum makan sahur.
Yang mana aku tertidur, yang mana aku tak sengaja bermalasan, aku harap cukup untuk aku tampung segala sedih di hati kakak aku dengan ada bila aku mampu. Aku harap dia tahu aku dah cuba sebaik boleh.
Aku kembali ke meja makan sambil cakap pada kakak. I think it's lailatulqadar.
Pagi ni mellow. Bawa kereta mellow sambil layan Coldplay. Biasa bertolak 645 harini bertolak 740 sebab aku ambil masa lama nak digest banyak benda lepas Subuh tadi. Tak buat apa pun. Aku cuma baring berfikir lama.
Pasal hidup, duit dan kesedihan terlepas untuk bangun semalam.
Tahun depan, wujud-kah lagi aku untuk bertemu Ramadan kembali? Untuk kelapangan menikmati kemanisan mengerjakan ibadah pada 10 malam akhir-nya.
Pada satu sudut, aku rindu Madinah. Peluk aku Tuhan.
"
Menjalani kehidupan dengan aturan yang berterabur begitu melelahkan.
Cebis-cebis harapan hampir saja turut pergi meninggalkan. Sayap-sayap
malaikat pula kini cuma mampu dilihat dari jauh.
Ada teman yang melabel aku sentiasa gembira, seronok dengan hidup. I guess she couldn't see me that well yet.
'Biar di dalam menangis, di luar senyum melukis.' I kept this words for years and still see years coming holding on to it. Thank you monsieur.
No worries. Ini cuma keluhan di kala selang yang wujud. Aku masih berhidup manja dalam konteks sendiri-sendiri.
Mencapai syurga di langit Tuhan itu, tentulah perlu bertabah lama bukan? Syurga. Kita bercakap tentang syurga Tuhan ni.
Juli, 2015
Ada teman yang melabel aku sentiasa gembira, seronok dengan hidup. I guess she couldn't see me that well yet.
'Biar di dalam menangis, di luar senyum melukis.' I kept this words for years and still see years coming holding on to it. Thank you monsieur.
No worries. Ini cuma keluhan di kala selang yang wujud. Aku masih berhidup manja dalam konteks sendiri-sendiri.
Mencapai syurga di langit Tuhan itu, tentulah perlu bertabah lama bukan? Syurga. Kita bercakap tentang syurga Tuhan ni.
Juli, 2015
Menjadi tetamu Allah SWT
Sebagai hamba Dia, bila meninggal dunia nanti kita akan dihisab sebelum dijemput ke syurga atau dicampak ke neraka wallahualam. Dalam kata lain, sama ada akan dilayan sebagai tetamu yang kehormat ataupun tetamu yang tidak diundang.
Ringkasnya, pengalaman buat Umrah tu aku tak boleh nak cerita terperinci pun. Aku betul seronok dan bersyukur diberi peluang dan mampu untuk melalui perjalanan itu bersama ayah dan umi. I can never thank them enough. I can never thank God enough.
It was a blessing. If you were given the chance, do it. Do it well.
Malam ni sudah malam ke-21 Ramadan. Selamat beribadah dan bertenang kawan-kawan.
Februari lalu perkara paling menggembirakan aku ialah bila diajak ayah dan umi untuk ke tanah suci. Peluang datang bergolek sewaktu aku masih dalam kelam depresi yang tak berpenghujung. Jadi agak berkalut untuk aku berusaha untuk menapak kembali di bumi nyata, menarik nafas baru setiap pagi untuk mencari sedikit cahaya, memberi makan pada hati dan minda yang kacau.
Beberapa hari sebelum bertolak, aku tak boleh nak cerita bagaimana keadaan perasaan aku waktu itu. Panik dan teruja bercampur. Risau akan apa-apa hal yang mungkin berlaku, memikirkan amalan yang semakin tua bukannya semakin bertambah mana. Kadangnya berkurang dan luput. Lalai, gagal melaksanakan banyak perkara. Aku malu dengan Tuhan. Segan bila diajak. Jadi masih berasa risau akan sama ada diterimanya sebagai tetamu yang baik ataupun tidak.
Dipujukkan hati dengan menyuap fahaman yang Allah SWT itu Maha Pengampun bukan? Maha Mengetahui, Maha Mengasihani. Waktu tu aku cuma fikir apa yang aku perlu lakukan cumalah terus cuba untuk menjadi lebih baik. Menyesali akan perbuatan yang tidak baik, tinggalkan malas dan lalai. Perjalanan tempoh hari mudah. Sangat mudah. Yang susah ialah perang dalam hati sendiri. I wasn't in a very pure heart condition to be invited to His place that time. Kecilnya kita ini. Pemurahnya Tuhan.
Ringkasnya, pengalaman buat Umrah tu aku tak boleh nak cerita terperinci pun. Aku betul seronok dan bersyukur diberi peluang dan mampu untuk melalui perjalanan itu bersama ayah dan umi. I can never thank them enough. I can never thank God enough.
It was a blessing. If you were given the chance, do it. Do it well.
Malam ni sudah malam ke-21 Ramadan. Selamat beribadah dan bertenang kawan-kawan.
And so I am working now
Sejak tamat belajar ijazah sarjana muda (read: degree) aku belum pernah bekerja. Maksud aku bekerja yang menggunakan segala kelulusan dan kemahiran yang diperoleh sewaktu belajar ijazah sarjana muda tadi. Tak mendapat peluang dan rezeki untuk itu. Setelah menganggur beberapa bulan, aku buat keputusan nak sambung belajar di luar negara pula. Motivasi utama ialah untuk merantau ke negara orang dengan duit poket yang banyak dan sedikit eskapism diri.
Tamat belajar, pulang ke kampung halaman. Kembali mencari kerja. Haru. Perasaan masih sama. Penat. Nak putus asa. The reason is because I struggle way harder as compared to when I graduated for my bachelor's degree. Kawan-kawan lain nampak macam senang je dapat kerja. Tapi biasalah. Nampak je macam senang.
Everybody has their struggles to beat. Their own pain. Accept that.
Setelah berbulan-bulan tak ada satu pun syarikat yang telefon untuk panggil aku untuk temuduga bekerja. Sampailah ke satu minggu ni, dapat beberapa panggilan telefon. Ada bank, ada syarikat pemasaran, dan ada sebuah syarikat lain.
So I went for the interview session on 8th June 2015. It was Ayah's birthday. I don't prepare much. I don't revise my technical knowledge. I just read stuffs on how to survive an interview well, things on attitude and all. Wear my best formal attire. And arrived 30 minutes earlier.
It was a smooth one I must say. Not that I have a lot of experiences with a lot of interview sessions. Aku cuma pernah ditemuduga untuk PTD M41 dan gagal. Pernah sekali orang panggil, look at my qualifications and said "Oh, we are actually looking for an IT person" padahal CV tu kan dah kasi melalui mel elektronik. Why on earth dia tak tengok dulu sebelum panggil aku datang masa tu? The latest one is for an editing job and the boss wanted me to be present at the office while I prefer working from home. And I don't like his attitude nor the lady who interviewed me for PTD M41. Bad experience I must say. I was a bit traumatize even to search for jobs as I never been called to one actually.
And again I would like to stress on. Everybody has their struggles. No doubt on that.
Back to the interview with my bosses that day. I like them. I genuinely said I don't like technical stuffs. Not that I am not good with it, but I prefer doing other things especially management. And I even asked, " Do you like me already?". Fikir-fikir balik betapa tak malu-nya aku masa tu :)
If this is the best for me, I am okay with this God. Thank you. At least now I have something to focus on. Something to work on.
And so yeah, I am working now. Selamat menjalani kehidupan guys.
Sembang pumpang dah 1 Ramadan 1436
Kita sebenarnya kurang bersyukur. Like seriously, aku kurang bersyukur.
Contohnya pagi ni dari Denai Alam nak exit NKVE pun dah makan masa 40 minit. Like seriously? It's my third working day. Kaki hari-hari lenguh sebab driving je. 40 minit tu hari semalam dan hari sebelumnya aku dah boleh sampai pejabat. Amboi, pejabat.
Tapi bersyukur lah kan. Dah bekerjaya dah aku ni. And I am 26 years old already. Ayah and Umi must have celebrated gratefulness in their hearts for this achievement. Raya pun cuti Jumaat, Sabtu dan Ahad je. They must have missed me terribly already, gittew. Tak sempat nak balik Pengkalan Chepa pun sebelum masuk kerja ni. My life is in a rush. I am trying to enjoy every bit of it.
Had to fight and struggle better from now on.
Dear God, let me live longer to prepare more. As what I prayed after every prayer I performed:
"Panjang-kan umur kami-kami ini supaya kami dapat mencari lebih bekalan untuk dibawa ke akhirat-Mu ya Rab."
Ramadan Kareem guys. May we all be showered with blessings.
Contohnya pagi ni dari Denai Alam nak exit NKVE pun dah makan masa 40 minit. Like seriously? It's my third working day. Kaki hari-hari lenguh sebab driving je. 40 minit tu hari semalam dan hari sebelumnya aku dah boleh sampai pejabat. Amboi, pejabat.
Tapi bersyukur lah kan. Dah bekerjaya dah aku ni. And I am 26 years old already. Ayah and Umi must have celebrated gratefulness in their hearts for this achievement. Raya pun cuti Jumaat, Sabtu dan Ahad je. They must have missed me terribly already, gittew. Tak sempat nak balik Pengkalan Chepa pun sebelum masuk kerja ni. My life is in a rush. I am trying to enjoy every bit of it.
Had to fight and struggle better from now on.
Dear God, let me live longer to prepare more. As what I prayed after every prayer I performed:
"Panjang-kan umur kami-kami ini supaya kami dapat mencari lebih bekalan untuk dibawa ke akhirat-Mu ya Rab."
Ramadan Kareem guys. May we all be showered with blessings.
"
'Bila kau tidur, kau bermimpi tak? Kau percaya tak yang mimpi kadang-kadang bukan cuma mainan tidur? Selalunya mimpi yang betul-betul terjadi alam realiti orang kata dejavu kan. Macam kau rasa "Eh scene ni dah pernah berlaku la" kind of thing. Yang aku maksudkan jenis mimpi kat sini, tak pernah sebelum ni aku rasa kesan yang sebegitu mendalam. Heh, ayat.
Tahun lepas, ada satu mimpi yang mengganggu aku. Dalam kereta bersama lagi empat manusia. Dua ahli keluarga di bahagian depan. Dan aku di bahagian belakang, duduk tengah dihimpit dua kawan. Sorang lelaki, sorang perempuan. Dan bila belek balik, kisah hidup aku memang berkisar tentang watak-watak dalam kereta tersebut tahun tersebut.
Dua tahun lepas, ada satu mimpi yang buat aku ingat sampai ke hari ni. Tiga watak yang memainkan peranan di dalamnya. Aku, dan dua kawan berlainan jantina. Kedua mereka teman yang rapat. Mulanya aku sesat. Dan kawan dari zaman persekolahan ini datang. Temankan aku. Tenangkan aku. Kami duduk di bangku satu tempat. Kepsi agaknya. Tiba-tiba kawan yang lagi seorang datang. Tarik tangan aku. Genggam kemas tangan aku. Kemas sangat sampai fokus aku cuma ke tangan. Tak sedar yang aku dah tinggalkan kawan aku yang awal tadi. Tahu-tahu aku dan kawan yang genggam tangan aku kemas sedang menuju ke satu destinasi. Kami di lapangan terbang.
Mimpi tu tamat macam tu je. Dan kawan pertama tu dah kahwin tahun lepas. Seingat aku bila bangun dari tidur, mimpi tu masih terkesan dan aku duk pandang tangan aku.'
Aku tulis entri ni tahun 2011. Sekarang dah pertengahan 2015.
Percaya saja-lah pada jodoh Tuhan.
Saja je aku publish entri ni. Banyak rupanya draf yang aku simpan. Baru sedar. Sedar yang aku ni banyak pendam juga. Macam tak ada kaitan. Kah kah.
K bai.
Aku tulis entri ni tahun 2011. Sekarang dah pertengahan 2015.
Percaya saja-lah pada jodoh Tuhan.
Saja je aku publish entri ni. Banyak rupanya draf yang aku simpan. Baru sedar. Sedar yang aku ni banyak pendam juga. Macam tak ada kaitan. Kah kah.
K bai.
Bercakap tentang Tuhan
Jujurnya walaupun sudah berniat, sudah meminta ampun, sudah mahu menjadi lebih baik dan cuba berusaha ke arah lebih baik, tetap juga tersungkur pada masa-masa tertentu. Sakit. Pedih. Kalau tak alami sendiri aku tak rasa sesiapa pun boleh cuba selami perasaan bila iman turun naik macam roller coaster ni. Kalau ini ujian Tuhan, teruk sungguh perasaan itu. Tak tahu nak salahkan syaitan yang berjaya goda aku untuk terus lalai dan berdosa atau salahkan diri sendiri yang lemah dan masih lemas.
Lebih berdosa bukan dalam keadaan sedia tahu dan berilmu, tapi masih bermain tarik tali dengan Tuhan? Going back and forth while dealing with God. What kind of slave are we? What kind of a person am I?
Jadi baik kepada orang tak semestinya baik sepenuhnya di mata Tuhan. Jadi baik di mata Tuhan juga tak semestinya baik sepenuhnya di mata orang. Hukum subjektiviti yang kamu sendiri perlu selam dan faham sebenarnya. And what you choose to be. What you choose to do. What you choose to understand. What you choose to live.
Dosa, pahala.
I just don't want to die swimming in my sins.
Mati-kan aku dalam pelukan Mu, Tuhan.
Lebih berdosa bukan dalam keadaan sedia tahu dan berilmu, tapi masih bermain tarik tali dengan Tuhan? Going back and forth while dealing with God. What kind of slave are we? What kind of a person am I?
Jadi baik kepada orang tak semestinya baik sepenuhnya di mata Tuhan. Jadi baik di mata Tuhan juga tak semestinya baik sepenuhnya di mata orang. Hukum subjektiviti yang kamu sendiri perlu selam dan faham sebenarnya. And what you choose to be. What you choose to do. What you choose to understand. What you choose to live.
Dosa, pahala.
I just don't want to die swimming in my sins.
Mati-kan aku dalam pelukan Mu, Tuhan.
You crushed my heart, friends
Kadang-kadang aku fikir macam satu kesalahan sebenarnya untuk berkenalan dengan orang baru. Sebabnya kalau kau toleh ke belakang, dah cukup dah apa yang kau perlu. Fokus, dan sama-sama saling ada saja.
Perasan tak kadang-kadang rasa macam rindu dekat kawan yang itu, kawan yang ini. Bila kau tengok dia, dia pun dah ada kawan baru yang lain. Kau pun dah ada kawan baru yang lain.
Kita semua sebenarnya melalui perubahan yang sangat banyak sedar tak sedar. Jadi kalau kita hilang kawan yang itu, kawan yang ini biasanya kita didatangkan dengan kawan yang lain pula. Mungkin pada tempoh tertentu kawan-kawan yang ini tadi tak ada kesan pun tapi kini kau rapat dan baik dengan mereka pula.
Biasanya kawan-kawan yang rasa terkilan sebab dah tak berapa rapat walaupun dalam hati kau diorang tetap sama ni kawan-kawan dari zaman persekolahan. Yang akan kekal bersama sekarang biasanya dari kalangan kenalan di universiti, institusi pengajian tinggi.
Bulan lepas aku cakap pada sorang kawan aku. These days in order to stay friends, sesuatu pihak perlu kuat dan tabah untuk sering bertanya khabar secara kasual manakala pihak lagi satu perlu melakukan perkara yang sama ataupun jika sudah cukup untuk pihak pertama tadi, sekurang-kurangnya perlu beri respon kepada pertanyaan tadi. Jika kamu cuma diam, jika kamu terlalu sibuk dan endah tak endah, shame on you.
Kadang-kadang ada gunanya untuk punya akaun jarian sosial seperti Instagram dan Twitter misalnya. Sekurang-kurangnya ada strangers with pretty hearts would spent some of their time asking about how you have been, how you have been doing, offering help and kind words, wishing you luck, wishing you good day and many more beautiful wishes.
When your used to be friends friend alienated you, ignore you, too busy for you and so on. It hurts you know. Or perhaps you no longer gives them the convenience you used to provide. Your fault lah kan. Heh.
Lebih sakit bila kau terlebih peduli akan hal-hal yang mungkin kini remeh untuk yang lain. Macam hal ini.
Tapi bukan semua yang pergi. Bukan semua yang endah tak endah. Bukan semua yang tidak sedar akan keberadaan kau yang memerlukan. Asal ada yang peduli je.
Untuk seorang dua, tiga atau empat yang wujud, terima kasih untuk ada.
Perasan tak kadang-kadang rasa macam rindu dekat kawan yang itu, kawan yang ini. Bila kau tengok dia, dia pun dah ada kawan baru yang lain. Kau pun dah ada kawan baru yang lain.
Kita semua sebenarnya melalui perubahan yang sangat banyak sedar tak sedar. Jadi kalau kita hilang kawan yang itu, kawan yang ini biasanya kita didatangkan dengan kawan yang lain pula. Mungkin pada tempoh tertentu kawan-kawan yang ini tadi tak ada kesan pun tapi kini kau rapat dan baik dengan mereka pula.
Biasanya kawan-kawan yang rasa terkilan sebab dah tak berapa rapat walaupun dalam hati kau diorang tetap sama ni kawan-kawan dari zaman persekolahan. Yang akan kekal bersama sekarang biasanya dari kalangan kenalan di universiti, institusi pengajian tinggi.
Bulan lepas aku cakap pada sorang kawan aku. These days in order to stay friends, sesuatu pihak perlu kuat dan tabah untuk sering bertanya khabar secara kasual manakala pihak lagi satu perlu melakukan perkara yang sama ataupun jika sudah cukup untuk pihak pertama tadi, sekurang-kurangnya perlu beri respon kepada pertanyaan tadi. Jika kamu cuma diam, jika kamu terlalu sibuk dan endah tak endah, shame on you.
Kadang-kadang ada gunanya untuk punya akaun jarian sosial seperti Instagram dan Twitter misalnya. Sekurang-kurangnya ada strangers with pretty hearts would spent some of their time asking about how you have been, how you have been doing, offering help and kind words, wishing you luck, wishing you good day and many more beautiful wishes.
When your used to be friends friend alienated you, ignore you, too busy for you and so on. It hurts you know. Or perhaps you no longer gives them the convenience you used to provide. Your fault lah kan. Heh.
Lebih sakit bila kau terlebih peduli akan hal-hal yang mungkin kini remeh untuk yang lain. Macam hal ini.
Tapi bukan semua yang pergi. Bukan semua yang endah tak endah. Bukan semua yang tidak sedar akan keberadaan kau yang memerlukan. Asal ada yang peduli je.
Untuk seorang dua, tiga atau empat yang wujud, terima kasih untuk ada.
We are lonely animals
Kadang-kadang kita menulis sebab kita nak tahu sama ada wujud atau tidak manusia lain yang punya perasaan sama, pemikiran sama atau lebih kurang cuma yang mampu telan hadap segala tulisan kita. Sebab kita semua sebenarnya sunyi.
We are all lonely animals.
We are all lonely animals.
I have been blogging for 10 years
Like seriously if you go across my blogger profile of this Pisey account, you can see that I started this since January 2005. Gila, 10 tahun. It all started since mom passed away you know. Those who read me from where I started again in 2009 after some pausing would know the stories if you read all the entries from start.
My life has been evolving. My writing has evolved too. I know. Kejap sedap, kejap tak sedap. Yeah I can brag like it is nothing. I am that very yakin of myself. I can just give you the look and you would loathe me and don't want to give me a second turn. You would not want to see me in the eye if you pissed me off. Ah, brag again.
And if you have been following for the past few months, I would like to state here that I am not that awesome. I just exaggerate myself. See the blog header. Haha. I have been jobless since I graduated for my degree for a year before I continue my study and finished my MSc. Sometimes I took it as a blessing that He gave me so much and gave me lots of time to spend and manage with friends and families. Some other time, I get so stressed
I never landed on any real job in the eyes of the societies yet. Not according to the norm that goes along with my education and qualification. I was once a waitress for 10 days at a restaurant in Bangi because they fell short of workers that week so I offered to help. Ate for free and even able to bring back more food to the hostel at night. Dropped 3 kilogram in a week due to that. I was once a Tutti Frutti Uptown Avenue worker for more than 3 months and it was a great experience you know. To do all the cleaning, taking care of the other kids, do the closing, count the money, late snack with my friend at 1230am at a fast food restaurant, got to buy Dominos pizza next door at 50% all the time and so many more. Still dropped more kilogram though I eat like a tiger :)
This is way off topic as regard to the title. But anyhow, this is me. I blabber and talk gibberish at times, especially when I got tired. Almost all the time I think I am weird but that is okay right? I believe it is okay. It is hard to try to fit in when you don't fit. But really, as long as we stay kind and be good to people, it should be fine. It has to be. If this alone is not enough, I might as well just get drown and be helpless and self doubt myself and just die.
But, since I got a load of things to do and a lot more to accomplish, I don't want to die yet. Life is a continuous struggle. I want to live until I can say to myself,
"This is it. This is the life that I want. I can die now."
I am not pretty you know. But I would like to see myself as someone with pretty heart. The kind of people you don't want to let go. The kind of people you don't leave behind. So everybody, please stay. If you are a kind person lah. Those with busuk hati please go. I had my own busuk hati moment with carutan I don't need yours to add.
Brag. Yeah I brag to myself all the time. Happy 10 years of blogging Pisey.
To the readers, silent or loud or none,
thanks thanks.
My life has been evolving. My writing has evolved too. I know. Kejap sedap, kejap tak sedap. Yeah I can brag like it is nothing. I am that very yakin of myself. I can just give you the look and you would loathe me and don't want to give me a second turn. You would not want to see me in the eye if you pissed me off. Ah, brag again.
And if you have been following for the past few months, I would like to state here that I am not that awesome. I just exaggerate myself. See the blog header. Haha. I have been jobless since I graduated for my degree for a year before I continue my study and finished my MSc. Sometimes I took it as a blessing that He gave me so much and gave me lots of time to spend and manage with friends and families. Some other time, I get so stressed
I never landed on any real job in the eyes of the societies yet. Not according to the norm that goes along with my education and qualification. I was once a waitress for 10 days at a restaurant in Bangi because they fell short of workers that week so I offered to help. Ate for free and even able to bring back more food to the hostel at night. Dropped 3 kilogram in a week due to that. I was once a Tutti Frutti Uptown Avenue worker for more than 3 months and it was a great experience you know. To do all the cleaning, taking care of the other kids, do the closing, count the money, late snack with my friend at 1230am at a fast food restaurant, got to buy Dominos pizza next door at 50% all the time and so many more. Still dropped more kilogram though I eat like a tiger :)
This is way off topic as regard to the title. But anyhow, this is me. I blabber and talk gibberish at times, especially when I got tired. Almost all the time I think I am weird but that is okay right? I believe it is okay. It is hard to try to fit in when you don't fit. But really, as long as we stay kind and be good to people, it should be fine. It has to be. If this alone is not enough, I might as well just get drown and be helpless and self doubt myself and just die.
But, since I got a load of things to do and a lot more to accomplish, I don't want to die yet. Life is a continuous struggle. I want to live until I can say to myself,
"This is it. This is the life that I want. I can die now."
I am not pretty you know. But I would like to see myself as someone with pretty heart. The kind of people you don't want to let go. The kind of people you don't leave behind. So everybody, please stay. If you are a kind person lah. Those with busuk hati please go. I had my own busuk hati moment with carutan I don't need yours to add.
Brag. Yeah I brag to myself all the time. Happy 10 years of blogging Pisey.
To the readers, silent or loud or none,
thanks thanks.
Pasar Boco 14 dan Kawan Fest di Zebra Square KL
Tajuk tak berapa menarik sebab aku malas nak fikir.
Pengalaman pertama sebenarnya untuk aku buka booth sendiri untuk berniaga di Zebra Square KL tempoh hari. Meja pada awalnya agak kecil kerana aku cuma membayar untuk satu meja bersaiz 3x3 kaki sahaja. Malam sebelum mula berniaga, aku dengan bantuan dan pertolongan dua gadis cantik iaitu cik S dan cik Y nama sebenar telah ke tapak berniaga untuk melihat-lihat. I was worried. Barang kalau banyak tak apa. Tapi barang aku ni bukan kuantiti saja yang banyak, jenis juga banyak.
Aku ada buku-buku baru, buku-buku lama. Aku ada buku kanak-kanak. Aku ada kasut Doctor Martens tiga pasang. Aku ada kasut Clarks berpasang-pasang. Aku ada beg Cath Kidston. Aku ada handbag Fossil yang berlambak, baru dan lama. Aku ada tshirt warna-warni yang memang tak sempat nak pamer pun. Aku ada baju bajan yang nak sangkut bersama jaket-jaket. Aku ada seluar warna-warni dan jeans. Countless items.
Alhamdulillah bila Kak Wani Ardy kata ha meja sebelah tu awak punya juga. Saya bagi free! Rasa nak melompat kegembiraan. I did squeak a little sebenarnya hip hip hooray masa tu. Haha. Jadi proses buka kotak, beg dan sebagainya dilakukan secara berperingkat dengan cik Y. Kami cuma berdua sehingga ke jam 3pm sebelum dia beredar dengan cik S untuk memenuhi jemputan kenduri di Kuala Selangor. Cik S belikan aku lunch makanan pantas yang aku sorok dalam plastik sambil makan.
Terima kaseh kepada abang Farez KAUKAB yang berniaga di sebelah kerana tengok-tengokkan barang bila saya tinggalkan booth waktu Asar dan Maghrib sebelum encik N sampai membawa 6 keping Subway cookies. Kemudian cik S dan cik Y datang kembali dari tempat kenduri lebih kurang jam 9pm. Lepastu encik A pula datang setelah selesai memasang pelamin majlis kahwin. Boleh usha akaun Instagram mereka iaitu @airekamoment Dah berjaya masuk Wanita Hari Ini, majalah-majalah pengantin dan sebagainya. Sesiapa yang nak kahwin, quote my name Pisang to him. Haha. Manalah tahu dapat kawtim sikit-sikit.
Lepastu kami lepak lah. Apa lagi. Aku terbungkam tidur di sofa rumah cik S jam 2 pagi dan bangun tepat 6am sebelum kembali pejam hingga 7am.
Hari pertama seronok kerana aku dapat buat sales yang agak banyak. Hari kedua cuma kekalutan, kepenatan dengan kawan-kawan dan kekangan masa serta kemampuan diri. Mungkin kalau aku buka booth lagi, aku perlu pilih lokasi yang aku mampu bergerak sendiri. Tak ada lah menyusahkan kawan-kawan terutamanya cik Y dan cik S. Thanks so much girls.
Thanks juga untuk encik N dan encik A kerana datang menjengah. Terima kaseh untuk cik A kerana datang melepak lama hari kedua. Terima kasih kepada semua yang terlibat secara langsung dan tidak langsung. Ayat nak skema tapi ini semua dari hati saya.
Terima kasih.
Pengalaman pertama sebenarnya untuk aku buka booth sendiri untuk berniaga di Zebra Square KL tempoh hari. Meja pada awalnya agak kecil kerana aku cuma membayar untuk satu meja bersaiz 3x3 kaki sahaja. Malam sebelum mula berniaga, aku dengan bantuan dan pertolongan dua gadis cantik iaitu cik S dan cik Y nama sebenar telah ke tapak berniaga untuk melihat-lihat. I was worried. Barang kalau banyak tak apa. Tapi barang aku ni bukan kuantiti saja yang banyak, jenis juga banyak.
Aku ada buku-buku baru, buku-buku lama. Aku ada buku kanak-kanak. Aku ada kasut Doctor Martens tiga pasang. Aku ada kasut Clarks berpasang-pasang. Aku ada beg Cath Kidston. Aku ada handbag Fossil yang berlambak, baru dan lama. Aku ada tshirt warna-warni yang memang tak sempat nak pamer pun. Aku ada baju bajan yang nak sangkut bersama jaket-jaket. Aku ada seluar warna-warni dan jeans. Countless items.
Alhamdulillah bila Kak Wani Ardy kata ha meja sebelah tu awak punya juga. Saya bagi free! Rasa nak melompat kegembiraan. I did squeak a little sebenarnya hip hip hooray masa tu. Haha. Jadi proses buka kotak, beg dan sebagainya dilakukan secara berperingkat dengan cik Y. Kami cuma berdua sehingga ke jam 3pm sebelum dia beredar dengan cik S untuk memenuhi jemputan kenduri di Kuala Selangor. Cik S belikan aku lunch makanan pantas yang aku sorok dalam plastik sambil makan.
Terima kaseh kepada abang Farez KAUKAB yang berniaga di sebelah kerana tengok-tengokkan barang bila saya tinggalkan booth waktu Asar dan Maghrib sebelum encik N sampai membawa 6 keping Subway cookies. Kemudian cik S dan cik Y datang kembali dari tempat kenduri lebih kurang jam 9pm. Lepastu encik A pula datang setelah selesai memasang pelamin majlis kahwin. Boleh usha akaun Instagram mereka iaitu @airekamoment Dah berjaya masuk Wanita Hari Ini, majalah-majalah pengantin dan sebagainya. Sesiapa yang nak kahwin, quote my name Pisang to him. Haha. Manalah tahu dapat kawtim sikit-sikit.
Lepastu kami lepak lah. Apa lagi. Aku terbungkam tidur di sofa rumah cik S jam 2 pagi dan bangun tepat 6am sebelum kembali pejam hingga 7am.
Hari pertama seronok kerana aku dapat buat sales yang agak banyak. Hari kedua cuma kekalutan, kepenatan dengan kawan-kawan dan kekangan masa serta kemampuan diri. Mungkin kalau aku buka booth lagi, aku perlu pilih lokasi yang aku mampu bergerak sendiri. Tak ada lah menyusahkan kawan-kawan terutamanya cik Y dan cik S. Thanks so much girls.
Thanks juga untuk encik N dan encik A kerana datang menjengah. Terima kaseh untuk cik A kerana datang melepak lama hari kedua. Terima kasih kepada semua yang terlibat secara langsung dan tidak langsung. Ayat nak skema tapi ini semua dari hati saya.
Terima kasih.
PISANG di Zebra Square KL pada 30-31 Mei 2015
Hujung minggu ini iaitu pada 30 dan 31 Mei 2015 aku akan buka gerai di bawah Pasar Boco yang bergandingan dengan Kawan Fest untuk sebuah art and music event.
To those who did not know what is Pasar Boco and Kawan Fest, boleh usha akaun Instagram mereka di @pasarboco dan @kawanfest respectively. Juga boleh ke FB Pasar Boco dan ke web kawanfest.com untuk lebih lagi informasi dan sebarang pertanyaan.
Barang-barang yang aku nak jual nanti sebenarnya barang-barang peribadi aku, My own personal items that I adore and love so much. Tetapi oleh kerana nasib dan rezeki sebuah pekerjaan yang kena belum menyebelahi aku, macam no point lah nak simpan barang-barang yang berlambak ini walaupun cantik dan disayangi sebab bukan aku mampu nak bergaya sangat bila wang simpanan menipis.
Antara barang-barangnya ialah:
Kasut-kasut Clarks
Kasut-kasut Dr Martens
Handbag Fossil
Beg Cath Kidston
Collectibles like tins by Fossil etc
Buku-buku penulis-penulis buku terkenal
(Charles Bukowsi, Paolo Coelho, Mario Puzo, Goenawan Mohamad)
Coloured pants
Jackets and denims by Topman, HnM
Blouses by Zara and HnM
Skirts
And blablabla
Will also be selling my favourite friends stuffs like shawls and perhaps also batek sarong.
Okay itu saja informasi yang ingin disampaikan. Boleh ke @annyacob_store untuk lihat few of the things I will be selling at my booth PISANG. Ataupun untuk sesiapa sahaja yang minat barangan UK mari kerana barang-barang ini semua mostly come from there.
I am a shopaholic and will always buy new things. Tu pasal kena belajar letgo mana dah kurang pakai dan yang kurang mampu untuk pakai due to the value of the products. Cuma buka booth untuk pertama kali ini, I am doing this for fun :) come and see me!
Kalau nak sneak peak tentang kehidupan saya yang tak berapa maju kebelakangan ini bolehlah ke akaun Instagram saya iaitu @annayaacob manakala Twitter saya ialah @annamattcobb.
Terima kaseh kerana meluangkan masa membaca. Doakan saya dapat buat profit dengan penjualan menerusi booth dan secara online ini because it is for a good cause. More space and well, cash for me.
Even for those who need guidance on buying UK branded stuffs, feel free to contact me through email as stated on the right or through other social networks.
Sekian.
To those who did not know what is Pasar Boco and Kawan Fest, boleh usha akaun Instagram mereka di @pasarboco dan @kawanfest respectively. Juga boleh ke FB Pasar Boco dan ke web kawanfest.com untuk lebih lagi informasi dan sebarang pertanyaan.
Barang-barang yang aku nak jual nanti sebenarnya barang-barang peribadi aku, My own personal items that I adore and love so much. Tetapi oleh kerana nasib dan rezeki sebuah pekerjaan yang kena belum menyebelahi aku, macam no point lah nak simpan barang-barang yang berlambak ini walaupun cantik dan disayangi sebab bukan aku mampu nak bergaya sangat bila wang simpanan menipis.
Antara barang-barangnya ialah:
Kasut-kasut Clarks
Kasut-kasut Dr Martens
Handbag Fossil
Beg Cath Kidston
Collectibles like tins by Fossil etc
Buku-buku penulis-penulis buku terkenal
(Charles Bukowsi, Paolo Coelho, Mario Puzo, Goenawan Mohamad)
Coloured pants
Jackets and denims by Topman, HnM
Blouses by Zara and HnM
Skirts
And blablabla
Will also be selling my favourite friends stuffs like shawls and perhaps also batek sarong.
Okay itu saja informasi yang ingin disampaikan. Boleh ke @annyacob_store untuk lihat few of the things I will be selling at my booth PISANG. Ataupun untuk sesiapa sahaja yang minat barangan UK mari kerana barang-barang ini semua mostly come from there.
I am a shopaholic and will always buy new things. Tu pasal kena belajar letgo mana dah kurang pakai dan yang kurang mampu untuk pakai due to the value of the products. Cuma buka booth untuk pertama kali ini, I am doing this for fun :) come and see me!
Kalau nak sneak peak tentang kehidupan saya yang tak berapa maju kebelakangan ini bolehlah ke akaun Instagram saya iaitu @annayaacob manakala Twitter saya ialah @annamattcobb.
Terima kaseh kerana meluangkan masa membaca. Doakan saya dapat buat profit dengan penjualan menerusi booth dan secara online ini because it is for a good cause. More space and well, cash for me.
Even for those who need guidance on buying UK branded stuffs, feel free to contact me through email as stated on the right or through other social networks.
Sekian.
Badan yang mantap
Perkataan 'mantap' untuk diguna bersebelahan dengan 'tubuh' atau 'badan' macam kurang sesuai untuk diiklankan.
Ataupun iklan-iklan seperti:
Minyak lintah untuk blabla.
Pelincir untuk blabla.
Zzz.
Inginkan tubuh yang mantap?
Inginkan payudara yang montok?
Ataupun iklan-iklan seperti:
Minyak lintah untuk blabla.
Pelincir untuk blabla.
Zzz.
Weird to see these kind of ads on national television.
Mungkin sel-sel otak aku tak cukup berkembang.
Selamat pagi
Selama lebih satu minggu aku tidur bermula lebih kurang jam 11am-1pm dan bangun jam 3pm-5pm. Ajaibnya dalam tempoh ini memang tak ada perasaan mengantuk atau penat pun waktu malam. Dan sebenarnya aku paksa diri untuk tidur bila mata dah tak larat nak buka. Aku dahla memang sepet, ni bagaikan pejam terus. Haha.
Dan dalam tempoh itu aku uzur jadi tak ada masalah dari segi nak sesuaikan dengan waktu solat fardu.
Dalam minggu ini aku agak bersusah untuk menjaga balik waktu tidur dan waktu solat fardu. It was tough and exhausting. As the result, aku tak dapat fokus untuk hadap mencari kerja menghadap laptop waktu malam dengan tekun. Siang hari cuma mampu highlight bila aku browse on job openings and so on.
Semalam aku sangat penat dan tidur dan tidur dan tidur tetapi tetap terbangun di tengah malam. Kemudian aku paksa pula untuk terus tidur dan tidur.
So well, selamat pagi. Selamat bangun Subuh kawan-kawan.
Aku nak pergi ke pasar dan makan nasi dagang dan kuih cek mek molek dan air teh beng. Dah lebih sebulan tak hadap makanan syurga kat pasar dekat rumah ni sebenarnya.
Mungkin itu juga antara sebab berat aku susut 3-5kg tanpa aku berbuat apa-apa. Unhealthy? Yes. I lost my appetite macam putus cinta.
Oleh kerana tidur aku bakal berfungsi elok kembali, aku dah boleh nampak berat juga akan kembali. Haha.
Okay, berundur dulu. Sekian.
Dan dalam tempoh itu aku uzur jadi tak ada masalah dari segi nak sesuaikan dengan waktu solat fardu.
Dalam minggu ini aku agak bersusah untuk menjaga balik waktu tidur dan waktu solat fardu. It was tough and exhausting. As the result, aku tak dapat fokus untuk hadap mencari kerja menghadap laptop waktu malam dengan tekun. Siang hari cuma mampu highlight bila aku browse on job openings and so on.
Semalam aku sangat penat dan tidur dan tidur dan tidur tetapi tetap terbangun di tengah malam. Kemudian aku paksa pula untuk terus tidur dan tidur.
So well, selamat pagi. Selamat bangun Subuh kawan-kawan.
Aku nak pergi ke pasar dan makan nasi dagang dan kuih cek mek molek dan air teh beng. Dah lebih sebulan tak hadap makanan syurga kat pasar dekat rumah ni sebenarnya.
Mungkin itu juga antara sebab berat aku susut 3-5kg tanpa aku berbuat apa-apa. Unhealthy? Yes. I lost my appetite macam putus cinta.
Oleh kerana tidur aku bakal berfungsi elok kembali, aku dah boleh nampak berat juga akan kembali. Haha.
Okay, berundur dulu. Sekian.
What we miss
Jadi sebenarnya dalam hidup kita, kita sentiasa melalui fasa atau situasi yang kita fikir sebagai pengalaman terhebat, memori terbaik, keadaan paling mengujakan dan sebagainya. Mungkin juga situasi yang diingat tadi dalam bentuk sesuatu yang menyedihkan, paling menyayat hati. Waktu itu, firasat akan kata oh inilah saat paling gembira/teruk dalam hidup aku. Perkara ini sebenarnya berulang-ulang, berterusan ia berlaku.
Dan pelbagai persoalan akan selalu menyinggah seperti biasa cuba mengelirukan kita. Untuk memendam atau untuk mencari jalan keluar. Itu semua pilihan.
Kadang-kadang ada perkara yang kita fikir kurang signikan atau impaknya. Tampak biasa, normal. Jadi kita kalihkan pandangan ke tempat lain tidak memberi kata dua untuk bertindak apa-apa. Boleh jadi perkara atau situasi ini membabitkan ramai orang susah yang memerlukan pertolongan. Ataupun mungkin kita berkira-kira untuk mengucap pujian atau menyapa ringkas rakan-rakan di laman sosial, atau untuk berhubung menggunakan teknologi lain.
It would not even take much of you to say hello from time to time as compared to actually meeting face to face to people that matter. These days if you have time to spend with your favourite people, be thankful. Else, maybe it was nothing even from the start. Atau ada hati yang berubah dengan peredaran masa yang pantas meninggalkan. Perubahan rasa atau kematangan perasaan. Or perhaps we mistakenly judge a simple hello text as nothing. We take things others do for granted. While on the other side, it means everything for the courage they took. Perhaps they never miss praying for you.
The thing is people change. We change. I change too.
To pause, to hesitate, to be unsure of doing the right thing. Or is it just something we felt peculiar about after a while? Terasa janggal untuk menenangkan dan memahami keadaan, untuk melakukan sesuatu dengan baik. That hurts.
To always be kind. Sounds simple. But it is not an easy task.
Masa depan ialah rahsia Tuhan. He keep that way because it's for the best. Apa yang kita boleh lakukan ialah untuk sentiasa cuba memperbaiki diri supaya bersedia untuk menghadap segalanya. Menghadap situasi yang dijangka, mahupun yang tidak dijangka. Sama ada untuk menerima dengan hati terbuka ataupun tidak. Untuk mempamerkan senyum atau menarik muka.
We wouldn't get over a loss well, or situations, or just anything. But we mature and start handling things the right way. Dibentangkan dengan bermacam pilihan, kita cuma perlu berusaha untuk memilih dengan betul.
Take a look at the first paragraph again. Those happy memories. The positive ones. How many of them actually involve same people in your life? How much would you strive to have more? How can you create more great ones?
Kadang-kadang mungkin huluran kita tak bersambut. But at least we tried. And that made all the difference. Because deep down you know. Dan Dia lebih tahu.
Semoga sentiasa dalam rahmat dan pertolonganNya.
Take a look at the first paragraph again. Those happy memories. The positive ones. How many of them actually involve same people in your life? How much would you strive to have more? How can you create more great ones?
Kadang-kadang mungkin huluran kita tak bersambut. But at least we tried. And that made all the difference. Because deep down you know. Dan Dia lebih tahu.
Semoga sentiasa dalam rahmat dan pertolonganNya.
Of online shopping and its benefits
I have to admit, I love shopping. And I have big circle of friends who are addicted to the same thing. Be it a lady or a guy. Everybody just love shopping!
But the question here is, have you ever do online shopping?
I believe the term online shopping is no more a stranger among us. I would describe it as the act of purchasing products or services over the internet.
Despite the fact that it is not yet everyone's cup of tea, online shopping is now regarded as one of the most popular ways to make purchases. To me it is a loss for a shop or a brand that does not make use of online shopping medium to promote and sell their items as nowadays people went online almost 24/7.
Truth is I myself browse on certain brands and products every single day just to feed my desire and my urge to look at products and things I adore. You can regard this as my 'window shopping' before actually making the right purchases that I want, or something I really need.
Like everything else, online shopping has its own advantages and disadvantages. As much as I like the idea and concept of online shopping and been doing it for almost every month, I need to warn you that you need to be able to manage and control yourself more to curb your spending as compared to doing it the traditional way.
These days, we are now seeing more people using the internet to shop and buy what they need virtually. They shop a wide variety of items from shoes to accessories, bags and many more. And there are great benefits of online shopping that you would definitely enjoy.
One of them is the convenience of doing it. This is because, you are able to do online shopping even from your bed with just a few clicks.
As compared to a normal traditional store with fixed hours, you can just pick any time of the day, or even night to browse the internet and simply shop. This new approach to shopping is very useful especially for busy people like working mothers with hectic work schedule. You can shop from your very own home or office or other location you prefer.
Simply say; with this new approach to shopping, you can make purchases any time of the day or night from any location that is convenient to you.
Another benefit of online shopping that I want to highlight here is the ease of comparison and price checking it offers. You have the perfect ability to browse and compare prices from hundreds or maybe thousands of different online vendors and online boutiques. Within minutes, you already have the answers on products you have been looking for.
The best part of it is you could do it with a few simple clicks without having to go out and spend your precious time running from one store to another to check on the offers; which promotes the best price and all. By shopping online, you can get bargain prices, without actually leaving your chair or your bed or your comfy couch.
As a human being, it is normal for us to get afraid of doing something we are not familiar with. The same goes with online shopping. We are so used to the traditional way of going to the shop, browsing on products with the aid of our senses, using cash or swiping cards to make purchases before taking them home.
But, before this we weren't even sure on making purchases with debit and credit cards and just been using cash alone. What I am trying to imply here is, online shopping is a shopping evolution. You can save time, you do not have to meet the crowd and you spend less on transportation.
However, it is your job is to consider it carefully before deciding on what is best for you. To shop online, or stay doing the purchasing the traditional way. Even to this day, some people still has not had a credit card and prefer using cash at all time. It is just a matter of choice.
To conclude, online shopping is easy to make and very convenient as you can do it just anywhere with detailed comparison on products or services and price checking. To avoid wasting money or even time online, make a list of what you need or what you want. This will help you from feeling overwhelmed by the choices.
I hope you enjoy my thoughts on this matter. I need to go check on that watch I have been eyeing for a week now. I wish you good luck in making your choices and decisions.
Happy shopping!
But the question here is, have you ever do online shopping?
Picture source: http://youqueen.com/life/how-to-shop-online-carefully/
I believe the term online shopping is no more a stranger among us. I would describe it as the act of purchasing products or services over the internet.
Despite the fact that it is not yet everyone's cup of tea, online shopping is now regarded as one of the most popular ways to make purchases. To me it is a loss for a shop or a brand that does not make use of online shopping medium to promote and sell their items as nowadays people went online almost 24/7.
Truth is I myself browse on certain brands and products every single day just to feed my desire and my urge to look at products and things I adore. You can regard this as my 'window shopping' before actually making the right purchases that I want, or something I really need.
Picture source: http://www.talkandroid.com/
These days, we are now seeing more people using the internet to shop and buy what they need virtually. They shop a wide variety of items from shoes to accessories, bags and many more. And there are great benefits of online shopping that you would definitely enjoy.
One of them is the convenience of doing it. This is because, you are able to do online shopping even from your bed with just a few clicks.
Picture source: http://blog.reship.com/shopping-fashion-online/
Simply say; with this new approach to shopping, you can make purchases any time of the day or night from any location that is convenient to you.
Another benefit of online shopping that I want to highlight here is the ease of comparison and price checking it offers. You have the perfect ability to browse and compare prices from hundreds or maybe thousands of different online vendors and online boutiques. Within minutes, you already have the answers on products you have been looking for.
Picture source: http://www.justone.co.nz/official-shopping-online/
The best part of it is you could do it with a few simple clicks without having to go out and spend your precious time running from one store to another to check on the offers; which promotes the best price and all. By shopping online, you can get bargain prices, without actually leaving your chair or your bed or your comfy couch.
As a human being, it is normal for us to get afraid of doing something we are not familiar with. The same goes with online shopping. We are so used to the traditional way of going to the shop, browsing on products with the aid of our senses, using cash or swiping cards to make purchases before taking them home.
Picture source: http://abcnews.go.com/topics/business/
However, it is your job is to consider it carefully before deciding on what is best for you. To shop online, or stay doing the purchasing the traditional way. Even to this day, some people still has not had a credit card and prefer using cash at all time. It is just a matter of choice.
To conclude, online shopping is easy to make and very convenient as you can do it just anywhere with detailed comparison on products or services and price checking. To avoid wasting money or even time online, make a list of what you need or what you want. This will help you from feeling overwhelmed by the choices.
Picture source: http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/
I hope you enjoy my thoughts on this matter. I need to go check on that watch I have been eyeing for a week now. I wish you good luck in making your choices and decisions.
Happy shopping!
Someone great, please marry me please
After countless thoughts on finding a job to live well, I said to myself perhaps I should be changing my life course now. To do TESL or to do Medic? Having a conversation with the siblings yesterday on this matter, sister asked in shock, "Medic? Are you insane?".
Yeah maybe I am.
Truth is I have so many interests going on my head. To find that one thing that actually works is tough as nothing has yet landed nicely in front of me. If it is up to me, I just want to sew.
Make clothes. Make arts. Design things. Draw. Paint. Sing. Learn to play the guitar. Learn to play the ukulele. Play violin again. Learn to play the piano. Read more books. Write a book. Write another book. Write more books. I don't know. Because these are not the kind of thing that would please the family. Sigh. Well they perfectly know how weird I am since little though. Most of the youngest ones tend to have those weird traits and attitudes that usually none others do.
To be kind and stay kind and be less angry even towards unfair things that happened alone is tough these days. The weather is hot. I mean, very. And I only love cold weather because heat always kills me.
After the discussion on finding a job that suits me, that could actually make money for a good living, the siblings suggested me to get married. Haha. As if I could just pick a man and say hey let's get married and live together! And also as if I could just marry any man who wants to marry me, too. Sigh again. My life is upside down. I don't want to burden the husband, haha.
Shocking update: I lost my appetite after getting back from Umrah. Do I miss Makkah and Madinah? Yes of course. But this disease is not due to that. Something else is troubling my mind. It's been just a week and I dropped 4kg. Which is great actually because I do want to lose some weight. But it's just not normal to not eat. Along with my abnormal sleep patterns (well this actually happened all the time so no extra worries on this matter). Or perhaps I just discovered the only way to lose weight fast for myself because practicing healthy eating habit and exercises rarely work for me.
Enough babbles for today. I'm trying to sleep here.
Dear reader/s. Take care of yourself. Take care of your life. I'm seeing some lights nearer. So don't worry about me. This is just some random rambles. Just need to keep praying and struggle more. Tata!
Hubungan manusia dengan manusia
Bila kawan-kawan ataupun sahabat-sahabat yang kita harapkan sudah tidak lagi berada di hujung talian seperti selalu, sedikit kesakitan akan timbul di lubuk hati.
Aku sebenarnya spesis manusia yang mencari dan bertegur sapa. Cuma mungkin sampai waktunya aku juga tahu penat bila kelihatan seperti sia-sia menjaja diri ke sana ke mari. Mungkin aku fikir yang di sana sudah tak perlu, jadi sudah kurang peduli. Atau sebenarnya aku cuma semakin tua dan semakin sensitif padahal tak ada apa-apapun yang berubah tentang kedudukan aku di hati mereka.
Kadang-kadang, bila perkara ini menyinggah lama ia menjajah otak aku sepenuhnya. Memberat dan sangat sesakkan dada.
Mungkin aku juga turut menjadi yang di hujung talian untuk beberapa manusia lain yang meletakkan harapan yang tinggi pada aku.
Mungkin sebenarnya kita juga telah membuat sesuatu yang melukakan hati manusia-manusia yang kita suka dan sayang tanpa kita sedari.
Mungkin sebenarnya semuanya tak sengaja.
Tetapi bukankah ajal itu mendekat, bila umur semakin meningkat?
Kalau sudah tidak sempat, untuk kita-kita kembali rapat;
maafkan aku.
Semut gatal masuk mata
Aku tak tahu tahap kegatalan semut gatal tu tahap mana. Sampaikan mata aku yang jernih ni pun dia nak teroka. Dia masuk mata, dia mati. Dia masuk mata, aku la sakit mata.
Sakit tak boleh nak cerita. Korang cuba la jatuhkan semut dalam mata kalau nak tahu. Lepastu nak keluarkan dia satu hal. Pedih. Pakai putik kapas pun ambil masa kemain. Basuh rendam mata tak payah cakap la tak tahu berapa gelen air aku pakai.
Sakit tahu? Hmm.
Sakit tak boleh nak cerita. Korang cuba la jatuhkan semut dalam mata kalau nak tahu. Lepastu nak keluarkan dia satu hal. Pedih. Pakai putik kapas pun ambil masa kemain. Basuh rendam mata tak payah cakap la tak tahu berapa gelen air aku pakai.
Sakit tahu? Hmm.
Hijrah dan Neelofa
Cantik betul Neelofa ni serius tak tipu. Kalau tak silap dulu masa Minggu Bahasa MRSM se-Malaysia 2003 dia ada datang sekolah aku. Tingkatan 2 pun dah comel. Aku usha je dari jauh. Sebab kawan-kawan laki duk sebut-sebut nama dia.
Waktu minggu bahasa tahun kemudian, ada je kawan aku yang usha cari dia lagi. The years after dia pun sama satu sekolah dah dengan Neelofa. Haha. Baik sampai sekarang. Tapi bab cari mencari waktu minggu bahasa tu memori aku tak berapa kuat pasal nama budak perempuan comel tu sebetulnya nama apa. Tapi muka yang comel tu seingat aku memang nama Neelofa. Sebab budak-budak perempuan pun semua duk sebut nama dia sepanjang minggu tu.
Neelofa dah berhijrah ke arah lebih baik. Dah comel, hijrah ke arah kebaikan. Bertambah seri dah. Aku pun mula-lah follow Neelofa ni kat Instagram. Dulu aku tak follow walaupun kagum dengan segala bisnes dan kecomelan dia sebab orang selalu duk cakap dia seksi lah itu lah ini lah. Aku kalau boleh taknak baca komen-komen karut manusia yang banyak masa duk kompelin pasal orang ni. Sebab nanti duk terfikir-fikir, entah-entah join cakap sekali. Alhamdulillah untuk changes dan hijrah yang ini. Dia pun baru balik Umrah. Sepanjang dia duk Tanah Haram dan ada upload gambar, aku tak tahu sehari berapa jam aku duk tatap Instagram dia saja. Tak lupa Instagram Saiful Nang yang turut paparkan gambar-gambar sewaktu di Tanah Haram beliau. Sangat cantik koleksi SN ni.
Berbalik kepada Neelofa. ABPBH 2014 haritu aku tak tengok pun. Sebab aku lupa aku duk buat apa. Lepastu saja main tukar channel kat TV dan eh dah habis dah pun. Padan muka. Siapa suruh tekan 103 setahun beberapa kali je sekarang ni. Tahu-tahu Sam naik pentas menang ABPBH 2014. Walaupun aku tak ikut apa sangat pasal anugerah ni tadi, aku tak tahu masa tu kenapa macam ala nak tengok Neelofa. Oleh kerana dah follow akaun Instagram beliau, aku pun dengan bijak dan berhemah capai telefon pintar dan mula scroll gambar beliau. Senyum. Baju dia cantik. Fafau pun comel duk senyum bersama. Ramai duk puji terserlah kewanitaan perempuan Melayu si Neelofa dengan baju dia pada malam anugerah tu. Aku tak kisah pun komen orang lain. Pasal aku sendiri pun suka tengok. Comel. Sopan. Tudung simple je. I like it.
Point aku sebenarnya nak cakap kita ni kalau nak berubah ke arah lebih baik boleh je. Berubah! Bertukar! Cuma nak berperang dengan hati yang dah semakin hitam ni je benda paling susah pun. Nak lawan kemalasan bukan mudah sebab duk rasa malas dan tak bermaya. Dan aku tak rasa untuk beliau berubah tu pun semudah makan ais kacang. So sebab aku duk amaze dengan Neelofa ni, aku kena setting dalam kepala,
'If Neelofa can do it, why can't I?'
Jadi malam tadi aku cuma melayan DM seorang gadis 19 tahun di Twitter
You're still young.
Belajar baik-baik sayang.
Tentang kemungkinan
Dulu aku selalu cakap, perkara paling dekat dengan hati ialah Tuhan. Tapi sekarang ni aku dah tak berapa tegas dengan diri. Hanyut. Tak mampu nak jawab macam tu. Aku pernah sebut. Perjalanan ke Tuhan itu bukan sesuatu yang mudah. Setiap huru-hara, kegilaan yang melanda kau, orang lain tak boleh faham. Takkan mampu. Benda-benda ringkas yang mungkin kau berasa perit, mungkin senang kacang untuk orang di sebelah. Atau benda-benda yang orang ambil ringan, kau pula ambil pusing sepenuh jiwa dan raga. Setiap kepentingan, setiap kegilaan, Tuhan memang sudah wujudkan kita berbeza. Untuk berada di paras pemahaman yang sama, untuk toleransi untuk sama setuju duduk di frekuensi yang sama, tak mudah. Tempoh waktu sekarang, aku sangat bersyukur bila punya kawan-kawan, atau ahli-ahli keluarga yang boleh tenggelam sama atau nampak apa sebenarnya yang aku sedang usahakan. Mungkin nampak macam tak berusaha langsung. Kadang-kadang, memang ya. Contoh beberapa bulan yang lalu. Tempoh depresi yang aku fikir lebih teruk dari tempoh aku berkabung jadi anak muda yang konon rebel waktu kematian mak. Atau mungkin aku cuma rasa ia lebih teruk kerana masih terasa baki-baki depresi tersebut. Atau kerana aku dah melepasi tempoh rebel anak muda tersebut tetapi belum sepenuhnya yang ini. Tapi tak semua nampak benda tu. Untuk yang nampak, diam dan berdoa untuk aku, terima kasih. Untuk yang peduli dengan cara tersendiri, terima kasih. Mungkin sebenarnya aku sudah kurang bersyukur. Mungkin juga aku memang sedia kurang bersyukur. Atau sebenarnya aku sedang diuji dan kemudian aku layankan kelemahan sendiri. Aku terlalu banyak kemahuan. Terlalu banyak permintaan. Aku terlalu mahukan sesuatu yang sempurna. Etika dan perkerti, sopan santun yang bagus. Aku takut untuk gagal. Aku kadang-kadang gerun untuk mencuba, terutama perkara-perkara yang merisaukan semua pihak. Contohnya jalan kehidupan aku. Bila dalam keadaan menakutkan seperti ini. Aku berasa susah. Susah untuk menginterpretasikan diri sendiri. Sama ada aku lebih perlu pentingkan permintaan sekeliling, atau kemahuan aku. Benda-benda seperti ini, berbalik kepada apa yang aku ulas tadi. Iaitu kepentingan, kegilaan serta pemahaman yang berbeza. Mungkin aku sebenarnya menarik diri dari maju dengan laju atas beberapa alasan yang aku fikir dan fahamkan sebagai munasabah, tetapi perkara ini tidak bagi sesetengah pihak. Walaupun pihak tersebut sebenarnya sangat menyayangi aku. Contoh, keluarga. Mungkin juga aku sebenarnya mengumpul alasan-alasan bodoh untuk tidak terus maju dengan laju kerana aku seorang penakut. Segala ini juga cuma kemungkinan, seperti tajuk entri yang tertulis. Aku cuma tak mahu Tuhan mula bermain dengan perkataan mungkin dengan aku. Untuk mati yang memang pasti nanti atau esok lusa, aku cuma mahu mati yang pasti dengan tangan masih berpimpinkan Tuhan. Maaflah untuk panjang lebar begini tanpa perenggan, tanpa rehat atau hembus nafas yang lembut di antara ayat-ayat ini kerana mungkin juga aku sudah malas untuk memuaskan diri manusia-manusia yang ada.
Termasuk aku.
Termasuk aku.
14 days
Dalam tempoh 14 hari, aku telah bertemu dan berjumpa sahabat-sahabat lama, jumpa kawan-kawan baru, makan minum itu dan ini, memandu kereta yang agak mewah dari tak tenang sampai boleh tenang tertidur, uji ketabahan diri dalam beberapa perkara harian, berhubungan dengan keluarga dan sebagainya.
I feel more alive than before. I do not even have time for my Clash of Clans base. Or any Korean dramas.
Terima kasih untuk nikmat kesungguhan dan peluang ini. Walaupun aku masih belum sembuh demam sepenuhnya. Kalau boleh nak cabut kerongkong ni selam masuk ais. Hidung rendam air.
I want to keep going. I don't want to die yet, God.
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